Change

Tags

acceptance, change, enjoy life, find a happy place, love is love, need something new, thoughts

I’m not a big supporter of change. It scares me to be honest.

But it happens. All the time.

Most of the moments when life switches directions, it’s out of our control. We hang on for the ride, doing the best we can to make it work, to keep smiling and keep living.

There are other times when we seek out change.

I am standing at one of those moments, staring at my life wanting something more, something different.

What will that be? I don’t know. It could be as simple as a new haircut or a fancy schmancy shirt.

The need for change happens to me when I find myself in a happy place. When all the strangeness of life balances to a point where I don’t feel like I’m not doing enough, like I’m not good enough.

Right now, I’m not drowning. I’ve accepted my imperfections, embraced what I can do and let go of what I can’t. I’ve allowed myself time to keep up with yard work, the pool, working out, housework, spending time with the family, and writing…as well as getting the kids to band practice and ball games.

This peace won’t last forever, it never does, so I’ll enjoy it.

And because I kinda like myself now, I want something new, something to show that I am kinda awesome and express me being…well, me.

Yea me!

The world is also standing on the edge of change, searching for a way to be better, demanding more of all its people.

My hope, that in this crazy world of political insanity and meaningless actions, we can all find that happy place, find peace and learn to like ourselves enough to seek out change, a something new that brings us joy.

I wish…

Peace to all who have none.

A somewhere better for those who have had their lives stolen by disease, by mental health issues, by the evil acts of someone else.

The ability to be exactly who you are without fear of judgement.

With change, we will rise above the darkness, but everyone in their own way, in their own life… and bit by bit light will spread into the world.

Change can be scary, but is necessary and can also bring greatness. We’ve seen it throughout history.

Love yourself. If you can’t, find help.

Love others. If you can’t, find a way to accept, to not judge, to let everyone chose their own path to happiness.

Change the world.

Love is love is love is love is love is love is love…

Reconnecting

Tags

anniversary trip, change, growing up, husbands, marriage, reconnecting, thoughts, wives

Last weekend hubs and I went away. See Wednesday will be our 20th wedding anniversary.

Dude. 20 years.

That’s almost half my life. Almost.

I banned our phones and computers from this little trip and we traveled a few hours north to Holland, Michigan. And had a GREAT time! We went to Holland State Park to see the snowy beach… snow on a beach! Ha!

It was like my own Hallmark movie, walking up and down the streets of downtown Holland, wandering the cute shops, eating in all the yummy local food.

And there was a tree lighting.

EEEEEEEK!

We needed to get away from life. We needed to reconnect.

Because 20 years was a long time ago. And people change. When I think of 22 year old me, I cringe. This man of mine married a naïve, scared, uncertain girl. I had an art degree, but no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had a car, but wouldn’t go out into the new city I moved to, because of fear. At 22 I had no idea who I was.

I think this is true of most people in their early twenties, which kinda makes it odd to get married at that age. I was bound to change.

My tall, knight in drab camo loved that girl… but there was no guarantee that he would love the person I would become.

He watched me grow up, become me.

Not that I went through any real drastic changes, overall I still fear dealing with people in the outside world, I still believe in magic, I still love my art. But I am a lot more independent. And with him working a lot, I easily go my own way and am very happy by myself.

And marriage isn’t a by yourself kind of deal.

So we spent the day just us, not talking about work or all the things that keep us apart, but holding hands and enjoying being together…being US.

Because US is what it’s all about.

 

Will the Real Kathy Please Stand Up

Tags

being yourself, change, colored hair, self promotion, thoughts, trying new things

 

 

My daughter got her hair colored today, blue ombre from her shoulders down. It’s pretty! I’ve always thought people with colored hair were cool. I, however, never joined the ranks of coloring my hair because… well, I’m not cool.

As a kid, I stayed the same. Same hair. Same clothes. Same everything. The one time I changed my hair style, there was teasing and laughing, so… yeah, I withdrew into myself and faded into the realm of invisible.

Where I stayed. Until I got older and thought “WHY?”

Why not be me? So, I’ve been trying. Being myself. Letting the crazy things that enter my head fly free!

Well, on Twitter and maybe FB and here. It’s easy to sit in my house and type all the things. I don’t let the weird out every where. But maybe I should, well, not completely… let’s go slowly so as not to scared the natives.

So as I’m watching my daughter grinning in excitement at her blue hair, I decided something. I’m going to let the strangeness of me peek out. On Friday I’m getting my hair cut, and by cut I mean getting layers added through the bottom because I’m keeping my length, it’s mine. AND…

I’m getting purple streaks added.

I know! And this right before my author appearance at my town’s 150th celebration. Seriously, I am going to have a table to promote ME and my work. Of course, my book isn’t out yet, but I am cooking up neat stuff, flexing my creative muscles, hoping to be memorable and connect with people.

There will be candy.

New me will be there… being me. It’s time to allow a bit of who I am and what I like to show.

I am magic. Why hide it?

Think of me this Saturday as I attempt to interact with people, talk of my writing successes and soon to be published book. Think of me as I become slightly less invisible.

Think of me… and maybe send chocolate.

AND I WISH EVERYONE COULD COME!

 

Puppy Power

Tags

change, hope, puppy, thoughts, time

There is only one thing on my mind today.

Puppy.

On Tuesday, we brought our 7 week old German Shepard puppy home and my life went all wibbly-wobbly, upside down… AH!

His name is Talon, and the level of cute is… *melts*.

I stand in the middle of change, of wondering what life will become as this little fur-ball settles into our lives. So far, I have clung to my sanity, I have embraced the work, and am beginning to mourn what was.

Because with change comes loss.

I take him outside all the time, to play, to go potty. I praise him for good behavior and my mind spins with all the things I should do, I could do… trying to make a plan on how best to integrate this little guy into our lives. HOW? Time. Right? In time, he will stop whining and crying at night when I lock him in his cage. This makes two nights with not so much sleep. In time, he will figure out that the house is not a potty… cleaning pee off the rugs is not my favorite thing.

However, I miss my cats. I miss the curled up balls of fuzz that usually sit with me while I write. I love my cats. Seriously, I’m the crazy cat lady.

Pixie helping me type… not really

I hold onto hope that house training will happen soon, that he will pick up the routine quickly. I grasp onto the hope that my cats will get over theirs fear and come back to me. They just need time.

When things change, perhaps we all cling to what once was, holding onto what we know. Sometimes we do. Sometimes it’s best to let the past fade away. Sometimes combining the past with what will be just takes a moment and a bit of faith (and maybe a butt-load of magic). Timey-wimey stuff, kids.

Now to face the moments between now and that magical moment when it all falls into place.

Survival is the name of the game… life calls for strength, whether its a new puppy, a new job, or a completely new you. Life calls for flexibility, for taking a deep breath and doing our best. In all the stress of change, don’t forget to find a happy place. Without joy, life is blah and who needs that? No one.

As much work as this puppy is, he’s cute and, already, he loves us. Oh my.

 

Change… Bring it On!

Tags

anxiety, change, home improvement, panic, puppy, thoughts, writing

We’re getting a puppy!

My life will be forever changed, and, for a while, it will be utter chaos. That’s just what I need… said no one ever.

We’ve had a dog and the work it requires, especially at first,  makes my head hurt.

I hate change. I love how my life has settled into comfortable ease. Knowing what will happen each day brings me peace. Seriously, the rut I have created is deep. I like it here.

Panic and anxiety dig their claws into my heart. What are we doing? A puppy? *clings to my routine*

But…

Hubs told me long ago he wanted a dog. We moved out to the country so he could have land for a dog. The kids want a dog and are ready to help. It’s time. I agreed.

It was a choice. Most changes are. We can prepare for them. Make a plan, which will immediately fail and more panic will ensue, but I can hope.

We are also putting in a fireplace. As soon as the air cooled, hubs remembered last winter and, well, he hates the cold. So the family room is a mess. I can handle it… *breathes* Again, it was a choice.

Not all change is chosen. Sometimes things just happen and can bring excitement or complete and utter fear. It’s those moments that really play with our minds and emotions.

Recently, I have been drawn to writing horror. Wait… what? I have been a fantasy girl FOREVER. I read horror. I love horror, but I could never write it. No way.

Maybe way. My horror short stories have done okay. I like them. It seems that my writing style works with the genre. Cool! I’m excited, because I am going to do a bit of research and write a NA horror manuscript. I am also scared out of my mind. Time to climb out of my comfy rut.

It’s good for me… right?

The family room is a construction zone… *resists urge to clean ALL THE TIME*

I will introduce a puppy to my four cats and a new home, away from his mom and litter-mates, and attempt to train him.

My short stories call for attention and Japanese myths and demons draw me to learn more about them.

Here I go! *pulls self out of rut* *wipes sweat and dirt from my eyes*

Change is scary, for me anyway, but it isn’t the end of the world. So many changes have happened in my life and have brought me here. Here is good -a bit wibbly-wobbly from time to time, but I like it. I have faith. Whatever the Universe brings, either what I choose or what chooses me, I will be better for it, stronger, unstoppable.

Anyone else have to climb out of their rut recently?

When Everyone Else Jumps Off a Bridge …

Tags

books, cancer, change, death, fear, John Green, living, love, The Fault in Our Stars, thoughts, trying new things

Soooo … every once in a while, I’ll go see a movie or read a book because EVERYONE ELSE DID AND THEY CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Sometimes this backfires *cough*Twilight*cough* … other times it leads me down a path I never would have traveled. A marvelous path.

John Green’s ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ followed me home from the store one day because everyone was loving it. And I had to see what all the fuss was about. Now, let’s be honest. This is not the type of book I would choose. There is no magic, no ghosts, no demons, no fairies … no paranormal creepy, horror strangeness. And I like dark evil wrapped up in words.

And there is cancer. Since my sister’s battle with breast cancer two years ago that word causes fear and tears.

But, I had to see!

I finished the book. Today.

And wow. Just wow. I gave it a short, simple five star review, which is odd for me. I reserve those five stars for books that leave me changed, that wind through my soul and dig their emotions into my being, that give me a different view of the world.

What is that meaningful wisdom I scooped up? I suppose everyone takes something different from books. It’s art, that’s the way it should be.

Like most people, I am afraid of death. I do believe in that ‘capitol S-Something’. There is more to the universe than our limited existence. But what waits for us after we die? I don’t know and that unknown is what makes me shudder. Hazel showed me that maybe it’s not about fearing what happens to us when we die, but what happens to those we love. Will they go on and be the best possible them? Will they carry the memory of us as they live their lives to the fullest? They better.

And dear Augustus offered his view of life. We can’t make choices based in fear only in love. Never be afraid to love something because it will fade, because you might lose it. Love is never lost and it never fades.

Live your life knowing fear is not real, but love is forever.

“I do, Augustus. I do.” ~ Hazel in ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ by John Green

I love it when I find a book like this. I have found a few. And thanks to the masses, ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ is among them. I climbed out of my rut and read something different. Holy wow, maybe I’m not a hermit. Well … maybe.

Any books out there that touched you? If you’ve read TFIOS, what did you take from its pages?

 

The Magic of Teenagers

Tags

change, faith, fear, hope, individuality, life, self doubt, teenagers, thoughts

I know. I know. What in the world can I possibly find magical about teenagers? But hang with me for a sec.

To say I hated being a teen would be a nice way of putting it. Really, being the awkward, quiet, weird kid, cowering at the back of the class trying to disappear, wasn’t ever a goal of mine, I was really good at it though. Serious self-doubt and low self-esteem … yes, that was (and still is) me. Kids called me names. I was certain there was something wrong with me. Why didn’t that portal open up and take me somewhere I truly belonged?

No, don’t blow up the balloons for the pity party! That’s just how it was.

Being a teenager sucks – standing at the edge of the cliff of life, gazing out at the world wondering how in the world you’ll find a spot in the chaos. To choose what to be, who to be. Teens face the biggest questions of life, their brains having no idea what to do with those questions. So teens try to find a voice, find themselves. In their search for independence, there will be eye-rolling and ‘attitude’ (a word a have a deep hatred of). Why do they stomp off and slam doors? Because they have no idea how to express the emotions in their spinning heads. They are trying to form their own opinions, say what’s on their minds, live life their own way, because they don’t want to be told what to do or how to think – and who does? They need to discover what works and what doesn’t on their own. Hello, mistakes! What a perfect time to make them! When parents are there to offer a helping hand and say, “Oops. Maybe try something different next time.” By the time they venture out into the world, they’ll be ready.

However, we adults might not.

Sending kids out into the world is scary. What if they make bad choices, end up falling into darkness? This fear can lead to control. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about rules. Rules are different, rules are good. Control … telling them how to live. Encourage them to find their own way, because let’s be honest, we want then to move out! And never move back in! Surviving mistakes will give them confidence. Teach them to love themselves even though they make mistakes, even though they don’t fit in at school, because in the end we are who we are, and, maybe, not fitting in was just right. It was for me. If I had the chance to go back and tell teenage-me that being weird was okay, no better than okay … it was PERFECT, I wouldn’t go. One, I wouldn’t believe me being an obvious evil clone or shape-shifting alien. Two, being that girl brought me here and I LOVE it here. In the end we need to learn to accept ourselves and that takes time.

Being a parent isn’t about control. It’s about encouragement. It’s about acceptance. When they slam the door and roll their eyes, celebrate their need to be themselves and help them express their emotions. Don’t fear what the world will do to your child. Be excited about what your child can do for the world.

Being a teen isn’t about fitting in and being perfect. It’s about facing fear and finding a voice, which takes time, a bit of magic, and a lot of believing.

I write this because of my teen friends, past and present whose houses are filled with yelling. I wish I could change it with a wave of my magic wand. However, I promise to help you find the power to make your lives better. I dedicate this to the teens who think no one cares because no one listens. I honor all the parents who go day by day, trying to understand, to accept, but feel on the verge of running away. All families are different, all kids are different. My wish is for everyone to find the way life works best and live it fully. Life truly is magic, don’t let it get buried under frustration and unhappiness.

What can you do to make your life better? Or maybe the life of someone else.