Son of a Pitch, round 2, begins! Welcome to Team Dark Side.
Eleven posts, for eleven entries. Four other blogs are hosting more! The comment section is for Son of a Pitch authors to leave their thoughts. So please do not comment unless you are a Son of a Pitch author. Thank you!
Onto entry 8!
Title: Lucid
Category and Genre: YA/Psychological Suspense
Word Count: 98,000
Query:
The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women is one of the last surviving members of its kind—a rigorous ivy and brick institution intended to propel its few lucky, wealthy students straight to the Ivy Leagues. So when popular, charismatic megalomaniac Marlowe Brady decides to stop sleeping, everyone notices. But when chronically depressed loner Gwyneth Rosewood decides to stop sleeping, eating, drinking, and living altogether, no one does. No one, except Marlowe, whose unwanted intervention lands them both in the school’s infirmary, where another student offers an unconventional solution to Marlowe’s insomnia: lucid dreaming, the ability to control one’s dreams.
Along with two students from the infirmary, the four form a club in the pursuit of lucid dreaming, and at Marlowe’s insistence, move into an abandoned classroom in the woods around the school where they can dream undisturbed. But as they learn more about their own identities and each other, Marlowe’s behavior becomes strange and restrictive, and Gwyn begins to suspect she has ulterior motives for bringing them together. As Gwyn leads the charge to uncover Marlowe’s motive and past, Marlowe works to maintain her control over the three of them by using gas lighting and manipulation to render them incapable of discerning reality from dream. To prevent the end she’s planned for them, the three girls must work together and find a way to wake themselves from her influence.
First 250:
Marlowe Brady lay awake at three in the morning in the fourth bed in the first of two rows in the Goldfinch dormitory of The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women. It was November ninth. She was wearing silk pajamas, and doing fairly well considering the circumstances. The circumstances were that she’d been awake since November sixth.
In the first fifty hours, nothing very interesting had happened. But during the fifty-sixth, a fly landed on the bulb of the green shaded lamp on her bedside table.
At first, Marlowe tried to watch it without turning her head, by shifting her eyes as far in its direction as they’d go. But this gave her a headache, so eventually she resigned to face it, pressing her cheek against the pillow, her dark hair falling over darker eyes.
People didn’t tend to believe that insects had free will, or made decisions, but Marlowe had never doubted. Sometimes she would mentally urge the fly to move in one direction or the other, and most of the time it wouldn’t. But on the rare occasion that it did, she became re-invigorated by the illusion that her will had been so strong that it’d been unable to resist, that it was the sheer force of her own thoughts that pushed it back onto the heat of the glass bulb when it wandered off. She indulged in the idea that this small living thing would burn itself alive if she wanted it.
Not that she did.
And now my critique. Yes, I am doing it right now, if you don’t want to read my thoughts, stop here.
First, a disclaimer…
Hi, my name is Kathy. I am not a writing god or expert. I will tell you what works for me and what doesn’t. I will put in honest reactions. Please take the comments that make sense to YOU for YOUR ms. Please disregard any comments that aren’t relevant. I will ask a butt-ton (seriously, I don’t know exactly how much a butt-ton is, but it’s a lot) of questions to spark your creative brain. Any questions that I ask that give you an AH-HA moment run with all those ideas! The questions that don’t send lightning to your mind…ignore. Please listen to all the other wonderfully talented people who will stop by.
Thank you for sharing your words. Your words are important. You are awesome!
Query:
The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women is one of the last surviving members of its kind—a rigorous ivy and brick institution intended to propel its few lucky, wealthy students straight to the Ivy Leagues. So (I’d delete the “So”.) when popular, charismatic megalomaniac Marlowe Brady decides to stop sleeping, everyone notices. But when chronically depressed loner Gwyneth Rosewood decides to stop sleeping, eating, drinking, and living altogether, no one does. No one, except Marlowe, whose unwanted intervention lands them both in the school’s infirmary, (They end up in the infirmary…why? An unwanted intervention? That is a bit vague. Did Gwyn try to kill herself? Is everyone worried about Marlowe and that Gwyn tried to commit suicide?) where another student (Is this student important? Give her a name?) offers an unconventional solution to Marlowe’s insomnia (I thought she decided to stop sleeping. It’s insomnia?): lucid dreaming, the ability to control one’s dreams. (Why did she decide to stop sleeping? And now why would she want to start sleeping and control her dreams?)
Along with two students from the infirmary (who are they? Why are they joining?), the four form a club in the pursuit of lucid dreaming, and at Marlowe’s insistence, move into an abandoned classroom in the woods (There’s a room in the woods?) around the school where they can dream undisturbed. But as they learn more about their own identities and each other, Marlowe’s behavior becomes strange and restrictive, and Gwyn begins to suspect she has ulterior motives for bringing them together. (whose POV? If we’re with Marlowe. She doesn’t become strange and restrictive, she is driven to do what she needs to because of her desires. Is this ms multiple POV?) As Gwyn leads the charge to uncover Marlowe’s motive and past, Marlowe works to maintain her control over the three of them by using gas lighting and manipulation to render them incapable of discerning reality from dream. To prevent the end she’s planned for them (What end?), the three girls must work together and find a way to wake themselves from her influence. (And if they don’t escape her what will happen? What do they have to face to escape?)
I have POV questions…the beginning set up Marlowe, but the end was more Gwyn. If there are multiple POVs set up each character and what they want and what they will do to get it. The other girls in the club…are they important enough to name? Is this Marlowe vs Gwyn? What drives them to try lucid dreaming and what drives Marlowe to manipulate?
This ms sounds so cool! The premise is intriguing! Lucid dreaming. Manipulation. Sounds dark and awesome, like quite a ride! I would so read this.
First 250:
Marlowe Brady lay awake at three in the morning in the fourth bed in the first of two rows in the Goldfinch dormitory of The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women. (anyone else there? Sounds? Smells?) It was November ninth. She was wearing silk pajamas, and doing fairly well considering the circumstances. The circumstances were that she’d been awake since November sixth. (I’d combine those last two sentences, just hit us with “fairly well, considering she’d been awake since November sixth. BAM! And that’s crazy.)
In the first fifty hours, nothing very interesting had happened. (What is driving her to stay awake? Let us know her character by telling us if this is voluntary about what she intends to achieve.) But during the fifty-sixth, a fly landed on the bulb of the green shaded lamp on her bedside table.
At first, Marlowe tried to watch it without turning her head, by shifting her eyes as far in its direction as they’d go. But this gave her a headache, so eventually she resigned to face it, pressing her cheek against the pillow, her dark hair falling over darker eyes.
People didn’t tend to believe that insects had free will, or made decisions, but Marlowe had never doubted. Sometimes she would mentally urge the fly to move in one direction or the other, and most of the time it wouldn’t. But on the rare occasion that it did, she became re-invigorated by the illusion that her will had been so strong that it’d been unable to resist, that it was the sheer force of her own thoughts that pushed it back onto the heat of the glass bulb when it wandered off. She indulged in the idea that this small living thing would burn itself alive if she wanted it.
Not that she did. (Oh…but maybe she did.)
Dude. A great start! I am very interested. I love being in Marlowe’s head and learning how she likes to manipulate. This is definitely not going to lead anywhere good! I like the writing and tone.
For the author of this entry…Feel free to comment on what I have said and you can certainly post revisions!
Again, THANK YOU for participating. Sharing your words and opening up for critique is difficult. We all are here to help you make your ms as shiny as possible. Good luck with all the writing!
Kathleen Palm 
The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women is one of the last (surviving members – needed?)of its kind—a rigorous (ivy and brick – needed?) institution intended to propel its few lucky, wealthy students straight to the Ivy Leagues. So when popular, charismatic megalomaniac Marlowe Brady decides to stop sleeping, everyone notices. But when chronically depressed loner Gwyneth Rosewood decides to stop sleeping, eating, drinking, and living altogether, no one does. No one, except Marlowe, whose unwanted intervention lands them both in the school’s infirmary, where another student offers an unconventional solution to Marlowe’s insomnia: lucid dreaming, the ability to control one’s dreams. (So much comes in that sentence that I’m left with questions. Maybe break that up a bit.)
Along with two students from the infirmary, the four form a club in the pursuit of lucid dreaming, and at Marlowe’s insistence, move into an abandoned classroom in the woods (around the school – needed?) where they can dream undisturbed. But as they learn more about their own identities and each other, Marlowe’s behavior becomes strange and restrictive, and Gwyn begins to suspect she has ulterior motives for bringing them together. As Gwyn leads the charge to uncover Marlowe’s motive and past, Marlowe works to maintain her control over the three of them until they are incapable of discerning reality from dream?? Tighten that up as suspense builds?). To prevent the end Marlowe’s planned for them, the three girls must work together and find a way to wake themselves from her influence. (amp up the stakes? Must wake up or perish? Or what will happen if they don’t wake up? Become her puppets? )
Your query is off to a great start and just needs a little fine tuning. I tagged a few phrase that might not be needed and added a few questions. Best of luck!
First 250:
Marlowe Brady lay awake at three in the morning in the fourth bed in the first of two rows in the Goldfinch dormitory of The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women. (I love this first sentence!!!) It was November ninth. She was wearing silk pajamas, and doing fairly well considering the circumstances. The circumstances were that she’d been awake since November sixth. (Wow)
In the first fifty hours, nothing very interesting had happened. But during the fifty-sixth, a fly landed on the bulb of the green shaded lamp on her bedside table.
At first, Marlowe tried to watch it without turning her head, by shifting her eyes as far in its direction as they’d go. But this gave her a headache, so eventually she resigned to face it, pressing her cheek against the pillow, her dark hair falling over darker eyes.
People didn’t tend to believe that insects had free will, or made decisions, but Marlowe had never doubted. Sometimes she would mentally urge the fly to move in one direction or the other, and most of the time it wouldn’t. But on the rare occasion that it did, she became re-invigorated by the illusion that her will had been so strong that it’d been unable to resist, that it was the sheer force of her own thoughts that pushed it back onto the heat of the glass bulb when it wandered off. She indulged in the idea that this small living thing would burn itself alive if she wanted it.
Not that she did.
And I wanted more words… this is off to a fabulous start. Loved the writing. Thanks for sharing!
All of my thoughts /suggestions/opinions are humbly offered.
Thanks so much for your suggestions! I definitely agree with your advice on getting rid of certain phrases to tighten up the query, I’ll work on that!
Query: #8
Thank you for the opportunity to read your work! I really appreciate it. All the best to you!
Please keep in mind my comments are all IMHO – in my humble opinion.
I love the concept of your story! Dreaming is such an interesting topic, and you’ve given yourself a blank canvas for creativity – excellent! Overall, I would tighten your query. IMHO, sharper verbs and shorter sentences will serve you better here.
For example, below is my edited version of your first paragraph. I’ve lopped off some of the adjectives. A full explanation of what the Diana Banesbury school, IMHO, is not needed – the name itself implies exclusivity, wealth, etc. I think the phrase ‘everyone notices’ feels weak, and you could benefit from upping the stakes.
I thought about this pitch overnight, and I have one other comment on the query – is Gwyneth going to be your heroine? If so, the query reads now with more emphasis on Marlowe. Maybe consider putting Gwyneth in the forefront, versus Marlowe. (if that’s your intent. Right now it sounds like Marlowe is the villain.)
EDITED 1ST PARAGRAPH: When megalomaniac Marlowe Brady- one of the chosen few attending The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women – decides to stop sleeping, it’s on everyone’s radar. Not so when loner Gwyneth Rosewood starts down the same path. But it’s only a matter of time until Marlowe’s interference lands them both in the school’s infirmary. There, they learn of an unusual solution to their insomnia: lucid dreaming.
***I’m curious – do you have a one sentence description of your story? An elevator pitch, if you will? I do this for all of my stories, because it forces me to get to the heart of it. This also helps me to understand my story (especially when I’m in the throes of it and I get mired in details). It also helps me ensure that I have a full blown story before I ever get started.
First 250:
Marlowe Brady lay awake at three in the morning in the fourth bed in the first of two rows in the Goldfinch dormitory of The Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women. (Wow! This is a mouthful of numbers. Would you consider sprinkling them throughout?) It was November ninth. She was wearing silk pajamas, and doing fairly well considering the circumstances. The circumstances were that she’d been awake since November sixth.
***If you want to include the silk pajamas, instead of just telling me she’s wearing them, consider using them as a prop or a tool to illustrate her character – Marlowe wiped damp palms over the sleeves of her silk pajamas, dampening the fabric. Do you see the difference? When you tell me she’s wearing silk pjs, it brings your story to a halt, and at this point, is meaningless. However, when you work it in as a prop, now the reader has a visual, and it’s connected to something she’s doing, which also speaks to her state of mind. As well, the fact that she’s wearing silk pjs in the first place shows a certain type of person. And you haven’t ‘told’ me a thing. You’ve showed it all to me.)
In the first fifty hours, nothing very interesting had happened. But during the fifty-sixth, a fly landed on the bulb of the green shaded lamp on her bedside table.
At first, Marlowe tried to watch it without turning her head, by shifting her eyes as far in its direction as they’d go. But this gave her a headache, so eventually she resigned to face it, pressing her cheek against the pillow, her dark hair falling over darker eyes.
People didn’t tend to believe that insects had free will, or made decisions, but Marlowe had never doubted. Sometimes she would mentally urge the fly to move in one direction or the other, and most of the time it wouldn’t. But on the rare occasion that it did, she became re-invigorated by the illusion that her will had been so strong that it’d been unable to resist, that it was the sheer force of her own thoughts that pushed it back onto the heat of the glass bulb when it wandered off. She indulged in the idea that this small living thing would burn itself alive if she wanted it.
Not that she did.
***Marlowe definitely sounds like a case – I want to get to know this character better!
One more thing I wanted to mention and forgot to include in my other comment – have you read Techniques of the Selling Writer? This is the best book I’ve ever read on writing, and I recommend it constantly. It literally changed the way I wrote, and after I’d applied the principles, I got published. It’s phenomenal! Thanks again for letting me read your work – have a great day!
Hi, thanks for your advice, everyone! I’ve gotten mixed feedback about whether it’s better to include the names and motivations of all four of the main characters, or just focus on Marlowe and Gwyn as the main antagonist and protagonist in order to avoid getting bogged down with all the names. Since the book is from an omniscient POV, shifting focuses between the four main characters, I’m conflicted about whether to simplify the query by cutting some of the characters, or to include them to make it clear what to expect in the story. I have an older version of the current query which I’ve included here that focuses more on the motives of each of the characters, and I think helps give a better impression of the POV of the book. Let me know which one you think is headed in the right direction! Of course, if it seems like this one is better, I’ll tweak it some more. Thanks so much!
At an exclusive women’s boarding school in New Hampshire, four girls form a tightly knit club in the pursuit of learning more about lucid dreaming, each with their own motive for joining. Gwyneth Rosewood, a severely depressed loner, hopes to find a way to use the dreaming technique to obtain closure for her brother’s death. Sloane Mischlin, a snarky thrill-seeker, hopes to use it as another means of escaping reality. Ellie Bishop, a hardworking small-town girl with dreams of being a doctor, hopes to gain further scientific evidence to support lucid dreaming, and to make some friends along the way. Marlowe Brady, a popular and charismatic megalomaniac, claims to be interested in it as a means of overcoming her fear of wasting time, but secretly aims to overcome her real fear of losing control by gradually gaining control over every aspect of the other three girl’s lives.
Marlowe immediately assumes the role of ringleader, convincing the other three to move in with her to an abandoned classroom in the woods so they can go about their dreaming undisturbed. As the four girls get better at lucid dreaming, Marlowe begins to tighten her hold on them, restricting their sleeping schedules, their diets, and their contact with the outside world. While the other three grow closer as they learn more about themselves and each other, Marlowe’s true self remains a mystery. She continues to demand more of them, isolating them from each other and fostering their dependence on her, until the girls find themselves questioning their identities, their realities, and the lies she’s bound them with. Through gas lighting and manipulation, Marlowe renders the girls incapable of discerning reality from dream, and they must uncover her motive and past in order to save themselves from the psychological and physical destruction Marlowe’s tailored to each of them.
I do think with an omniscient POV with all four girls, that all four should be in the query to set up the ms. Unfortunately everyone will have different opinions on this. I’ll tell you to go with your gut. This premise…I have not been able to forget it and the first 250.
I like the idea of setting up each girl…why they joined the club in your original query. But one step further…
At the Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women, Marlowe decides to stop sleeping. Gwyn wishes for death. Sloane wants to escape. Ellie brings them together in the name of science.
Then bring them together in the infirmary…then form the club…And repeat the list of girls and why they want in…no need for last names.
Gwyneth, a severely depressed loner, hopes to find a way to use the dreaming technique to obtain closure for her brother’s death.
Sloane, a snarky thrill-seeker, hopes to use it as another means of escaping reality. Ellie, a hardworking small-town girl with dreams of being a doctor, hopes to gain further scientific evidence to support lucid dreaming, and to make some friends along the way.
Marlowe, a popular and charismatic megalomaniac, claims to be interested in it as a means of overcoming her fear of wasting time, but secretly aims to overcome her real fear of losing control by gradually gaining control over every aspect of the other three girl’s lives.
You could probably condense some of those…
Then go into the last para, where Marlowe grows out of control in her controlling (sorry about the wording there)…the girls must decide what to do …get out from under her thumb or suffer…
It’s a tough call. But bringing in a snippet from each girl, letting us know just a bit about them, will be enough to link them together. If it’s a choice between having all of them or vague mentions of other girls, I’d name them. Seems that they are all important to the story.
If this idea makes you want to run screaming…forget about it. There are parts of each query I like.
Eep! Sorry about the late reply, this is great advice! I really appreciate all the time you’ve put into helping me tighten my query. And thanks so much for your vote of confidence! I’ll keep working hard to fine tune the query so I don’t let you down. Also, will we have a chance to send in a final query+250 before round three?
Post it when you want. I know I voted for you before you could get it revised…but I believe in you! If my wee vote gets you into round three, I forget when you have to have them sent to Katie.
VOTING VOTING VOTING… This is me voting for Lucid.
Pingback: #SonofaPitch…Thoughts and My Votes | Finding Faeries
Thanks for the help everyone! Revised query with all feedback taken into account here:
One day at the Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women, Marlowe decides to stop sleeping. Gwyn wishes for death. Sloane wants an adventure. Ellie longs for friendship. The four meet in the school’s infirmary, where Ellie offers an unconventional solution to all their problems; lucid dreaming, the ability to control one’s dreams. This will give Gwyn a way to obtain closure from her dead brother; Sloane, the freedom to spend her nights in a world more exciting than her waking one could ever be, and Marlowe a way to recover the control she’s afraid of losing to sleep by gradually taking control over every aspect of the other three girls’ lives.
Marlowe assumes the role of ringleader, convincing the other three to form a club with her in the pursuit of lucid dreaming, then persuading them to move into an abandoned classroom where they can dream undisturbed. But as the four girls get better at lucid dreaming, Marlowe tightens her hold, restricting their sleeping schedules, their diets, and their contact with the outside world. While the other three grow closer as they learn more about themselves and each other, Marlowe’s true self remains a mystery. She continues to demand more of them, isolating them from each other and fostering their dependence on her until the girls find themselves questioning their identities, their realities, and the lies she’s bound them with.
Through gas lighting and manipulation, Marlowe renders the others incapable of discerning reality from dream. The three girls must find a way to wake themselves from her influence or risk becoming compliant followers of the path of physical and psychological destruction she’s planned for them.
Lucid is an interesting title and catchy.
The opening sentence had me until it implied the school was the last surviving member of its kind, which suggested the school building itself was alive (that stopped me dead in my tracks). Plus, the sentence ended up winding around a lot of interesting information, but much of it got lost in the wordy sentence. Consider pinpointing what’s important in the sentence itself (what you want to highlight) and if there is more than one item you want to showcase, break the sentence up into 2 or 3 sections. Also, watch the use of too many descriptors because they can bog down the wording. As it stands, the story is interesting and doesn’t need extra descriptors to slow down the reader. In other words, get to the point.
In the second paragraph, two students are mentioned. If they are important enough to start the paragraph, give them names or start the sentence with one of the mentioned character’s names. Overall, this blurb reminds me of Flatliners because of its dark undertones (I so love that movie). Please review the blurb and identify how many times you’ve either started a sentence with a character’s name or utilized a character’s name within the body. The repeat use of names makes the blurb read repetitive, which hides some of the mounting tension of the story offered through lucid dreaming.
The first sentence of the excerpt is three lines long (32-words). This takes away from the hook effect. Starting with ‘It was November ninth’ then flowing into Marlowe awake in bed would offer more of a hook (or even: It was November ninth—three in the morning. Marlowe Brady . . .). Also, review the repeat use of words in close proximity: circumstances, November, etc. And if Marlowe’s head was on the pillow, would she be thinking about her ‘dark’ hair falling over her ‘dark’ eyes? No. She can’t see her eyes and most people don’t think about their red/blond/brown/black hair sliding over their specific colored eyes. They merely know hair has fallen over eyes, obstructing one’s vision.
“People didn’t tend to believe that insects had free will, or made decision, but Marlowe had never doubted (love the talk about insects. nice).” -What people? Be careful stating what sounds like a fact or opinion because a reader my not agree. And the sentence is a bit awkwardly phrased. In addition, watch the use of the word ‘that’ in sentences when it isn’t required to make a sentence whole. The blurb and excerpt utilize ‘that’ rather often as a filter word.
As for the central character’s voice, it is young and fresh, but I’d love to scratch further down into her deeper emotions and thoughts because I know there’s some juicy content waiting to be discovered on an emotional level. And I’m sure the pages of the novel offer a nice peek into who the character is at the core.
I said it already, and I’ll say it again, Lucid is an interesting title and lucid dreaming is an intriguing topic for a book. This blurb and story concept caught my eye. Well done.
April A. Luna
One day at the Diana Banesbury School for Exceptional Young Women, Marlowe decides to stop sleeping. Gwyn wishes for death. Sloane wants an adventure. Ellie longs for friendship. The four meet in the school’s infirmary, where Ellie offers an unconventional solution to all their problems; lucid dreaming,(Because you use “lucid dreaming” later in the query, I think you can cut this one and just say> the ability to control one’s dreams. This will give (You can make this stronger… will it give her closure or does she hope it will? Gwyn hopes to obtain closure…or Gwyn wants closure…) Gwyn a way to obtain closure from her dead brother; Sloane, the freedom to spend her nights in a world more exciting than her waking one could ever be, and Marlowe a way to recover the control she’s afraid of losing to sleep by gradually taking control over every aspect of the other three girls’ lives. (this last sentence is a bit long)
Marlowe assumes the role of ringleader, convincing the other three to form a club with her in the pursuit of lucid dreaming, then persuading them to move into an abandoned classroom where they can dream undisturbed. (Do we need to know where the club is?) But as the four girls get better at lucid dreaming (meaning? They can control what their dreams are or what happens in the dreams they have?), Marlowe tightens her hold, restricting their sleeping schedules, their diets, and their contact with the outside world. While the other three grow closer as they learn more about themselves and each other, ( You can tighten this sentence…The other three girls grow closer, learning more about themselves and each other…Learning more because of the dreaming?) Marlowe’s true self remains a mystery. She continues to demand more of them, isolating them from each other and fostering their dependence on her until the girls find themselves questioning their identities, their realities, and the lies she’s bound them with. (Love that!)
Through gas lighting and manipulation, Marlowe renders the others incapable of discerning reality from dream. The three girls must find a way to wake themselves from her influence or risk becoming compliant followers of the path of physical and psychological destruction she’s planned for them. (Nice! Overall, I think it’s pretty solid. The characters are set up, I know who to expect in the ms…and I know Marlowe is wicked and awesome! Great stakes. Great conflict. Love this concept! I hope you make it to round three!)