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Welcome to Son of a Pitch! The sixth entry… Please save comment area for the participating authors’ feedback. I will put my thoughts at the bottom of the post. Because I can. If you don’t want to know what I think, close your eyes. If you read my opinions and agree, want to add, or completely disagree… GO FOR IT!

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Title: The Time Traveler’s Redemption: The Search

Age and Genre: YA/Sci-Fi

Word Count: 56,000

Query:

Eighteen-year-old Jacob is a cursed time traveler. No longer able to transport people through time, he’s destined to live forever, watching those he loves die. But changing people’s fate is something he gave up the moment he realized that time travel made him a monster. He could change, he was sure of it. When Jacob learns of the Key, a girl who has the power to negate the time traveler’s curse, he decides to preserve the future by protecting her. With the information his dead mentor gave him, he returns to the future and the floating city in the sky. There he discovers that she was sent down to Earth’s desolate surface.

Seventeen-year-old Anne is a Commoner slave on Earth and mere moments away from becoming a House Captain to the orphans who harvest the food for the city above. A product of Breeding Camps, she struggles with a desire to establish relationships, the thing they are forbidden to do. When she takes a chance, her treason is exposed. When Inspectors are sent for, Anne decides to run away. With plans to leave that night, Anne identifies one Inspector as Jacob, the boy who disappeared after saving her life six years ago.

Jacob must now choose: keep his vow he made to never change a person’s fate without their permission or risk the lives of those he feels bound to protect.

 

First 250 Words:

Jacob planted both feet on the ground and shoved the past to the deepest parts of his soul where it belonged. He focused on Superior City, a thousand years into the future. With closed eyes, he released an electrical current from his spine and allowed it to infuse every molecule in his body. His body began to spin as it was ripped from the ground and he went racing through space. His mission was to find the Key, the girl who could negate the curse.

As he slowed, Jacob tensed every muscle. He never really knew what was waiting for him on the other side. Too many times, he had landed in a hostile environment with little protection. His body slammed into the ground and the impact knocked the wind from his lungs. Pain shot from every nerve. He had arrived.

Jacob squinted against the sunlight. He curled to his side and cradled his head. After a few deep breaths, his body began to relax and his mind began to clear. Too much time had passed since his last time travel and his body wasn’t accustomed to healing itself.

He rolled to his hands and knees, then stood, his limbs aching with every movement. The pain reminded him he had broken his vow to never time travel again. He could be a different person but that didn’t change his past.

Tilting his face upwards, he opened one eye.

 

And now a few words from my brain…

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Query:

Eighteen-year-old Jacob is a cursed time traveler. (Oooh! Interesting.) No longer able to transport people through time, he’s destined to live forever, watching those he loves die. (So the curse is that he can’t transport people through time? Or that he can’t time travel anymore? Or that he’s immortal?) But changing people’s fate is something he gave up the moment he realized that time travel made him a monster. (He used to take people through time so they could change their futures? But that was bad? That made him evil? Why what would happen?) He could change, he was sure of it. (Change how? What does he what? Who does he want to be? If he has decided not to change fate, hasn’t he already changed? Or he’s trying to make up for being a “monster” as he calls it?) When Jacob learns of the Key, a girl who has the power to negate the time traveler’s curse, (I’m not exactly sure how he’s cursed.) he decides to preserve the future by protecting her. (If he protects her then he can’t change anything anymore? Does he still want to time travel…or is he trying to stop others who can?) With the information his dead mentor gave him (This is vague… what information? He had a mentor, so there are a lot of people who time travel? Like a society?), he returns to the future and the floating city in the sky. (So he lives in the future?) There he discovers that she was sent down to Earth’s desolate surface. (Which sounds bad…Is that bad? Can he not reach her there?)

Seventeen-year-old Anne is a Commoner slave on Earth and mere moments away from becoming a House Captain to the orphans who harvest the food for the city above. A product of Breeding Camps, she struggles with a desire to establish relationships, the thing they are forbidden to do. (Why are they forbidden?) When she takes a chance, (A chance on having a relationship?) her treason is exposed. When Inspectors are sent for, Anne decides to run away. With plans to leave that night, Anne identifies one Inspector as Jacob, the boy who disappeared after saving her life six years ago. (Ah! I like this connection.)

Jacob must now choose: keep his vow he made to never change a person’s fate without their permission or risk the lives of those he feels bound to protect. (Is this a vow he made to himself or someone else? What happened that made him make this vow? Risk the lives of those he is bound to protect…like Anne? But he’s protecting her to stop himself…or other people…from changing the future?)

Overall…I’m confused. By the way the query is set up, the ms is dual POV. I have a lot of questions, but not a lot of answers. Jacob…What was his “job”…or is time travel just an ability? Did he use his powers thinking he was helping people, but it didn’t work? Why has he vowed to stop? I’m not sure I have a handle on who Jacob is or what he wants. And Anne…I have a little better idea of her, wanting to have the life she wants, willing to run away to find it. I love how Jacob saved her in her past, that is cool.

 

First 250 Words:

Jacob planted both feet on the ground (A hint at where he is, surroundings, sights, sounds smells?)and shoved the past (Tells me he’s trying to forget something.) to the deepest parts of his soul where it belonged. He focused on Superior City, a thousand years into the future. With closed eyes, he released an electrical current from his spine and allowed it to infuse every molecule in his body. His body began to spin as it was ripped from the ground and he went racing through space. (That is cool!) His mission was to find the Key, the girl who could negate the curse. (Intriguing!)

As he slowed, Jacob tensed every muscle. He never really knew what was waiting for him on the other side. Too many times, he had landed in a hostile environment with little protection. (Where? In the future? On Earth?) His body slammed into the ground and the impact knocked the wind from his lungs. Pain shot from every nerve. He had arrived. (In Superior City? The future?)

Jacob squinted against the sunlight. He curled to his side and cradled his head. After a few deep breaths, his body began to relax and his mind began to clear. Too much time had passed since his last time travel and his body wasn’t accustomed to healing itself.

He rolled to his hands and knees, then stood, his limbs aching with every movement. The pain reminded him he had broken his vow to never time travel again. He could be a different person but that didn’t change his past. (I like this line!)

Tilting his face upwards, he opened one eye. (I really want to see what he sees…I’d keep reading.)

Overall…The query was confusing, but this intrigued me. A key…a curse…time travel, it’s all very cool. How he time travels is cool! I want to know why he vowed never to time travel again, what mysteries lurk in his past that he’s trying to make up for. I’d like to know where (or when) he starts from…now? Earth? His house?

 

Thanks for submitting! I hope this helps, if not just ignore it.

Writers unite!

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