I can feel it. Panic. Stress. Nervousness settles in my bones, making my mind whir.
I can tell you why. Today is June 30th. HOW DID IT GET TO BE THE LAST DAY OF JUNE? July is going to be a whiz-bang of a month.
My sister, her hubs, and their two fabulous girls are coming to visit on Thursday! They live six hours away, so this is good. I am excited! There will be 4th of July fireworks, a trip to the zoo, and laser tag to celebrate my son’s 13th (yes, teenager, *hyperventilates*) birthday. There will be water balloons and hopefully swimming in our pool (if I can whip it into shape). Before the fun. the work lurks. Cleaning. Meal planning and shopping (and pool cleaning). BWAAAAAHHHH! *flails* What if I can’t get it done, what if the house isn’t clean, WHAT IF?
So our visitors leave on Tuesday the 8th. BUT WAIT! We leave for vacation bright and early on the 10th! And not just any vaca, dear readers, a long 12 days filled withdriving, hiking, and camping in Yellowstone! Eeeek! It will be so fun. But first, I have to find and assemble all the camping gear, clothes, food and get it packed in the truck. And hubs will be gone … GONE IN ANOTHER STATE… for the two days before we leave. Ug. Understand, until we drive off in the car, I will hold in my panic at leaving and thinking… we should stay home, home is good, we can stay.
I question why I opened the pool. Really, we could have just left that drama out of the equation. Some of you might get the stress of an above-ground pool. In the past, I have had little luck balancing chemicals in this sucker. So I am not confident in my attempt. But I will try because pools are fun! If I keep saying it I will believe it.
Amidst this pressure, I find me slipping away. I lose who I am and who I am striving to be when anxiety hits. I give up on workouts because I can’t focus. I start to eat whatever because I just don’t care. I don’t write because… that focus thing. Why do I let stress steal my power?
I DON’T KNOW! All I know is that I am constantly wondering what I am forgetting, what I should be doing, which means I fall further behind.
I will get VERY LITTLE writing done in July. I will work on edits for Reuts’ anthology. Hopefully I will blog a couple of times. And this is frustrating because I am close to having Doors ready to query. AND I WANT TO QUERY IT!
I want to workout, write, be me, but anxiety takes it away. Take me out of my comfortable rut and I FREAK OUT.
Let it go. Right? Get done what I can get done and forget the rest. If there isn’t enough food? Go to the store. If my house isn’t spotless? Who cares? So I miss workouts. I do a bit of stress eating. I obsess over the pool. And the words will be there when I get home. July will be fun-filled! My sister is coming! I’m going on vacation!
But still I wonder … aren’t I supposed to be doing something?
*flails* *runs hither and yon*