Tags

, , , , ,

Son of a Pitch, round 2, begins! Welcome to Team Dark Side.

starwarssidiouslaugh

Eleven posts, for eleven entries. Four other blogs are hosting more! The comment section is for Son of a Pitch authors to leave their thoughts. So please do not comment unless you are a Son of a Pitch author. Thank you!

Onto entry 1!

starwarsmaulhood

Title: Found

Category and Genre: NA Romance/Sci-Fi
Word Count: 82,000

Query:

Ray is thrilled to be assigned the task of seducing Laney. She’s gorgeous, innocent to the point of naïveté, and unaware of her parents’ dangerous pasts. Plus, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for his exceedingly powerful, villainous father who has been deemed king of the mutati, the salacious underground society of physiologically altered individuals. Complications arise when Ray falls in love with Laney and starts to do the unthinkable: question his father. He  is so desperate to rule beside the king that he’s willing to hurt—even destroy—Laney.

Ray must carefully balance protecting the girl he loves and taking his rightful place in the billion-dollar organization next to the father he regards so highly. Will he realize that he cannot truly protect her before it’s too late?

 

First 250 Words:

I was six rows away, but my unnaturally perfect eyesight allowed me to see her just fine as she hustled through the store. Mine weren’t the only eyes following her, and even though I had become accustomed to it, I still fucking hated it. For now, I could do nothing but let them openly gawk at her. Oblivious to their attention, she focused on pushing her heavy cart to the front and then settled in the least busy line. I nonchalantly followed and hit the text that would send the store’s computers into a temporary virus stricken state.

My stomach started doing all kinds of crazy shit as I sauntered into the line. I was finally going to talk to her. Two idiots had the same idea, but one grimace from me and they changed their trajectory. I don’t know what others see in my eyes exactly, but I think it has to do with death and the lives I’ve taken.

Unwilling to go down that path, I concentrated on the beautiful, dark-haired girl in front of me. I grabbed the latest Motor Trendmagazine and a local newspaper from the wire rack she stood next to, leaning in close so she  was sure to get a good whiff of my custom-made cologne.

Her phone dinged a notification at the exact same time I received a text. It was her best friend who was traveling through Europe. I received the same picture that she did as well as the caption.

starwarsdarthcrush

And my critique…Yes, I do these right here, if you don’t want to read my thoughts, then stop right here.

First, a disclaimer:

Hi, my name is Kathy. I am not a writing god or expert. I will tell you what works for me and what doesn’t. I will put in honest reactions. Please take the comments that make sense to YOU for YOUR ms. Please disregard any comments that aren’t relevant. I will ask a butt-ton (seriously I don’t know exactly how much a butt-ton is, but it’s a lot) of questions to spark your creative brain. Any questions that I ask that give you an AH-HA moment run with all those ideas! The questions that don’t send light your mind with thoughts…ignore. Please listen to all the other wonderfully talented people who will stop by.

Thank you for sharing your words. Your words are important. You are awesome!

Query:

Ray is thrilled to be assigned the task of seducing Laney. (Why is he seducing her? For whom?) She’s gorgeous, innocent to the point of naïveté, and unaware of her parents’ dangerous pasts (oh! Intriguing! What pasts?). Plus, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for his exceedingly powerful, villainous father who has been deemed king of the mutati, the salacious underground society of physiologically altered individuals (These mutati sound cool! What do they do?). Complications arise when Ray falls in love with Laney and starts to do the unthinkable: question his father. (So he finally talks to her? They date?) He  is so desperate to rule beside the king that he’s willing to hurt—even destroy—Laney.

Ray must carefully balance protecting the girl he loves (protecting her? From what? From his father?) and taking his rightful place in the billion-dollar organization next to the father he regards so highly. Will he realize that he cannot truly protect her before it’s too late?

Too late for what? We need to know the stakes. If he chooses one thing what will or won’t happen or if he doesn’t choose something what devastating thing will happen? We need to see the moment when he has to make that choice.

I’d like a bit more set up of Ray. How old is Ray? What is his life normally like? Who is he? What does he want? He’s a mutati, so what does he look like/ What is different about him than a human? He works for his father, the King, right? So he can one day rule? Why? For the power, the money? Is that all he values? What is he doing to reach his goals? Seducing Laney? Why?

Then what gets in the way of him achieving his goals? Blammo…love gets in the way, but how? Does she gets him to think differently? She shows him a world he never knew existed? How does being with her change him? How is he questioning his father? What will his father do to him if he keeps questioning? What is supposed to happen to Laney that he wants to change?

I don’t get a sci-fi vibe from the query, but paranormal. I get an action thriller vibe with romance. 

I think the query is a bit short. Add in a few details of things that make this unique, give us the flavor. I am extremely interested in the mutati…the world is intriguing.

 

First 250 Words:

I was six rows away, but my unnaturally perfect eyesight (world build a bit here…how is his eyesight unnaturally perfect? A device? An enhancement?) allowed me to see her just fine as she hustled through the store. (Six rows…I immediately thought of a movie theater, then you said store and I was a bit confused. He can see her through the tall shelves of the store? Add a bit of detail…she was in aisle 9 with the boxed mac n cheese, use that to give us her character…where is he? Is he checking out the candy in aisle 3? Give us a bit of his character. Is he nervous? Is he happy following her? A hint of why he’s following her. And is there awful music playing over the speakers? Giving sights, sounds, and smells will really put us there.) Mine weren’t the only eyes following her, and even though I had become accustomed to it, I still fucking hated it. (Accustomed, because he’s been following her for a while?) For now, I could do nothing but let them openly gawk at her. (Why wouldn’t he let them? What else would he do?) Oblivious to their attention, she focused on pushing her heavy cart to the front and then settled in the least busy line. I nonchalantly followed and hit the text (on his phone? A special phone or regular one? World build here.) that would send the store’s computers into a temporary virus stricken state. (Oh! How? WHY? A hint at his intentions would be great!)

My stomach started doing all kinds of crazy shit as I sauntered into the line. I was finally going to talk to her. (After how long? How long has he been following her? What does he need to tell her?) Two idiots had the same idea (How does he know? Do they start to approach? What do these idiots look like?), but one grimace from me and they changed their trajectory. I don’t know what others see in my eyes exactly, but I think it has to do with death and the lives I’ve taken. (Oh. A killer. Nice!)

Unwilling to go down that path (go down the path of memories? Why not give us a taste, a glimpse into the past? Why doesn’t he want to remember?), I concentrated on the beautiful, dark-haired girl in front of me. (How is she standing? What does she smell like? Is she humming or looking at something?) I grabbed the latest Motor Trend magazine and a local newspaper from the wire rack she stood next to, leaning in close so she was sure to get a good whiff of my custom-made cologne. (custom-made? How? What does it do?)

Her phone dinged a notification at the exact same time I received a text. It was her best friend who was traveling through Europe. I received the same picture that she did as well as the caption. (so his phone is set to receive what she does? Why?)

 So this is present day?

If this is sci-fi, give me a bit of sci-fi tech. In my head, this is paranormal with the mutants, though in the first page it reads as an action thriller…spies possibly or crazy stalker, maybe FBI…I don’t have a clear picture of what he is doing and why. What are his intentions? To follow? Stalk in a creepy way? Is he going to nab her? Which is a lot to ask in a page, I know. But hints, little details can help.

How long has he been following this girl? I can tell he’s almost protective over her, almost like a hovering jealous ex. I don’t see any details of the mc…the frayed or perfect edges of his jacket sleeve as he looks at his phone. I don’t hear the squeak of his worn tennis shoes (or black boots) as he walks through the store. Paint us a bit of a picture so we get to know him.

For the author of this entry…Feel free to comment on what I have said and you can certainly post revisions!

Again, THANK YOU for participating. Sharing your words and opening up for critique is difficult. We all are here to help you make your ms as shiny as possible. Good luck with all the writing!

Advertisements