Son of a Pitch, round 2, begins! Welcome to Team Dark Side.
Eleven posts, for eleven entries. Four other blogs are hosting more! The comment section is for Son of a Pitch authors to leave their thoughts. So please do not comment unless you are a Son of a Pitch author. Thank you!
Onto entry 7!
Title: The Insurrection
Category and Genre: Adult Thriller
Word Count: 105,000
Query:
Lilah and Harry are looking forward to college in a few months, but abduction by mercenaries and a harrowing escape across North Africa change their plans.
Ten years later, using smooth charm and cold calculation, Harry builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered the kidnapping. Helping Harry is Temple, the man who rescued them. Three powerful families, all with agendas of their own, join the alliance. Lilah will be the puppet leader through whom they control the world’s energy supply.
But, Lilah is no one’s puppet. As oil cartel boss, she knows how to wield power and make enemies toe the line. She will annihilate Temple, now the president of United States, to maintain control of her business empire and save Harry’s life.
First 250 words:
January 1974
Egypt-Libya border
The blades of the search-and-rescue helicopter cut through humid, salty air one thousand feet above the Mediterranean. The steep escarpment came into Temple’s view, sparse vegetation between ridges. His headset sputtered over the roar of the engines.
“Senator,” said the pilot, “I think that’s Lilah.”
Gripping the door-frame, Temple leaned into the wind and surveyed the scene below. Vehicles bound for Alexandria were stalled on the hilly pass by Gaddafi’s border patrol. The soldiers had separated the men from the women, holding them at gunpoint away from the caravan. Temple strained to spot the girl. “Where?” he shouted into the mouthpiece, blinking away the gritty sand in his eyes.
“Not with the crowd, sir. Check the port side,” the pilot said. “She’s wearing something yellow.”
There. Temple saw her. A figure running between boulders, her robes fluttering behind. Lilah was at least a couple of hundred feet from the group under inspection, concealing herself behind the limestone formations. She looked up at the chopper for a second before plastering herself to the side of a rock. After weeks of reconnaissance, they’d finally located one of the abducted teenagers. “She’s hiding from the border patrol,” Temple muttered. “What about the boy? There were two kids.”
“Probably with the caravan. Let me—” The pilot stopped, cursing. “We have a problem, Senator. Look.”
One of the soldiers had detached himself from his team and was following Lilah. If she got caught, there was little a single search-and-rescue chopper could do to help.
And now my critique. Yes, I am doing it right now, if you don’t want to read my thoughts, stop here.
First, a disclaimer…
Hi, my name is Kathy. I am not a writing god or expert. I will tell you what works for me and what doesn’t. I will put in honest reactions. Please take the comments that make sense to YOU for YOUR ms. Please disregard any comments that aren’t relevant. I will ask a butt-ton (seriously, I don’t know exactly how much a butt-ton is, but it’s a lot) of questions to spark your creative brain. Any questions that I ask that give you an AH-HA moment run with all those ideas! The questions that don’t send lightning to your mind…ignore. Please listen to all the other wonderfully talented people who will stop by.
Thank you for sharing your words. Your words are important. You are awesome!
Query:
Lilah and Harry are looking forward to college in a few months, but abduction by mercenaries and a harrowing escape across North Africa change their plans. (Does the ms start here? Or in ten years? If the story starts in ten years, this opening is backstory. You can weave it into the query, as motivation. Start us off with the story we will be reading.)
Ten years later, using smooth charm and cold calculation, (how about working in the first para here? Ten years after being abducted and escaping across North Africa,) Harry builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered the kidnapping (How did he learn who it was?). Helping Harry is Temple, the man who rescued them (And Temple is also a friend? A business man…why is this guy helping?). Three powerful families (Three families? Other than Harry and Temple?), all with agendas of their own (agendas for…revenge? And against whom?), join the alliance (What alliance?). Lilah will be the puppet leader through whom they control the world’s energy supply. (Throwing Lilah in here, threw me off. Is this a dual POV ms? If so, intro Lilah separately, give us who she is and what she wants, then link the two together?)
But, Lilah is no one’s puppet. As oil cartel boss, she knows how to wield power and make enemies toe the line. She will annihilate Temple, now the president of United States (whoa, when did that happen? What was he before?), to maintain control of her business empire and save Harry’s life.
Harry wants revenge for having been kidnapped. What does he have to do to get it? What is in his way?
Lilah just wants to keep her business?
Why is Harry’s life in danger? From whom?
Are Harry and Lilah still friends? Are they working together?
What is the final decision each has to make? What are the possible consequences of their choices? Do they find the man who kidnapped them? Why did he kidnap them? Is Lilah after revenge too? And what about Temple? His POV begins it…what does he want?
First 250 words:
January 1974
Egypt-Libya border
The blades of the search-and-rescue helicopter cut through humid, salty air one thousand feet above the Mediterranean. The steep escarpment came into Temple’s view, sparse vegetation between ridges. His headset sputtered over the roar of the engines.
“Senator,” said the pilot, “I think that’s Lilah.”
Gripping the door-frame, Temple leaned into the wind and surveyed the scene below. Vehicles bound for Alexandria were stalled on the hilly pass by Gaddafi’s border patrol. The soldiers had separated the men from the women, holding them at gunpoint away from the caravan. Temple strained to spot the girl. “Where?” he shouted into the mouthpiece, blinking away the gritty sand in his eyes.
“Not with the crowd, sir. Check the port side,” the pilot said. “She’s wearing something yellow.”
There. Temple saw her. A figure running between boulders, her robes fluttering behind. Lilah was at least a couple of hundred feet from the group under inspection, concealing herself behind the limestone formations. She looked up at the chopper for a second before plastering herself to the side of a rock. After weeks of reconnaissance, they’d finally located one of the abducted teenagers. (Is Lilah one of the abducted teens? Or is she on the ground helping?) “She’s hiding from the border patrol,” Temple muttered. “What about the boy? There were two kids.”
“Probably with the caravan. Let me—” The pilot stopped, cursing. “We have a problem, Senator. Look.”
One of the soldiers had detached himself from his team and was following Lilah. If she got caught, there was little a single search-and-rescue chopper could do to help. (NOOOOO! RUN LILAH!)
Good start! I think I need to know a bit sooner that they are looking to two teens who had been abducted…that Lilah is one of them. For some reason I read it as she was part of their team and doing something for them on the ground. Right after “I think that’s Lilah”…give me who she is and that they are looking for her…and for how long maybe.
I love the descriptions. The sights and sounds really make it come to life.
For the author of this entry…Feel free to comment on what I have said and you can certainly post revisions!
Again, THANK YOU for participating. Sharing your words and opening up for critique is difficult. We all are here to help you make your ms as shiny as possible. Good luck with all the writing!
Kathleen Palm 
Thanks, Kathy.
The query is my problem. I don’t know how to write a good one, obviously.
The MS starts when they are 16. The abduction is the inciting incident.
Glad you liked the 250 words. Will try to make it clear Lila is the teen they’re trying to rescue.
Query:
The query packs a lot of punch but has a few areas that need to be ironed out just a bit. I added thoughts and questions as I read where I needed more or needed clarification. Strong start. Best of luck
An abduction by mercenaries and a harrowing escape across North Africa changes Lilah and Harry’s upcoming college plans..
Ten years later, Harry still carries a grudge? Need a reason? using smooth charm and cold calculation, Harry builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered the kidnapping. (Why would the old oil cartel order the kidnapping of college students – is there a connection we should know?) Helping Harry is Temple, the man who rescued them (but does he have his own agenda?). Three powerful families, all with agendas of their own (who are they? Harry, Lilah and Temple?), join the alliance. Lilah will be the figurehead? through whom they control the world’s energy supply.
But, Lilah is no one’s puppet. (This is a strong statement) As oil cartel boss, she knows how to wield power and make enemies toe the line. She will annihilate Temple (why? What about the other family?), now the president of United States, to maintain control of her business empire and save Harry’s life. (how is Harry’s life in trouble?)
First 250:
Great start – details are strong, action unfolds in a logical way and the story pulled me in. Great job!! Only suggestions: “Lilah was (at least – needed?) a couple of hundred feet from the group under inspection, concealing herself behind the limestone formations.” And “She looked up at the chopper (for a second – needed?) before plastering herself to the side of a rock.”
All my thoughts/suggestions/options are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your work.
Thank you so much. I posted an updated version in case you have time to check again
Updated version –
Title: The Insurrection
Category and Genre: Adult Thriller
Word Count: 105,000
Query:
Hello
Before starting her freshman year at MIT, Lilah travels to Tripoli to spend Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, and his family. When an oil driller orders Harry’s abduction to force his family into signing over their wells, Lilah is also caught in the trap. Their harrowing escape across North Africa changes her plans.
When Senator Temple agrees to help rescue the abducted teenagers, he hadn’t expected to run into the heiress in a position to save his family’s floundering business. He comes to see her as a daughter, and eventually, he will need her to marry his nephew to merge the companies.
Ten years later, Harry is aware of Lilah’s growing feelings for him, but he has other priorities. Using smooth charm and cold calculation, he builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered their kidnapping. Helping Harry is Senator Temple. The three families, all with agendas of their own, join the syndicate. Lilah will be the puppet leader through whom they control the world’s energy supply.
But, Lilah is no one’s puppet. With or without Harry at her side, she knows how to use her position as oil-cartel boss. She will make enemies toe the line. When Lilah refuses to yield to the families’ dictates, Harry’s life is threatened. The man wielding the weapon is none other than Temple, now the president of United States.
If Lilah exposes the president, the cartel will dissolve, leaving the world and its oil supply at the mercy of the criminals who kidnapped her and Harry as teenagers. If she doesn’t, Harry will die.
First 250 words:
January 1974
Egypt-Libya border
The blades of the search-and-rescue helicopter cut through salty air one thousand feet above the Mediterranean. The steep escarpment came into Temple’s view, sparse vegetation between ridges. His headset sputtered over the roar of the engines.
“Senator,” said the pilot, “I think that’s Lilah.”
Fingers clenched around the doorframe, Temple leaned into the wind and surveyed the scene below. Vehicles bound for Alexandria were stalled on the hilly pass by Gaddafi’s border patrol. The soldiers had separated the men from the women, holding them at gunpoint away from the caravan. Temple strained to spot the girl. “Where?” he shouted into the mouthpiece, blinking away gritty sand.
“Not with the crowd, sir. Check the port side,” the pilot said. “Look for yellow clothes.”
There. A figure running between boulders, her robes fluttering behind. Lilah was a couple of hundred feet from the group under inspection, concealing herself behind the limestone formations. She looked up at the chopper before plastering herself to the side of a rock. After weeks of reconnaissance, they’d located one of the abducted teenagers, the daughter of the late ambassador. “She’s hiding from the border patrol,” Temple muttered. “What about the boy? There were two kids.”
“Probably with the caravan. Let me—” The pilot stopped to curse. “We have a problem, Senator.”
One of the soldiers had detached himself from his team to follow Lilah. If she got caught, there was little a single search-and-rescue chopper could do to help.
Okay! Wow. That query was so much clearer! And the stakes… gee whiz! Whew. Very impactful. The one thing that confused me was the line about Temple running into an heiress that could help him…then he sees her as a daughter…a girl to marry his nephew… Who is that? What does she have to do with the story?
And I am still very worried for Lilah at the end of the 250!
Lilah is the heiress. I should make it clear.
UPDATE 2 –
Title: The Insurrection
Category and Genre: Adult Thriller
Word Count: 105,000
Query:
Hello
Before starting her freshman year at MIT, Lilah travels to Tripoli to spend Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, and his family. When an oil driller orders Harry’s abduction to force his family into signing over their wells, Lilah is also caught in the trap. Their harrowing escape across North Africa changes her plans.
When Senator Temple agrees to help rescue the abducted teenagers, he hadn’t expected Lilah to be an heiress in a position to save his family’s floundering business. Eventually, he will need her to marry his nephew to merge the companies. Unfortunately for Temple, Lilah has made her choice, already.
Ten years later, Harry is aware of Lilah’s feelings for him, but he has other priorities. Using smooth charm and cold calculation, he builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered their kidnapping. He needs Senator Temple’s help, and to further his schemes, Harry manipulates Lilah into marrying Temple’s nephew.
The three families, all with agendas of their own, join the syndicate. Lilah will be the puppet leader through whom they control the world’s energy supply. But, Lilah is no one’s puppet, not even Harry’s. She knows how to use her position as oil-cartel boss and make enemies toe the line. When Lilah refuses to yield to the families’ dictates, Harry’s life is threatened. The man wielding the weapon is none other than Temple, now the president of United States.
If Lilah exposes the president, the cartel will dissolve, leaving the world and its oil supply at the mercy of the criminals who kidnapped her and Harry as teenagers. Or, she can have her revenge on Harry and let him die while she rules the cartel he built.
First 250 words:
January 1974
Egypt-Libya border
The blades of the search-and-rescue helicopter cut through salty air one thousand feet above the Mediterranean. The steep escarpment came into Temple’s view, sparse vegetation between ridges. His headset sputtered over the roar of the engines.
“Senator,” said the pilot, “I think that’s Lilah.”
Fingers clenched around the doorframe, Temple leaned into the wind and surveyed the scene below. Vehicles bound for Alexandria were stalled on the hilly pass by Gaddafi’s border patrol. The soldiers had separated the men from the women, holding them at gunpoint away from the caravan. Temple strained to spot the girl. “Where?” he shouted into the mouthpiece, blinking away gritty sand.
“Not with the crowd, sir. Check the port side,” the pilot said. “Look for yellow clothes.”
There. A figure running between boulders, her robes fluttering behind. Lilah was a couple of hundred feet from the group under inspection, concealing herself behind the limestone formations. She looked up at the chopper before plastering herself to the side of a rock. After weeks of reconnaissance, they’d located one of the abducted teenagers, the daughter of the late ambassador. “She’s hiding from the border patrol,” Temple muttered. “What about the boy? There were two kids.”
“Probably with the caravan. Let me—” The pilot stopped to curse. “We have a problem, Senator.”
One of the soldiers had detached himself from his team to follow Lilah. If she got caught, there was little a single search-and-rescue chopper could do to help.
Okay! That is much clearer now! Though it might be getting long. Lol! Look for places to tighten it up, but I really like it!
Sigh. Even with edits, it’s 267 words.
UPDATE 3 –
Title: The Insurrection
Category and Genre: Adult Thriller
Word Count: 105,000
Query:
Hello
At sixteen, Lilah is spending Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, when an oil driller orders Harry’s abduction to force his family into signing over their wells. Caught in the trap with him, their harrowing escape across North Africa scars Lilah.
When Senator Temple agrees to help rescue the abducted teenagers, he hadn’t expected Lilah to be an heiress in a position to save his family’s floundering business. Eventually, he will need her to marry his nephew to merge the companies. Unfortunately for Temple, Lilah has already made her choice.
Ten years later, Harry is aware of Lilah’s feelings for him, but he has other priorities. With smooth charm and cold calculation, he builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered their kidnapping. He needs Senator Temple’s help, and to further his schemes, Harry manipulates Lilah into marrying Temple’s nephew.
The three families join to form the syndicate with Lilah as the figurehead. But, Lilah is no one’s puppet, not even Harry’s. She takes charge of her own business empire. When Lilah refuses to yield to the families’ dictates, Harry’s life is threatened. And, the man wielding the weapon is Temple, now the president of United States.
If Lilah exposes the president, the cartel will dissolve, leaving the world and its oil supply at the mercy of the criminals who kidnapped her and Harry as teenagers. If she doesn’t, Harry will die, leaving her ruling the cartel he built.
First 250 words:
January 1974
Egypt-Libya border
The blades of the search-and-rescue helicopter cut through salty air one thousand feet above the Mediterranean. The steep escarpment came into Temple’s view, sparse vegetation between ridges. His headset sputtered over the roar of the engines.
“Senator,” said the pilot, “I think that’s Lilah.”
Fingers clenched around the doorframe, Temple leaned into the wind and surveyed the scene below. Vehicles bound for Alexandria were stalled on the hilly pass by Gaddafi’s border patrol. The soldiers had separated the men from the women, holding them at gunpoint away from the caravan. Temple strained to spot the girl. “Where?” he shouted into the mouthpiece, blinking away gritty sand.
“Not with the crowd, sir. Check the port side,” the pilot said. “Look for yellow clothes.”
There. A figure running between boulders, her robes fluttering behind. Lilah was a couple of hundred feet from the group under inspection, concealing herself behind the limestone formations. She looked up at the chopper before plastering herself to the side of a rock. After weeks of reconnaissance, they’d located one of the abducted teenagers, the daughter of the late ambassador. “She’s hiding from the border patrol,” Temple muttered. “What about the boy? There were two kids.”
“Probably with the caravan. Let me—” The pilot stopped to curse. “We have a problem, Senator.”
One of the soldiers had detached himself from his team to follow Lilah. If she got caught, there was little a single search-and-rescue chopper could do to help.
At sixteen, Lilah is spending Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, when an oil driller orders Harry’s abduction to force his family into signing over their wells. Caught in the trap with him, their harrowing escape across North Africa scars Lilah.
When Senator Temple agrees to help rescue the abducted teenagers, he hadn’t expected Lilah to be an heiress in a position to save his family’s floundering business. (Eventually, he will need her to marry his nephew to merge the companies. Unfortunately for Temple, Lilah has already made her choice.)<He needs her to marry his nephew to to merge the companies, but Lilah has chosen Harry.
Ten years later, Harry is aware of Lilah’s feelings for him, but (he has other priorities.<Delete?…with smooth charm and cold calculation, he builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered their kidnapping. He needs Senator Temple’s help, and to further his schemes, Harry manipulates Lilah into marrying Temple’s nephew.
The three families (join to)<delete form the syndicate with Lilah as the figurehead. But, Lilah is no one’s puppet, (not even Harry’s)<delete. She takes charge of her own business empire. When Lilah refuses to yield to the families’ dictates, Harry’s life is threatened. And, the man wielding the weapon is Temple, now the president of United States.
If Lilah exposes the president, the cartel will dissolve, leaving the world and its oil supply at the mercy of the criminals who kidnapped her and Harry as teenagers. If she doesn’t, Harry will die, leaving her ruling the cartel he built.
Just suggestions for tweaks. With a bit about the ms (category, genre, word count) at the end…maybe it won't be too long. There's so much in this ms! AH!
UPDATE 4 –
Title: The Insurrection
Category and Genre: Adult Thriller
Word Count: 105,000
Query:
Hello
Sixteen-year-old Lilah is spending Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, when an oil driller orders Harry’s abduction to force his family into signing over their wells. Caught in the trap with him, their harrowing escape across North Africa scars her.
Senator Temple agrees to help rescue the abducted teenagers and figures out that Lilah is the one heiress in a position to save his family’s floundering business. To merge the companies, he will eventually need her to marry his nephew, but she has already chosen someone else.
Ten years later, Harry is aware of Lilah’s feelings for him, but he has other priorities. With smooth charm and cold calculation, he builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered their kidnapping. He needs Senator Temple’s help, and to further his schemes, Harry manipulates Lilah into marrying Temple’s nephew.
The three families form a syndicate with Lilah as the figurehead. But, Lilah is no one’s puppet. She takes charge of her own business empire. When she refuses to yield to the families’ dictates, Harry’s life is threatened. And, the man wielding the weapon is Temple, now the president of United States.
If Lilah exposes the president, the cartel will dissolve, leaving the world and its oil supply at the mercy of the criminals who kidnapped her and Harry as teenagers. If she doesn’t, Harry will die, leaving her ruling the cartel he built.
Complete at 105,000 words, The Insurrection is an adult thriller. The excerpt is pasted below.
First 250 words:
January 1974
Egypt-Libya border
The blades of the search-and-rescue helicopter cut through salty air one thousand feet above the Mediterranean. The steep escarpment came into Temple’s view, sparse vegetation between ridges. His headset sputtered over the roar of the engines.
“Senator,” said the pilot, “I think that’s Lilah.”
Fingers clenched around the doorframe, Temple leaned into the wind and surveyed the scene below. Vehicles bound for Alexandria were stalled on the hilly pass by Gaddafi’s border patrol. The soldiers had separated the men from the women, holding them at gunpoint away from the caravan. Temple strained to spot the girl. “Where?” he shouted into the mouthpiece, blinking away gritty sand.
“Not with the crowd, sir. Check the port side,” the pilot said. “Look for yellow clothes.”
There. A figure running between boulders, her robes fluttering behind. Lilah was a couple of hundred feet from the group under inspection, concealing herself behind the limestone formations. She looked up at the chopper before plastering herself to the side of a rock. After weeks of reconnaissance, they’d located one of the abducted teenagers, the daughter of the late ambassador. “She’s hiding from the border patrol,” Temple muttered. “What about the boy? There were two kids.”
“Probably with the caravan. Let me—” The pilot stopped to curse. “We have a problem, Senator.”
One of the soldiers had detached himself from his team to follow Lilah. If she got caught, there was little a single search-and-rescue chopper could do to help.
This works for me. Good work!
Query: I’m jumping in late this in this game, just looking at your 4th update. You’ve certainly got an exciting plot with lots of twists and complications. The thing I’m missing the query is the Lilah as a character. I see her role in the story, but I don’t see *her*, if that makes sense. I’m interested in her based on what she does, but I would be even more interested if I had a feel for her as a person. I think this is probably best done in the early paragraphs before we get to the figurehead part. Is that a move that is out of character for her? Or is it just that others underestimated her, and such a thing was obviously in her from the start.
250 words: This part works well! You’ve got good visuals going on and I understand the logistics of a relatively complicated setting easily. Good basic characterization is in place immediately and I’m curious about what’s going on and how this girl might be rescued. Good start! -SB
While reading, I had a few thoughts/questions so I added them. Some were for clarity, other for clarity. My musings may help – or not. They are all humbly offered. But kudos to all the added detail and work you’ve put in!
Sixteen-year-old Lilah is spending Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, when an oil driller orders Harry’s abduction to force his family into signing over their wells. Caught in the trap with him, their harrowing escape across North Africa scars her.
(if they’ve already escaped, what do they need the Senator’s help for in the next sentence?? Of it’s to get back to the states, I’d add that. otherwise, what if you remove the snippet about the harrowing escape?)
Senator Temple agrees to help rescue the abducted teenagers and realizes that Lilah is the one heiress in a position to save his family’s floundering business. (does he want a favor in the bank?) If he can get her to marry his nephew, he could merge their companies, But her heart has always been with Harry? (is he the someone else?).
Ten years later, while Harry is aware of Lilah’s feelings for him, he has other priorities. He wants to build a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had ordered their kidnapping and he needs Senator Temple’s help. To further his schemes, Harry manipulates Lilah into marrying Temple’s nephew.
The three families form a syndicate with Lilah as the figurehead. But, Lilah is no one’s puppet, despite her devotion/feelings for Harry. When she refuses to yield to the families’ dictates, Harry’s life is threatened. And, the man wielding the weapon is Temple, now the president of United States.
If Lilah exposes the president, the cartel will dissolve, leaving the world and its oil supply at the mercy of the criminals who kidnapped her and Harry as teenagers. If she doesn’t, Harry will die, (leaving her ruling the cartel he built. – I’d go with option 2 – just kidding. But when I read this and take off the last bit – it sounds so much more tense. )
Complete at 105,000 words, The Insurrection is an adult thriller. The excerpt is pasted below.
What got me on this one was the 250. Great imagery, tension and worldbuilding. I know what’s going on right away with very little backstory and I feel like I’m there. Excellent. THIS HAS MY VOTE.
Don’t worry, I’m still going to critique this. I’ve just been swamped the last couple of days. But it WILL happen!
Here is my query critique finally:
Sixteen-year-old Lilah is spending Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, when an oil driller orders Harry’s abduction to force his family into signing over their wells.
***Ok,long sentence and very passive. Let’s restructure it to active like this: While sixteen year old Lilah spends Thanksgiving with her best friend, Harry, she is caught up and abducted along with him.
I feel like the detail about the oil driller should be left out of your hook sentence, and brought up later. This will shorten the sentence, remove the overload of info, and catch the reader’s interest, making them read on.***
Caught in the trap with him, their harrowing escape across North Africa scars her. ***Since Thanksgiving is a North American holiday, this threw me. Why are they in Africa if they are American? Business I presume,so mention something about being in Africa for the holiday so it’s not so confusing***
Senator Temple agrees to help rescue the abducted teenagers (Period here,start a new sentence. “He soon discovers… and cut “and figures out” that Lilah is the one *cut “one”* heiress **heiress of what and how would it benefit him?*** in a position to save his family’s floundering business. To merge the companies, he will eventually–*cut* need her to marry his nephew, but she has already chosen someone else.
Ten years later, Harry is aware of Lilah’s feelings for him, but he has other priorities. With smooth charm and cold calculation, he builds a new cartel to destroy the oil driller who had *cut “had”* ordered their kidnapping. He needs Senator Temple’s help, and to further his schemes, Harry manipulates Lilah into marrying Temple’s nephew. ***Ouch! Harsh.Poor Lilah.***
The three families form a syndicate with Lilah as the figurehead. But, Lilah is no one’s puppet. She takes charge of her own business empire. When she refuses to yield to the families’ dictates, Harry’s life is threatened. And, the man wielding the weapon is Temple, now the president of United States.
If Lilah exposes the president, the cartel will dissolve, leaving the world and its oil supply at the mercy of the criminals who kidnapped her and Harry as teenagers. If she doesn’t, Harry will die, leaving her ruling the cartel he built.
I LOVE this concept! I want a copy right now. I added some notes above for you to streamline and clarify your query. Take them or leave them, it’s up to you. But I do wish you the best of luck, and please keep me posted on your progress.