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Son of a Pitch round two has begun! This week my blog will be dedicated to the authors of these amazing entries.

Comments are for the Son of a Pitch critiquers and authors only! All other comments will be deleted, them’s the rules peeps.

At the end of the week, I will vote for my favorites…I think five…I should check that.

Onward!

Welcome to Team Rarity!

Entry 7:

Title: WHEN THE PAST KNOCKS
Category and Genre: Adult psychological thriller
Word Count: 83,000
Query:

The night Blake can’t remember is the one he’ll never forget.

Businessman Jeffrey Blake is confident he left his juvenile habits of binge drinking and drugs in the past. And besides juggling a healthy mix between his new GM position and his wife and two daughters, he is successfully hiding a two-decade-old felony. Until his boss is killed

Blake finds evidence in his possession linking him to his boss’ death, but his muddled recollection of the murder night leads him to consider he could be an involuntary accessory in the crime. One memory, however, awakes: he was blindfolded and gagged by a stranger, and his family and friends’ safety threatened should Blake seek any help. In fear for their lives, he only hints at his dilemma to his friends, as he doesn’t trust anyone, dreading the assailant isn’t a stranger—or that the murderer isn’t himself.

When text messages warn him of future killings, Blake condemns himself for his inability to prevent more deaths without ending up in jail. Then, the company VP goes missing. Pressure mounts when Blake’s weak alibi prompts a detective to dig into his past. Tangled in lies, brooding about why he has become a target, Blake seeks solace at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Finally, a clue kick-starts him. If he doesn’t take the reins into his hands, or risk even a wrong move, he’ll never be able to prove his innocence to the police—and to himself.

First 250 Words:

Thursday – Day Two

Sometimes it’s wiser to forget a day than to try remembering it, but being wise was the least of Jeffrey Blake’s worries.

He clenched his fist, fearing the knife at his throat would prick his skin. Or worse—kill him. He wanted to get out, run away, run for his life. He couldn’t move. I don’t want to die.

A blunt voice rattled him, crawled under his skin. “You’re responsible.”

Blake cracked his eyes open.

The season’s first brisk morning breeze streaming through the window raised his hair; something wasn’t right. His head felt as if it had collided with a concrete wall at full throttle, his brain derailed. A memory gushed back: the knife. Instinctively he threw a hand to his neck, stifled a cry as he felt a scab.

Heart in his throat, he tilted his head. She was asleep, purring next to him. Last thing he needed was throwing his wife into the same panic streaming through him. With care he peeled back the blanket, the sunrise throwing enough beam onto the pillow—blood. He flipped the pillow, tiptoed in haste to the spacious granite en-suite bathroom, held his breath as he braced himself to check the mirror, his discovery proving his fear: a cut, not big but big enough to notice.

“What the fuck happened!” His eyes darted from side to side, from ceiling to wall, and stopped—yesterday’s shirt was sticking out of the laundry basket. He yanked it out, examined it.

Now for my thoughts.

But first, a reminder, I am not an expert. I am a writer. My comments are my opinions. If any of these strange wordy things that pop into my brain and onto the page make sense for YOUR ms and makes YOUR writer’s brain spin with all the inspiration, YEA!!! Use them…run with them…let your creative brain go! If reading one of my insanely odd thoughts just makes you shrug and sparks no new idea, forget it! YEA!

I am here to help YOU make YOUR ms the best it can be. I do not want to rewrite it. I do not want it to be something else. Your words should be yours. I WANT TO HAVE A GREAT TIME!

Feel free to ask questions. Feel free to post any rewrites in the comments. I will be happy to answer anything and read revisions! Anything I can do to help get the creative juices flowing.

CRITIQUE:

Query:

The night Blake can’t remember is the one he’ll never forget. (Like this as a hook!)

Businessman Jeffrey Blake is confident he left his juvenile habits of binge drinking and drugs in the past. And besides juggling a healthy mix between his new GM position and his wife and two daughters, he is successfully hiding a two-decade-old felony (What did he do?). Until his boss is killed. (Nice character set up! What does he want? To continue this way?)

Blake finds evidence in his possession (a bit vague…what does he find? How long since the death?) linking him to his boss’ death, but his muddled recollection of the murder night leads him to consider he could be an involuntary accessory in the crime. (Why is his memory muddled? I thought he left the drinking behind?) One memory, however, awakes: he was blindfolded and gagged by a stranger (How does he know it was a stranger? Did he see them?), and his family and friends’ safety threatened should Blake seek any help (help for what?). In fear for their lives, he only hints at his dilemma to his friends, as he doesn’t trust anyone, dreading the assailant isn’t a stranger—or that the murderer isn’t himself.

*This para gets muddy. We should learn what gets in his way of his goal, of living his nice life. Suddenly thinking he killed someone, finding time he can’t remember would do that! Does he wake up confused one morning? Does he remember what happened up until the lost time? Was he drinking? Does he immediately recall his life before? Does finding this “evidence” trigger the memory of the night he can’t remember? When he finds evidence, he struggles to remember what happened. Is it possible he killed his boss? A fuzzy memory surfaces. Being blindfolded. Being gagged. But by whom? The lives of his friends and family are threatened…if he seeks help, but for what? What do these kidnappers want from him? I like the end sentence…that he fears being the murderer.

When text messages warn him of future killings, Blake condemns himself for his inability to prevent more deaths without ending up in jail. (What do they want him to do? What is he not doing to prevent the deaths? They are killing people…why? How does it link to him?) Then, the company VP goes missing. (Is he worried they will blame him?) Pressure mounts when Blake’s weak alibi prompts a detective to dig into his past. (Uh oh.) Tangled in lies, brooding about why he has become a target, Blake seeks solace at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Finally, a clue kick-starts him. (What clue?) If he doesn’t take the reins into his hands, or risk even a wrong move, he’ll never be able to prove his innocence to the police—and to himself. (Stakes…What is the big moment where he faces a choice? If he can’t prove his innocence…what specific thing does he fear? What about his family? Is he losing them?)

*I don’t get why they take him, what they want from him? They threaten his family, but why? What is he supposed to do? What drives him through this? What does he want? What about stakes? Will he lose his life? His family? Will he end up in jail? The secret felony…how does it link to the story?

First 250 Words:

Thursday – Day Two

Sometimes it’s wiser to forget a day than to try remembering it, but being wise was the least of Jeffrey Blake’s worries. (Like this!)

He clenched his fist, fearing the knife at his throat would prick his skin. Or worse—kill him. He wanted to get out, run away, run for his life. He couldn’t move. (Why can’t he move? Any sights, sounds, smells? Can he see? Set the scene.) I don’t want to die. (italicize “I don’t want to die” and put it in its own para…as his thoughts.)

A blunt voice rattled him, crawled under his skin. “You’re responsible.” (Nice! Creepy!)

Blake cracked his eyes open.

The season’s first brisk morning breeze streaming through the window raised his hair; something wasn’t right. (What? Is there a lingering panic? And he opened his eyes, so I expected to see something…but he feels a breeze…what does he see? Sights that don’t match with fuzzy memories? Or does he feel the breeze, a breeze that doesn’t go with what he’s feeling…then opens his eyes) His head felt (stronger word than felt…throbbed?) as if it had collided with a concrete wall at full throttle, his brain derailed. A memory gushed back: the knife. Instinctively he threw a hand to his neck, stifled a cry as he felt a scab. (make this stronger…as his finger bumped over a thin scab.)

Heart in his throat, he tilted his head. She (She who?) was asleep, purring next to him. (A cat?) Last thing he needed was throwing his wife into the same panic streaming through him. (Oh! His wife! Description of her please when he looks at her.) With care he peeled back the blanket, the sunrise throwing enough beam onto the pillow—blood. (Sentence is a little awkward. The sun throwing enough beam to illuminate a spot(a big spot, little line of?)—blood.) He flipped the pillow, tiptoed in haste to the spacious granite en-suite bathroom, (the familiar scent of his wife’s perfume? The towels on the floor in a heap? Give us little details to build character.) held his breath as he braced himself to check the mirror, his discovery proving his fear: a cut, not big but big enough to notice.

“What the fuck happened!” His eyes darted from side to side, from ceiling to wall, and stopped—yesterday’s shirt was sticking out of the laundry basket. He yanked it out, examined it. (AH WHAT?!??!?!!? WHAT IS ON THE SHIRT!?!?! Interesting start! I am already dying to know what happened!)

*We need the query to match this. I’d take out the “Until his boss is killed” in first para. Start second para…when he wakes up with blood on his pillow and a scab on his throat, the fuzzy memory of a knife and a voice might not be a dream…then put in when he learns his boss is dead…now the fear he has that he can’t remember…that what if he did something…what is it he remembers…

I hope some of that, maybe just one little thing, helps!

Thank you so much for being a part of Son of a Pitch!

Thank you for sharing your words!

And may the road of revising and querying and publishing be a great one!

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