Son of a Pitch, round 2, begins! Welcome to Team Dark Side.
Eleven posts, for eleven entries. Four other blogs are hosting more! The comment section is for Son of a Pitch authors to leave their thoughts. So please do not comment unless you are a Son of a Pitch author. Thank you!
Onto entry 2!
Title: The Iceni and the Roman
Genre: NA Historical Romance
Word Count: 95,000
Query;
Devona watched her parents be slaughtered by the Romans in the battle led by the Queen Boadicca. Her tribe, the Iceni, were nearly wiped out in the massacre, leaving her to raise her younger brother. Her hatred and fear of the Romans grows with each passing month as they desecrate what little her tribe has left.
Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the grasp of his older brother, but his brother has sway among the military’s leadership. To force him as far away as possible, Felix finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia. Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman as she stands beside a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan.
Despite the odds, Felix and Devona fall in love and face off against a rival suitor for Devona, overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and more importantly, Felix’s brother forcing them apart because their union would humiliate the family. An Iceni barbarian cannot marry a Roman noble. But they will fight, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where love has almost no value.
First 250 Words:
Devona
The carnage left a metallic stench in the air. Blood covered everything, and yet, the Roman soldiers still advanced, crushing men, women, and children alike between their wall of shields and the unbroken row of carts and horses.
Grabbing my brother, I dragged him backward, out of the way of the onslaught. In the distance Boudica’s cries echoed over the wails of our dying people. Clearing the carts, I swung around. Mother’s face appeared in the commotion, her bronze hair streaked with dark liquid. Our eyes met and she nodded. She wanted me to flee, and to keep my younger brother safe. There was no doubt in my mind she knew she would die along with most of our people. The Iceni faced near extinction.
With a tug of his hand, I ran my brother from the battlefield. Reaching the edge of the field, I coaxed him up a tree, following right behind him. Climbing as high as we could, we hid. I covered his ears to block out as much of the horrors as possible, but I did not have such a luxury.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as the final stages of battle passed, each one drawing out fewer and fewer final cries of death. Finally, the battlefield fell quiet. Looking out, I watched as the Romans, each covered in blood, streaks soiling the polish on their armor and shields, effortlessly parted the remaining carts and pushed through.
“You killed them all!” The woman’s cry echoed from among the dead.
And now my critique. Yes, I am doing it right now, if you don’t want to read my thoughts, stop here.
First, a disclaimer…
Hi, my name is Kathy. I am not a writing god or expert. I will tell you what works for me and what doesn’t. I will put in honest reactions. Please take the comments that make sense to YOU for YOUR ms. Please disregard any comments that aren’t relevant. I will ask a butt ton (seriously I don’t know exactly how much a butt ton is, but it’s a lot) of questions to spark your creative brain. Any questions that I ask that give you an AH-HA moment run with all those ideas! The questions that don’t send lightning to your mind…ignore. Please listen to all the other wonderfully talented people who will stop by.
Thank you for sharing your words. Your words are important. You are awesome!
Query;
Devona watched her parents be slaughtered by the Romans in the battle led by the Queen Boadicca. Her tribe, the Iceni, were nearly wiped out in the massacre, leaving her to raise her younger brother. (These first two sentences could be combined. The opening “Devona watched…” could be stronger. The Romans slaughtered ? year old Devona’s parents in the massacre that nearly wiped out her tribe, the Iceni. She must find a way to keep her little brother safe…) Her hatred and fear of the Romans grows with each passing month as they desecrate what little her tribe has left. (And what does she wish for? What drives her…a promise to care for her brother?…a desire to live? Where does she go, does she run? Not sure we need to know Queen Boadicca’s name in the query, unless she is key to the plot.)
Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the grasp of his older brother, but his brother has sway among the military’s leadership. To force him as far away as possible, Felix finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia. (Felix joins the legion to escape his brother, but the brother is a leader in the legion? Wouldn’t that put him with his brother? Or his brother is a Roman leader, who can dictate what happens in the military? Why is he escaping his brother? His brother gets him assigned far away…why? And what does Felix want? I want to know less of the brother and more about Felix.)
After these, I expect a dual POV ms. Each story is set up…now move into where they link.
Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman as she stands beside a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan. (On arriving, Felix is intrigued by a young woman standing beside a funeral pyre. Then I want a sentence about Devona…how she sees Felix… how they learn who each other are…)
Despite the odds, Felix and Devona fall in love and face off against a rival suitor for Devona, overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and more importantly, Felix’s brother (the brother is a key person…I’d like to know his name) forcing them apart because their union would humiliate the family. An Iceni barbarian cannot marry a Roman noble. But they will fight, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where love has almost no value. (I don’t think the “despite the odds” is needed. I’d make this “fall in love” bit stronger…make us believe that they want to be together no matter what. A rival suitor threatens to what? Will this guy take her, does she like him at all? And the sentence “An Iceni cannot marry a Roman noble” seems redundant…OH FELIX IS A NOBLE…I’d like to know that earlier. I kinda love the last line…yeah. The stakes here…If they win and get married what might happen? Or if they are parted…what would that do to them?)
First 250 Words:
Devona
The carnage left a metallic stench in the air. Blood covered everything, and yet, the Roman soldiers still advanced, crushing men, women, and children alike between their wall of shields and the unbroken row of carts and horses. (good visuals, maybe a bit of emotion from the mc in here to set us in her head right away? How does she react to the stench, to the sight of blood and her people being killed? Is it day or night? Cold or warm?)
Grabbing my brother, I dragged him backward, out of the way of the onslaught. (how old is the brother? How is he reacting? Is she dragging a kicking and screaming four year old or a stunned eight year old?) In the distance Boudica’s (who?) cries echoed over the wails of our dying people (Might name the tribe here). Clearing the carts (what carts? Are there horses too?), I swung around. Mother’s face appeared in the commotion, her bronze hair streaked with dark liquid. Our eyes met and she nodded. She wanted me to flee, and to keep my younger brother safe. There was no doubt in my mind she knew she would die along with most of our people. The Iceni faced near extinction. (Why? A bit of her thoughts on why they were being killed. And it can be small, like for being in the wrong place.)
With a tug of his hand, I ran my brother from the battlefield. Reaching the edge of the field, I coaxed him up a tree, following right behind him. Climbing as high as we could, we hid. I covered his ears to block out as much of the horrors as possible, but I did not have such a luxury.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as the final stages of battle passed, each one drawing out fewer and fewer final cries of death. (Is she watching? Or just listening? What does she see? What is she feeling?) Finally, the battlefield fell quiet. Looking out, I watched as the Romans, each covered in blood, streaks soiling the polish on their armor and shields, effortlessly parted the remaining carts and pushed through. (Don’t need “I watched” we know it’s what she sees.)
“You killed them all!” The woman’s cry echoed from among the dead. (And I’m dying to see the lone woman standing in the bloody fields…)
I like this beginning! The writing is solid. I want to know why they are being killed. Who are the Iceni? What is Devona going to do and how will she deal with how life has changed? I want to know what she wants? She promised her mother to save her brother, so she’s doing that…now she’s driven by that promise?
For the author of this entry…Feel free to comment on what I have said and you can certainly post revisions!
Again, THANK YOU for participating. Sharing your words and opening up for critique is difficult. We all are here to help you make your ms as shiny as possible. Good luck with all the writing!
Query;
You’ve got the framework of the query set and lots of good details included. I added a few thoughts/questions as I read and hope they help. Just some clarification is needed. Great start.
Devona watched her parents be slaughtered by the Romans in the battle led by the Queen Boadicca. Her tribe, the Iceni, were nearly wiped out in the massacre, leaving her to raise her younger brother. When Queen Boadicca led the Romans to battle DAvona’s tribe, the Iceni, Her parents were slaughtered and THe Iceni tribe nearly wiped out. She was left to raise her younger brother. I think the intro can be tightened) Her hatred and fear of the Romans grows with each passing month as they desecrate (and pillage? How are they desecrating it?) what little her tribe has left.
Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the grasp of his older brother, but his brother’s spite and ?sway among the military’s leadership is far reaching. Felix now finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia (in the midst of war or following a war?). Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman standing beside a funeral pyre. (A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan. How does he know this?)
An Iceni barbarian shouldn’t want the company of a Roman and a Roman noble would never consider an Iceni barbarian for a mate, but how do they come together? Use that as a stepping stone (because this sounds like a great set up ) to add detail like; moved by her strength, Felix searches her out and finds what should be the object of his contempt to be the things he wants most. Or thrown together after the battle? Despite the odds, Felix and Devona fall in love and face off against a rival suitor for Devona, overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and more importantly, Felix’s brother forcing them apart because their union would humiliate the family. An Iceni barbarian cannot marry a Roman noble. But they will fight, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where love has almost no value. What will happen?. Rival suitors and societal norms/laws threaten the legitimacy and existence of their love? What will their marriage threaten? )
First 250 Words:
Devona
The carnage left a metallic stench in the air as blood covered everything. (ooooh – love this detail) And yet, the Roman soldiers still advanced, crushing men, women, and children alike between their wall of shields and the unbroken row of carts and horses.
Grabbing my brother, I dragged him backward, out of the way of the onslaught. In the distance Boudica’s (Is this the same name in the query?) cries echoed over the wails of our dying people. Emotional impact/reaction?) Clearing the carts, I swung around (tinker here? As in turned around?). Mother appeared in the commotion, her bronze hair streaked with dark liquid. (are they far apart, separated by dead bodies or is she close enough to touch. Our eyes met and she nodded. She wanted me to flee, and to keep my younger brother safe. There was no doubt in my mind she knew she would die along with most of our people. (no time for sorrow?) The Iceni faced near extinction. (good line)
With a tug of his hand, I ran(pulled?) my brother from the battlefield. (or did he pull her?) Reaching the edge of the field, I coaxed him up a tree, following right behind him. (Was it the time of year that leaves were lush?)Climbing as high as we could, we hid. I covered his ears to block out as much of the horrors as possible. I did not have such a luxury.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as the final stages of battle passed, each one drawing out fewer final cries of death. Finally all? fell quiet. Looking out, I watched as the Romans, each covered in blood, streaks soiling the polish on their armor and shields, effortlessly parted the remaining carts and pushed through. (You’ve mentioned the blood earlier –another detail to include?)
“You killed them all!” The woman’s cry echoed from among the dead. (wow- powerful close)
Enjoyed reading your intro and thought the tension here was strong. I added a few thoughts and questions but those are just tinkers and spots for a detail. Great start!!
All my thoughts/suggestions/opinions are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your work!
I know that adding emotion is a weakness of mine. I will adjust and update tonight after work. Thank you!
I’m reading over your updated query and saw your note about naming Boudicca. Just wanted to say I raised that question in the first 250 because the spelling was slightly different in the original and that threw me. 🙂
Ok so here is the query. My only concern now is that it might be too long. Your thoughts?
Query:
Romans slaughtered Devona’s parents in the in the final battle of Queen Boudicca that nearly wiped out her Britannic tribe, the Iceni. Devona’s hatred and fear of the Romans grows with each passing month as they hunt and destroy what little her tribe has left. But despite the fear surrounding her, she is driven to keep her last promise to her mother; to raise her four year-old-brother.
***Naming Boudicca dates the time period. That’s the only reason I name her 🙂 ***
Right before his father’s death, Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the patriarchal dominion of his older brother. But since Felix’s family is of wealth and ranked citizens, his brother has sway among the military’s leadership. To force Felix as far away as possible, Felix finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia. Not that Felix is complaining. The post has ridden him of an unwanted arranged marriage and his brother’s tight grasp. Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman as she stands beside a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan almost six years earlier.
But with the elderly woman who shielded Devona and her brother now dead, Devona is exposed to the lustful ways of the Roman soldiers. When she is abducted, Felix saves her and, despite how much she cannot trust him, they make an arrangement; to keep her safe, he will claim her and her brother as his property in exchange for warm clothes and homemade meals.
As Devona manages to see beyond her prejudice, she and Felix fall in love. But their love is challenged by a rival suitor for Devona who wants to use her to start his own rebellion, overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and most of all, keeping their relationship from Felix’s brother who would force them apart to avoid bringing about humiliation on the family. But they will fight and go to the furthest reaches of the mighty Roman Empire for one another, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where love has almost no value.
It’s a lot clearer! But yes, a bit long…I’m going to go through and suggest where to change things…maybe it will give you an idea. I think you have everything in here, so it’s just a matter of cutting out the extra.
Romans slaughtered (age?) Devona’s parents in the in the final battle of Queen Boudicca that nearly wiped out her Britannic tribe, the Iceni. Devona’s hatred and fear of the Romans grows with each passing month as they hunt and destroy what little her tribe has left. But despite the fear surrounding her, she is driven to keep her last promise to her mother; to raise her four year-old-brother. (nice opener!)
***Naming Boudicca dates the time period. That’s the only reason I name her 🙂 *** (Okie dokie!)
Right before his father’s death, Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the patriarchal dominion of his older brother. But since Felix’s family is of wealth and ranked citizens, his brother has sway among the military’s leadership. To force Felix as far away as possible, Felix finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia. Not that Felix is complaining. The post has ridden him of an unwanted arranged marriage and his brother’s tight grasp. Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman as she stands beside a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan almost six years earlier.
My suggestions for para 2…From a family of rank and wealth, (age?) Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the patriarchal dominion of his older brother. His brother has sway among the military’s leadership and assigns Felix to the far barbarian lands of Britannia. Freed from an unwanted marriage and his brother’s grasp, Felix doesn’t mind. Once he arrives, he is intrigued by a young woman as she stands by a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans. (See what you think…and do what feels right to you!)
But with the elderly woman (who is this? Someone she found after they ran from the village?) who shielded Devona and her brother now dead, Devona is exposed to the lustful ways of the Roman soldiers. When she is abducted (by whom?), Felix saves her and, despite how much she cannot trust him, they make an arrangement; to keep her safe, he will claim her and her brother as his property in exchange for warm clothes and homemade meals. (Good info here!)
As Devona manages to see beyond her prejudice, she and Felix fall in love. But their love is challenged by a rival suitor for Devona (who wants to use her to start his own rebellion)<don't know if we need to know this, overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and most of all, keeping their relationship from Felix’s brother who would force them apart to avoid bringing about humiliation on the family. (But)<not needed …they will fight and (go to the furthest reaches of the mighty Roman Empire)<not needed, a bit cliche…… for one another, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where love has almost no value.
I hope that helps a bit. What you need is there!
And here are my revised words:
First 250 Words:
Devona
The carnage left a metallic stench in the air as blood covered everything. And yet, the Roman soldiers still advanced, crushing men, women, and children alike between their wall of shields and the unbroken row of carts and horses.
Grabbing my frightened younger brother, I dragged his tiny limp body backward, out of the way of the onslaught. In the distance, Queen Boudicca’s cries echoed over the wails of our dying people, the great and noble Iceni.
With my heart pounding in my ears, I cleared the carts. Swung around to find my parents,Mother appeared in the commotion, her bronze hair streaked with dark liquid. Our eyes met across the barrier of carts and horses and she nodded. She wanted me to flee, and to keep my younger brother safe. There was no doubt in my mind she knew she would die along with most of our people. After our glorious revolt, the Iceni faced near extinction.
With a tug of his hand, I pulled my brother from the battlefield. Reaching the edge of the field, I coaxed him up a tree, following right behind him. Climbing as high as we could, we hid among the leaves and branches. I covered his ears to block out as much of the horrors as possible. I did not have such a luxury, I witnessed all of it.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as the final stages of battle passed, each one drawing out fewer final cries of death. Finally, the field fell quiet. Tucking my brother and I firmly in the branches of the tree to keep from being found, I watched as the Romans, each covered in crimson, streaks soiling the polish on their armor and shields, effortlessly parted the remaining carts and pushed through.
“You killed them all!” The woman’s cry echoed from among the dead.
First 250 Words:
I don’t have much to say. What you have is good! I would love a bit of description of the brother…When they’re fleeing that’s the last moment she would take the time to look at him, but maybe in the tree…maybe we can see his eyes then, see the tears on his grimy cheeks. Have Devona remember the promise she made to her mother. That’s all up to you and, of course, that could all happen in the next para that I can’t see. Lol!
Hi there,
Here are my comments, you may use them as you wish. : ) I love the Boudica stories, so I’d totally be into this book.
“Devona watched her parents be slaughtered by the Romans in the battle led by the Queen Boadicca. (Boudica was Iceni, but this makes it sound like she’s leading the Romans.) Her tribe, the Iceni, were nearly wiped out in the massacre, leaving her to raise her younger brother. (Where do they go?) Her hatred and fear of the Romans grows with each passing month as they desecrate what little her tribe has left.” (I’d love to have a sense of the time and place. Just a few descriptive words about the boggy marshes or something.)
“Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the grasp of his older brother, but his brother has sway among the military’s leadership. To force him as far away as possible, (Confusing. It sounds like felix is trying to force his brother away by going to Britannia) Felix finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia. Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman as she stands beside a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan.”
“Despite the odds (Cliche alert), Felix and Devona fall in love and face off against a rival suitor for Devona, overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and more importantly, Felix’s brother forcing them apart because their union would humiliate the family. (This sentence has a LOT going on in it.) An Iceni barbarian cannot marry a Roman noble. But they will fight, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where love has almost no value.
(I know that this was a really brutal time in history, and I’d love to get a sense of that here. What makes this story special? What makes it different from other loves? You kind of hint at that with the last sentence, and I’d love to see a bit more.)
*I think you’ve spelled Boudica two different ways…once in the query and differently in the 250. There are several acceptable spellings but they should be consistent.
First 250:
The carnage left a metallic stench in the air. Blood covered everything, and yet, the Roman soldiers still advanced, crushing men, women, and children alike between their wall of shields and the unbroken row of carts and horses. (So far so good.)
Grabbing my brother, I dragged him backward, out of the way of the onslaught. (How old is Brother? Does he have a name?) In the distance Boudica’s cries echoed over the wails of our dying people. Clearing the carts, I swung around. Mother’s face appeared in the commotion, her bronze hair streaked with dark liquid. Our eyes met and she nodded. She wanted me to flee, and to keep my younger brother safe. There was no doubt in my mind she knew she would die along with most of our people. The Iceni faced near extinction. (How did she know they “faced near extinction” at this moment?)
With a tug of his hand, (Tug is too gentle. If that’s my brother, I’m likely going to dislocate a shoulder getting him out of there.) I ran my brother from the battlefield. Reaching the edge of the field, I coaxed him up a tree, following right behind him. Climbing as high as we could, we hid. I covered his ears to block out as much of the horrors as possible, but I did not have such a luxury.
(I know you want to convey the frenzy of the battle field, but I want to slow down and take in the scene for a minute. I want more description of the people, what things look like, what’s the weather, etc.)
Tears rolled down my cheeks as the final stages of battle passed, each one drawing out fewer and fewer final cries of death. (This is showing, not telling. What is she thinking/seeing/feeling/etc. that provokes tears?) Finally, the battlefield fell quiet. Looking out, I watched as the Romans, each covered in blood, streaks soiling the polish on their armor and shields, effortlessly parted the remaining carts and pushed through.
“You killed them all!” The woman’s cry echoed from among the dead. ( This brought me up short… I know you had to cut it off at 250, but I thought, “Is she a ghost?” Since she’s among the dead.)
Good luck!!
(** Warning – based on your comment about length – I banished a few words 🙂
Romans slaughtered Devona’s parents (in the) final battle of Queen Boudicca that nearly wiped out her Britannic tribe, the Iceni. Devona’s hatred and fear of the Romans grows (with each passing month – needed?) as they hunt and destroy what little her tribe has left. But despite the surrounding fear, she is driven to keep her last promise to her mother; to raise her four year-old-brother.
***Naming Boudicca dates the time period. That’s the only reason I name her 🙂 ***
Right before his father’s death, Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the patriarchal dominion of his older brother. But the wealth and rank of Felix’s family grants his brother sway among the military’s leadership. To force Felix as far away as possible, he finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia. Not that Felix is complaining. The post has ridden him of an unwanted arranged marriage and his brother’s tight grasp.(Like this detail) Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman as she stands beside a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan almost six years earlier.
(But with the elderly woman who shielded Devona and her brother now dead, Devona is exposed to the lustful ways of the Roman soldiers.** just a thought – but what if you just say abducted by Roman soldiers and not mention the part about the old woman ** again, just a thought) When she is abducted, Felix saves her and, despite her lack of trust in him, they make an arrangement; to keep her safe, he will claim her and her brother as his property in exchange for warm clothes and homemade meals.
As Devona (manages to- needed?) sees beyond her prejudice, she and Felix fall in love. ((But their love is challenged by a rival suitor for Devona who wants to use her to start his own rebellion, overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and most of all, keeping their relationship from Felix’s brother who would force them apart to avoid bringing about humiliation on the family.** tinker here to tighten)) But they will fight and go to the furthest reaches of the mighty Roman Empire for one another, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where (love has almost no – little else holds?) value.
I like the changes you’ve made and think Kathy has offered some great feedback on ways to tighten further 🙂 (All my thoughts/suggestions are humbly offered. Sometimes help is helpful and some times not 🙂 (I do love the premise of the story and I like that he rescues her and their agreement. Love the sense of intimacy that will create.) Best of luck!
As promised, I’m hitting up the historical entries! My thoughts. I am no agent, but I have seen my fair share of queries while reading subs for one of my publishers and while querying my own works. So, I hope this is of some benefit to you.
Query:
Romans slaughtered Devona’s parents in the in the—repeat of “in the” typo,probably!— final battle of Queen Boudicca—-Nice! I love Boudicca. I’m excited by this!— that nearly wiped out her Britannic tribe, the Iceni. Devona’s hatred and fear of the Romans grows with each passing month—-You mentioned wanting to shrink the query, so seek out unnecessary words like “with each passing month” and cut them.— as they hunt and destroy what little her tribe has left. But despite the fear surrounding her, she is driven to keep her last promise to her mother; to raise her four year-old-brother.
***Naming Boudicca dates the time period. That’s the only reason I name her 🙂 ***
—This is perfect. With historical, there needs to be some form of “period setting” established to place the cultural norms and so forth of the time. This means I’m looking at the pinnacle of Rome’s Empire, bronze age England, and a brutally efficient military.—
Right before his father’s death, Felix joined the Roman legions to escape the patriarchal dominion of his older brother. But since Felix’s family is of wealth and ranked citizens, —-ranked citizens usually did have wealth, so this is a place you can reduce the words—his brother has sway among the military’s leadership. To force Felix as far away as possible, Felix finds himself assigned to the barbarian lands of Britannia. —-Let’s try rewording this to compact the sentences. Maybe something like”To force Felix to *usurp his rank, land, status,etc* Felix’s brother arranges for him to take an assignment on the fringes of the empire; Britannia.”— Not that Felix is complaining. The post has ridden him of an unwanted arranged marriage and his brother’s tight grasp. Once he arrives, he finds himself intrigued by a young woman—let’s do “a young native woman intrigues him— as she stands beside a funeral pyre. A girl who hates Romans for what they did to her clan almost six years earlier.
But with the elderly woman who shielded Devona and her brother now dead, Devona is exposed to the lustful ways of the Roman soldiers. —-Since there is no mention of the elderly woman before, chop these two sentences and focus on the deal between Felix and Devona.— When she is abducted, Felix saves her and, despite how much she cannot trust him, they make an arrangement; to keep her safe, he will claim her and her brother as his property in exchange for warm clothes and homemade meals.
As Devona manages to see beyond***sees beyond— her prejudice, she and Felix fall in love. But their love is challenged by a rival suitor for Devona who wants to use her to start his own rebellion,—ahh, the Iceni fire lol!— overcoming the laws that will not acknowledge Devona as Felix’s wife, and most of all, keeping their relationship from Felix’s brother who would force them apart to avoid bringing about humiliation on the family. But they will fight and go to the furthest reaches of the mighty Roman Empire for one another—simplify by saying “to be together”—, because they refuse to believe their love will break in a time where love has almost no value.
It really didn’t, especially among those high Roman families! Awesome start! I haven’t seen much to do with post-Boudicca, or even Boudicca at all, so I would love to see this touched up to find a home.
Goo luck!
This has my vote!