Son of a Pitch, round 2, begins! Welcome to Team Dark Side.
Eleven posts, for eleven entries. Four other blogs are hosting more! The comment section is for Son of a Pitch authors to leave their thoughts. So please do not comment unless you are a Son of a Pitch author. Thank you!
Onto entry 6!
Title: Prisoner of Fate
Category and Genre: Adult Fantasy
Word Count: 160,000
Query:
When most people have a mid-life crisis, they buy a fancy carriage. When Komak Cer-Marin has a mid-life crisis, he teams up with a murderer and a possessed healer to stop death itself.
On parchment, Komak has everything a man could desire: status, wealth, family. In reality, status and wealth taste hollow, and he would cheerfully murder his brothers if his hands stayed clean. When enigmatic traveler Sedhan Saphadzar offers Komak the chance at an undying legacy – the creation of an artifact that halts death itself – Komak can’t resist its lure.
But destiny doesn’t come without problems. Sedhan is wanted for murder, with dragonriders hounding him, and he’s hiding something worse. A possessed half-elf healer joins them to flee her heritage, even as she furthers their ends. When their preparations go awry, Komak must decide if a legacy justifies the crimes he’s committed or if he’s willing to stake his life for morals he didn’t know he had.
First 250 Words:
“Sedhan Saphadzar, to speak with Komak Cer-Marin, the lord’s son,” the man said for the seventh time – once to the guard on the bridge across the lake, once at the entrance to the city, once at the outer wall, twice at the first gate, once at the keep entrance, and again here, at the door to the audience chamber.
The guard by the door, like all the guards before, cast him a dubious glance, and Sedhan could almost hear the man’s thoughts. Sedhan’s accent was rich with the unmistakable lilting of the hills of Old Marin, but something still gave the guard pause. Perhaps it was the color of his hair – a dark auburn more common to the deserts of Baerga, lightly dusted with silver and cut short in the style common to travelers. He was lean but muscled, and his face was handsome, if sharply angular. He wore simple traveling clothes, not distinctive to any land, with a plain cloak and linen shirt of the same inky black as his eyes. He carried no weapons, a fact he demonstrated by keeping his cloak back over his shoulders.
Unable to find anything off-putting, the guard grunted his consent. Sedhan pushed the door to the audience chamber open. As he stepped through, he touched the frame and chanted the threshold rite again, as he had whenever in view of a guard or member of the House.
And now my critique. Yes, I am doing it right now, if you don’t want to read my thoughts, stop here.
First, a disclaimer…
Hi, my name is Kathy. I am not a writing god or expert. I will tell you what works for me and what doesn’t. I will put in honest reactions. Please take the comments that make sense to YOU for YOUR ms. Please disregard any comments that aren’t relevant. I will ask a butt-ton (seriously, I don’t know exactly how much a butt-ton is, but it’s a lot) of questions to spark your creative brain. Any questions that I ask that give you an AH-HA moment run with all those ideas! The questions that don’t send lightning to your mind…ignore. Please listen to all the other wonderfully talented people who will stop by.
Thank you for sharing your words. Your words are important. You are awesome!
Query:
When most people have a mid-life crisis, they buy a fancy carriage. When Komak Cer-Marin has a mid-life crisis, he teams up with a murderer and a possessed healer to stop death itself. (OMG I’m in.)
On parchment, Komak has everything a man could desire: status, wealth, family. In reality, (I think you can cut “In reality”) status and wealth taste hollow, and he would cheerfully murder his brothers if his hands stayed clean. (HA! Love that! Way to show his character.) When enigmatic traveler Sedhan Saphadzar offers Komak the chance at an undying legacy – the creation of an artifact that halts death itself – Komak can’t resist its lure. (Sedhan is offering to help Komak create this artifact…not find it? Komak is lured to the power this would give? Halts death for …just the person who has it or everything?)
But destiny (He thinks his destiny is to do something big like halt death…this is what drives him?) doesn’t come without problems. Sedhan is wanted for murder, with dragonriders hounding him, and he’s hiding something worse. (Are the dragonriders after him because of the murder or something else? Dragon riders make me happy! But the “hiding something worse” is too vague, doesn’t pack any punch.) A possessed half-elf healer (OH! I likey possessed characters! Does this one have a name?) joins them to flee her heritage (What heritage? What is she fleeing?), even as she furthers their ends.(She’s helping them to help herself? How does it help her, by giving her a means to get away from her life? But does she care about what they are doing?) When their preparations go awry, Komak must decide if a legacy justifies the crimes he’s committed or if he’s willing to stake his life for morals he didn’t know he had. (What preparations? How do they go awry? What crimes has he committed? I need to see what he wants…what gets in the way…how he changes, these morals he didn’t know he had…then what the choice is. Does he have to decide to either create this artifact or not? Does he create it and have to decide to use it? How is his life at stake? You lose me with this last paragraph. And I wonder about 160K being a bit long…even for fantasy…though fantasy is tough because world building. Just a thought.)
After having read the first 250…I am a bit confused that it was Sebhan’s POV. This query sets up Komak’s POV. Whose story is it? Or is it omniscient POV?
First 250 Words:
“Sedhan Saphadzar, to speak with Komak Cer-Marin, the lord’s son,” the man said for the seventh time – once to the guard on the bridge across the lake, once at the entrance to the city, once at the outer wall, twice at the first gate, once at the keep entrance, and again here, at the door to the audience chamber. (I am confused with POV here. First I thought it was the guard, who was listening to the man…then I realized it must be the man…but who is the man? I like the having to repeat the sentence over and over…protocol. Lol. And the man…is he annoyed at having to say it? Is it routine? Has he had to do this before to see the same leader or a different one? Put us in his head. Is he anxious to get to speak with Komak? Is he nervous? Excited?)
The guard by the door, like all the guards before,(A bit of description here.) cast him a dubious glance, and Sedhan could almost hear the man’s thoughts (his thoughts? Or his doubts? Or how the guard must be pondering the individual before him, questioning if he should allow him in?). (Oh, the man is Sedhan!) Sedhan’s accent was rich with the unmistakable lilting of the hills of Old Marin (Is that good? Would the guard not like that?), but something still gave the guard pause. Perhaps it was the color of his hair – a dark auburn more common to the deserts of Baerga, lightly dusted with silver and cut short in the style common to travelers. (Would that hurt his chances of getting in?) He was lean but muscled, and his face was handsome, if sharply angular. (feels like omniscient POV) He wore simple traveling clothes, not distinctive to any land, with a plain cloak and linen shirt of the same inky black as his eyes. He carried no weapons, a fact he demonstrated by keeping his cloak back over his shoulders. (Can Sedhan look down at himself…or brush some dust from his shoulder or straighten his shirt so we can see what he has on without being told what he looks like? Does he usually carry a weapon? How badly does he want in? Is he worried they won’t let him in? What are his intentions? I want a hint of something, so I can be worried or scared or excited. I want to be drawn in with a promise of something.
Unable to find anything off-putting, the guard grunted his consent. (With omniscient POV we would certainly know what the guard thought…if it is Sebhan’s then he can think that he must have passed inspection because the guard let him through. And Sedhan is…overjoyed? Is this the final door keeping him from his goal?) Sedhan pushed the door to the audience chamber open. As he stepped through, he touched the frame and chanted the threshold rite again, as he had whenever in view of a guard or member of the House. (Why? What does the chant do or mean?)
I am dying to know more about Sebhan. The chant suggests magic, which makes me curious. But I need more emotion to draw me in, more tension to pull me into the story. We don’t have to know his intentions, but a feel for if he’s up to no good or going to try to manipulate…what is in this for Sebhan?
For the author of this entry…Feel free to comment on what I have said and you can certainly post revisions!
Again, THANK YOU for participating. Sharing your words and opening up for critique is difficult. We all are here to help you make your ms as shiny as possible. Good luck with all the writing!
Kathleen Palm 
When most people have a mid-life crisis, they buy a fancy carriage. Komak Cer-Marin’ s mid-life crisis has him teaming up with a murderer and a possessed healer to stop death itself.
On parchment, Komak has everything a man could desire: status, wealth, family. In reality, status and wealth taste hollow, and he would cheerfully murder his brothers if his hands stayed clean. (lol – love that) When enigmatic traveler Sedhan Saphadzar offers Komak the chance at an undying legacy – the creation of an artifact that halts death itself – Komak can’t resist its lure.
But destiny doesn’t come without problems.(good line) Sedhan is wanted for murder, with dragonriders hounding him, and he’s hiding something worse. (tinker here – so much to process – are the dragonrides the ones to carry out the sentence? Are they critical to the query? And the worse – define this more so we know how bad it is.) A possessed half-elf healer joins them to flee her heritage, even as she furthers their ends. (is this critical to the query? She’s mentioned above so yes, but what’s her role/danger/conflict) When their preparations go awry (flesh ou a bit?), Komak must decide if a legacy justifies the crimes he’s committed or if he’s willing to stake his life for morals he didn’t know he had.
Query is off to a great start and You’ve got a few killer lines in there that made me chuckle. I marked a few spots that confused me and also a few elements that May or may not be necessary to the query. Best of luck with this!
First 250 Words:
“Sedhan Saphadzar, to speak with Komak Cer-Marin, the lord’s son,” the man said for the seventh time – once to the guard on the bridge across the lake, once at the entrance to the city, once at the outer wall, twice at the first gate, once at the keep entrance, and again here, at the door to the audience chamber. (☺ love this start)
The guard by the door, like all the guards before, cast (him – needed?) a dubious glance, and Sedhan could almost hear the man’s thoughts. Sedhan’s accent was rich with the unmistakable lilting of the hills of Old Marin, but something still gave the guard pause. Perhaps it was the color of his hair – a dark auburn more common to the deserts of Baerga, lightly dusted with silver and cut short in the style common to travelers. He was lean but muscled, and his face was handsome, if sharply angular. He wore simple traveling clothes, not distinctive to any land, with a plain cloak and linen shirt of the same inky black as his eyes. He carried no weapons, a fact he demonstrated by keeping his cloak back over his shoulders. (are the guards thoughts the inspection of his appearance? Would each one be punctuated with a reason why it would be acceptable or not unusual? I like the thought that this is a run down but needs more to push it that way – otherwise it reads like a detailed description. Perhaps tinker here – but on another note – I love the descriptions)
Unable to find anything off-putting, the guard grunted his consent. Sedhan pushed the door to the audience chamber open. As he stepped through, he touched the frame and chanted the threshold rite again, as he had whenever in view of a guard or member of the House.(this sounds like he’s doing this only to fit in … it sounds like it might be a deception –☺
I enjoyed reading your 250. The voice and writing are strong. I made a note or two. Great start!
All suggestions/thoughts/opinions are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your words.
Thank you Kathy and Elsie for your lovely feedback!
What I’m really struggling with (and what I think you both sensed) is how much to include vs. what to leave out for brevity – hard to condense a novel this long down!
I’m going to work on some revisions later and repost!
OK, revisions incoming!
Notes on query: I’m struggling with how much is too much to reveal. I think this one does a better job, but I’m interested to see if you still think it’s too vague or if I made it too confusing. (And Kathy – at least my manuscript isn’t 173,000 words anymore?)
Notes on 250 words: I did write parts of the book in omniscient, but I’m trying to step that back. Y’all are absolutely right that Sedhan’s whole appearance is a calculated manipulation to gain access to Komak, so I’m glad that comes through (tried to put a bit more in there).
QUERY:
When most people have a mid-life crisis, they buy a fancy carriage. When Komak Cer-Marin has a mid-life crisis, he teams up with a murderer and a possessed healer to stop death itself.
On parchment, Komak has everything a man could desire: status, wealth, family. In reality, status and wealth taste hollow, and he would cheerfully murder his brothers if his hands stayed clean. When enigmatic traveler Sedhan offers Komak the chance at an undying legacy – the creation of an artifact that halts death itself – Komak can’t resist the chance to outshine his brothers.
But destiny doesn’t come without problems. Sedhan is wanted by a dragonriding police force for murder and by a goddess for breach of contract. C’sayre, a healer fleeing the death sentence of her half-elf heritage, joins them, but she sinks deeper into possession each day. Together, they lie, kidnap and kill to gather the materials they need. When betrayal divides them and results in a death, Komak must decide if he’s willing to let someone he loved go unavenged or stake his life for morals he didn’t know he had.
FIRST 250 WORDS:
“Sedhan Saphadzar, to speak with Komak Cer-Marin, the lord’s son,” Sedhan said for the seventh time – once to the guard on the bridge across the lake, once at the entrance to the city, once at the outer wall, twice at the first gate, once at the keep entrance, and again here, at the door to the audience chamber.
The guard by the door, like all the guards before, appraised him suspiciously. Sedhan had affected an accent rich with the unmistakable lilting of the hills of Old Marin, a mark in his favor, but the guard did not let him pass right away. Perhaps it was the color of his hair – a dark auburn more common to the deserts of Baerga, cut short for the road. He was lean but muscled, and his angular face was handsome enough. Sedhan brushed his plain cloak back over his shoulders, revealing that he carried no weapons and wore simple clothes, not distinctive to any land, with a linen shirt of the same inky black as his eyes.
Finally, the guard grunted his consent. Sedhan impatiently pushed the door open. As he stepped through, he touched the frame and chanted the threshold rite again, as he had whenever in view of a guard or member of the House. It didn’t matter that the words were meaningless, passed down through a rich oral tradition until they were simply a jumble of sounds that sounded like an incantation if you didn’t listen closely.
I like this! The confusion I had from the third para is gone. I am very excited about a possessed character…seriously. I do wonder…who betrays who? Who dies and how are they related to Komak that he would avenge them?
I like the first 250! I’ve got just enough from Sedhan now to know he is manipulative. I love the last sentence about the chant. Nice!
The query is much tighter now and the details you added work! and the 250 is stronger too. (and I loved you were able to include a few more lines!) Great job.
Query: Interesting mix of modern concepts like “mid-life crisis” with older ideas like “a fancy carriage” and “parchment.” I’m intrigued.
The language of the query is clear and engaging. I have few complaints.
“But destiny doesn’t come without problems” seems a very pedestrian sentence compared to the colorful language of other sentences like “status and wealth taste hollow.” Try for some of that more vibrant wording here, too. Once you list the problems, “problems” starts to feel like a small word for the types of troubles the trio face.
I wonder if C’sayre needs to be named in the query. It’s important to keep the focus tight in a query and you can probably just continue to call her “the healer” to avoid bringing in a third name in such a short selection.
First 250 words: I actually have no suggestions. It flows well. I’m interested by Sedhan and wondering what he’s up to (he must be up to something if he’s affecting an accent and spending so much effort and consideration on his look). I smell a con, and I like a good con (in stories, at least).
Yeah I debated leaving out C’sayre’s name or putting it in. I’m still on the fence there.
Re: the “problems” sentence, what about “But destiny doesn’t come without obstacles” or “But destiny doesn’t come without a catch” – less pedestrian?
This entry has one of my votes.
I want to love this because it sounds fun, but 160k is way, WAY over the acceptable limit and looking at your first 250 I can see where you’re going wrong for the entire manuscript.
Two of your first 3 paragraphs are info dumps. Sedhan is thinking about his clothes, basically doing a mirror trick and telling the reader who he is, but not bothering to detail where he is.
If you cut that 250 down to the actual story you need right now you have 160 words…
……………………………………………………….
“Sedhan Saphadzar, to speak with Komak Cer-Marin, the lord’s son,” the man said for the seventh time – once to the guard on the bridge across the lake, once at the entrance to the city, once at the outer wall, twice at the first gate, once at the keep entrance, and again here, at the door to the audience chamber.
The guard by the door, like all the guards before, cast him a dubious glance.
Sedhan could almost hear the man’s thoughts. Sedhan’s accent was rich with the unmistakable lilting of the hills of Old Marin, unusual for the city. He was an outsider boldly demanding an audience with one of the wealthiest men in the city.
After a long moment, the guard grunted his consent.
With a nod of thanks, Sedhan pushed the door to the audience chamber open, touching the frame as he murmured the threshold rite under his breath., as he had whenever in view of a guard or member of the House.
…………………………………………………………….
There are novels with 160,000 words. Especially in fantasy. But they aren’t wasting words on telling, info dumps, or over-writing. If I can trim down that much in your first 250 words, I can tell there is more to trim in the novel.
You need to go back in and ruthlessly cull 40,000-60,000 from your book. Tighten it up, and try again.
For the record, I am culling words. I took out 10K just in the last week, and I’m planning to cut more. It is helping a lot.
That being said, isn’t saying “He was an outsider boldly demanding an audience with one of the wealthiest men in the city” telling instead of showing? I’d rather let my reader reach that conclusion on their own by showing what’s offputting and outsiderish about him.