Scared of the Suckage

Tags

expectations, fear, first drafts, relax, thoughts, writing

I’ve started writing a new book!

I am so excited to tell Ember’s story of how she finds Nowhere. I love this whole idea! I love the characters. I love the setting. I love the tone. Adventure. Creepiness. So many emotions.

I know where the story is heading. I know the overall theme. So much is all figured out and the stuff that isn’t, well, it will show itself when it’s ready.

So, this…

Right?

Not exactly. More…

Yeah.

BUT WHY?!?!?!?!! Kathy…why?

I’ve been staring at the screen. And yes, blank pages that wait to be filled is frightening. I hate first drafts. But I know what the next scene is…I can see it played out in my head. Yes, translating the movie in my mind to words can be tricky, but not stare at the screen forever tricky.

So what is keeping the words from pouring from my fingertips?

Well, fear.

Fear that I won’t be able to link all the characters, the stories, the feelings. Fear that I won’t be able to tell this glorious idea that has been growing in my head in the right way, the best way…

That I will mess up what I think is a fantastic idea.

That I won’t be able to infuse the tale with the right amount of creepy and humor. That  I won’t be able to pull off the voice I want (because this is middle grade and VOICE IS EVERYTHING!). That I can’t tug this thing free from my mind and slam it on the page and make it real.

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty here. I’m scared it will suck.

So I admit it. I embrace it. I am scared.

What do we, as writers, do about that?

We take a breath, relax, and write anyway.

I’ll say it again.

Take a breath.

Relax.

Write. 

Have fun. Create. Don’t let these terrible expectations take away the reason we write, don’t let it steal the joy.

Because fear isn’t going to keep me from telling Ember’s tale. I’m going to pour all the words I can get into my first draft. I’m going to add all I can, get the story out. After I have a draft, I’ll worry about fixing it. I’ll sculpt the pile of words into what it wants to be.

Fear isn’t stronger than me.

 

#Magicday…Sometimes Nope is the Correct Answer

Tags

calm, expectations, happy, live, magic, Magicday, peace, say no, simply be, stress, thoughts

The magic for today is to decide not to…

I didn’t blog last week. I let a few days go without my workout. I just said nope.

For me, learning I’ll be okay when I let the routine go, when I deviate from what I think I should do is a big deal. I get wrapped up in the list I have in my head, the list that makes up the perfect me. When I start to obsess about what I have to do, the magic of stepping back can refocus me, it can remind me what is important. I am important. My calm happiness is important. The stress caused by the pursuit if perfection isn’t worth compromising that peace.

So, sometimes I have to not. Just run away from the stuff.

I have to remember that I will be okay if I don’t, to prove that I won’t end up like…

I get more done when I’m not trying to check all the perfect boxes on my perfect list. I feel more accomplished when I don’t have the things I didn’t do staring at me, accusing me of failing.

I didn’t blog last week.

The world didn’t end.

I missed some workouts.

The sun rose.

I didn’t panic. I didn’t stress. I let it all go.

I can like me for me and not because I lived up to my impossible expectations, but because I allowed myself to simply be.

Don’t forget you in all the things. Don’t forget to live in all the doing. Step back to remember what makes you happy and let go of all the stress.

Not doing can be magic.

 

#Magicday…Silencing the Shoulds

Tags

expectations, magic, Magicday, perfect is boring, pride, thoughts

Time to add a bit of magic to Monday!

I discovered something about myself. I had a revelation. Every morning, I wake up with a list of things in my head. A list of what I have to do, what I should do, a list of expectations. If I could do this…this…this…and this…I will have succeeded. I will not be a failure. I will be worth something.

Then I don’t…I don’t do one thing on the list…I don’t complete as much of a project as I wanted…I don’t live up to those high expectations.

And I fail.

I go to bed, preparing my list for the next day, I will do all the shoulds. I will do better. Be better.

And fail again.

I began to look at what I did do each day. WHAT I DID DO. Well, that put a new spin on my outlook. Maybe I SHOULD (Haha) stop trying to be some perfect image of me and be me.

I like me. I’m pretty cool.

Spring break was marvelous. I had a great time with my family and the voice in my head constantly telling me to be perfect, to do all the things, went away.

When I got home, the flood of words returned.

AND I WAVED MY MAGIC WAND AND SILENCED THEM.

I don’t need a head full of shoulds hounding me all day. I don’t need to have a mind full of demands to be perfect as I fall asleep. I’m not perfect. I don’t wanna be! Perfect is boring. Perfect is stupid. All the should dos…I magicked them into oblivion.

I will do what I need to do. At the end of the day, I will be happy and proud of my choices.

THIS IS THE MAGIC OF LIFE, OF LIVING. Do what you do and be proud.

 

The Season of Lent

Tags

Catholic church, Easter, expectations, God, guilt, Lent, mental health, thoughts

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. I was raised Catholic, so this time of year was always a big deal. As Catholics have many rules, the season of Lent seems to have more. Lent is a time of self-sacrifice, to look inward. To fast. To pray. All to get ready for the miracle of Easter.

The church is pretty good at telling us how to live. Pretty good at throwing the word sin around. Pretty good at reminding us how our eternal reward is waiting…if we do what we’re supposed to do. Pretty good at judging those who don’t live according to their teachings. I’ve learned that the church can be pretty closed-minded. And yet preach peace on Earth.

Well, I believe that no one group of people get to tell the world what is the “right” way to live. I believe that peace comes from acceptance.

As a goodie-two-shoes ruler follower and as a kid, so for years I did what was expected. Yet as I got older, I began to question. Why am I doing this? Why am I following these rules? What exactly does it mean to me? If I am doing these things only because the church tells me to…what am I gaining? How is this bettering me, how is this bringing me closer to God, to my faith?

That’s what all this should do. Grow our faith. In whatever it is we believe.

What we choose to do should make us stronger.

However, when I didn’t follow the rules, I felt a lot of guilt. So Lent became this terrible season where I either did what I was told and ended up with a head full of questions or played the rebel and ended up with a heart full of guilt.

As Lent approached this year, I wanted it to be different. I’m tired of feeling guilty. There’s no reason to live up to other’s expectations. Only my own. God did give me my own mind for a reason…I should use it.

Easter is a time of hope, of renewal. So I am focused on that.

I will use these 40 days to grow my faith in me, to make myself the best version of me I can be. Even though I won’t be following the church’s rules, by listening to my heart I think God (or whoever is up there) will be proud of me.

My energy will be directed to creating better, healthier habits. And not eating right and exercising, but mental health. By carving time for all the things that will help me be a stronger person, I will push away all the things that hold me down.

By the time Easter arrives with all its glory, I will be on my way to the best me I can be.

One set of rules for everyone doesn’t work. We’re all different. Whether you celebrate Easter and Lent or not. Take time to grow your faith, to believe in yourself, to allow yourself to be the person you were meant to be. Drive out the darkness and open yourself to the light.

That’s what Lent is to me. That’s what Easter is to me. I’m finally ready to allow myself to live it.

 

Keep Your Expectations for Yourself

Tags

Big Brothers/Big Sisters, expectations, kids, parents, thoughts

I have been a volunteer with Big Brothers/Big Sisters for 18 years. If you don’t know that organization, they take kids of single parent homes and match them with an adult, who will hopefully connect with them, show them other aspects of life, and have fun.

My first match began in 1997 with a 7 year old girl and we were matched until we graduated from the program because she graduated from high school. So almost 11 years. (And I am still in contact with her. I get to go to her daughter’s 5th birthday party!) I was matched again in 2010 with a 9 year old, so we have a few years left before she graduates, BUT JUST A FEW WHEN DID SHE GET TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN?

Anyway…

When you are a volunteer for BB/BS, annual reviews, where they bring you and your little in to fill out forms and chat, are required. I’ve done these a million times, I know them by heart. They are not my favorite thing to do, but I go.

This time one question made my brain explode slightly. “What are your expectations for your Little for the coming year?”

Ummm… wait. I know I have probably heard this question before, but that day, a part of me froze in shock.

Expectations…for HER?

I don’t have expectations for her, or anyone. We all should have our own. I wish for her to make decisions in her life as to what will make her happy. I can’t know what these choices are. I am not her. All I can do is expect certain things of myself, then do my best. Through this I can show her a way to live, but she must be in charge of her destiny.

Except, people do have expectations of others. It happens all the time. Mostly I see it in parents. And I get it. Our kids are awesome and we want them to show the world all their super powers.

When we have expectations for others and they choose something else…what happens to us? Sad? Disappointed? Because they made their own choice? Dude. That’s reason to celebrate.

What about the person with those expectations weighing on their shoulders? Expectations that in no way match what they desire.

Kinda like that.

So the only expectations I have are for me. Just like my first Little, I will watch my new Little as she figures out what she wants and who she wants to be. I will always be here to give support. I will always be here to lend an ear. I will always be here if she needs help. But I will never tell her what to do. Her choices must be her own. Her expectations must be ones she sets. The same goes for my kids. And hubs. And sisters. And nieces. And everyone.

Go! Be you! Make your own choices. Have your own expectations. And be brilliant. I know you will.

 

Expectations

Tags

expectations, magic, panic, pitchwars, thoughts, writeoncon, writing

Expectations can be a weakness. They can steal the magic.

It stems from hope, maybe this or that will happen, but grows into an untamable beastie. I want… I need this to happen. I act out the entire thing in my mind.

Wrong! Don’t do it.

I entered pitchwars and found myself beyond frustrated. I had a goal. I was conducting an experiment. However, if you have no control over the situation, the experiment will fail. The wonderful mentors spend A LOT of their time reading submissions, picking ones that resonate with them, choosing manuscripts they think they can help. It really is a marvelous thing.

I would love a mentor. I think the beginning of my manuscript needs help. Really. Let’s be honest, beginnings aren’t my thing. At. All.

But if I’m going with honesty… I wanted to know if my query and first chapter could hook a reader. And pitchwars is not the place to do this. Not. Some mentors request pages, I thought maybe if I got page requests… BAM I hooked someone. So when I get no requests? When none of the mentors follow me back on Twitter… does that mean I suck?

Maybe.

Okay… NO. Mine could be pretty good, but not what they are looking for. Maybe they don’t feel like they can help mine. Some mentors don’t request pages. Some mentors stay pretty quiet while they’re selecting their victims… er, winners. And these busy people with lives of their own don’t have time to give me feedback. That’s just silly.

So I had expectations, but they weren’t realistic. I do write fantasy, so real isn’t something I do well. I need to relax and see what happens. I need to remember why I enjoyed pitchwars last year, because of what it can give me. Friends. Contacts. CPs. And other ways to fulfill my expectations.

Look for the good and that is what you will find! *beats self over head*

So I heard about WriteOnCon… a forum for writers to post queries, the first 250 words, and the first 5 pages and other writers will stop by to comment, and I can comment on others. I went and signed up then panicked… OHMYGOSHWHATISTHISWHATAMIDOINGTHEREISTOOMUCHANDIDONTKNOWWHERETOGO!

So I gave up.  Seriously, this is classic me. Don’t be afraid, I usually end up hating the fact that I quit and go back with fierce determination. I’m not a complete loser. Pfft.

Then I mentioned my giving up on Twitter and a very nice friend Kate Foster @winellroad helped me figure out what to click on and how to do it. So I did. However, my query didn’t seem to post, so no idea there. And I am still floundering about over there. I am KPalm if you want to find me… be my friend… something.

Now, with WriteOnCon, I expect to read some good words and make a few (hopefully) helpful comments. I expect to get a few comments that I will use to make my writing better. From pitchwars, I expect the mentors to choose a ms to make them happy, that they love and if it isn’t mine, I get it. I won’t throw in the towel.

Expectations can wipe away the magic that I treasure, the magic of what comes from living.