Ready to Slay the Demons

Tags

anxiety, failure, fear, Julie Hutchings, lists, One day at a time, real life, Reuts Publishing, thoguhts, writing

There are moments when all the things I have to do attack. The list runs through my mind constantly. I don’t sleep, I simply repeat the list over and over and over.

Then anxiety.

Then fear that I can’t.

Then the darkness of failure begins to stretch its claws across my brain.

Then I can’t focus. I can’t function. Anxiety paralyzes me.

Panic sets in.

I will fail.

But doing nothing isn’t an option. Doing nothing is failure. All I can do is try.

So I make lists. I write down all the things. For some reason seeing it, being able to line the things up in a neat little row makes them less scary. Looking at the words, I can prioritize, push aside the things that can wait and allow my brain to focus on what has to be done.

Which brings me to now. And my list… well, lists. Writing life list and real life list, two worlds that sometimes never get along. But they have to. For my sanity, or what’s left of it.

I can function under pressure. Once I get past the fear, I tend to thrive with all the things to do, with my list firmly grasped in my sweaty fist.

And, of course, I have my own little cheering section. People who tell me I’m fine, who tell me I can do anything, who tell me I’ve got this. My fabulous friends who know me, who know my craziness and still love me. For my hubs who keeps texting me to see if I’m okay… for the tweets and FB posts filled with encouragement.

I LOVE YOU ALL!

I am okay. Today I will reach a place of calm and tackle the list.

So let’s end this post with a bit of excitement… A fabulous lady, one of my Twitter friends, Julie Hutchings @HutchingsJulie (who posted my madness story on her blog last March) has signed with REUTS! Go read about my new Reuts family member. I can’t wait to read her book!

Think of me as you set forth on your adventure today, as you face your lists and possibly demons and dragons. I will think of you.

*draws sword* FOR NARNIA! FOR US!

 

Facing Dark Magic … Failure, Fear

Tags

dreams, failure, fear, hope, thoughts, writing

My worst fear is failure.

The pool, once again, turned green this year. Everything I tried to fix it failed. So I prepare to close the pool, knowing I will have to fight it next year, knowing I failed.

As a kid, Mom called me a perfectionist, a character trait I have fought for years. If I didn’t know I could do something perfectly, I wouldn’t try. I stayed in my comfort zone, never breaking out into the world to see what was out there waiting for me. Naive… sheltered… scared to death… yup, that was me.

In college, I received my first grade lower than a B – C, D, even an F. It devastated me. I had failed. I was failing. I chose to major in art, a subjective area, where grades depend on someone’s opinion. Let me study, memorize, learn formulas and I will soar, but I wanted to tap into the creative energy that lurked in my soul. My chosen major made my mom panic. When I came home with low grades, she freaked out. My dad, who had dabbled in the art world, shrugged and said, “That’s art. Your life depends on what other people think.”

Huh. He shrugged. He accepted it.

Honestly getting those grades, facing failure made me stronger. I hadn’t died. The world hadn’t ended. I learned more from those classes where I struggled than in any others.

So ten years ago, I decided to be a writer, something I knew nothing about.

Would I fail?

Maybe. It was incredibly scary. But I wrote a book, then another, and another… but these aren’t just for me, I want others (people not related to me) to read them.

Would they ever be published?

I don’t know. I still don’t.

But, as scared as I am at getting those rejections, I am more afraid of never trying, of never knowing if it was possible.

Because it is possible. Fear whispers. It holds us down. But it isn’t real. And no one should let that little demon keep them from pursuing a dream.

Dreams are important. They are what make being human special. When my first story was published … oh, seven or so years ago … my sister sent me a card that read, “Dreams come a size too big so we can grow into them.”

As I went out to my failed pool yesterday, ready to cover and forget it, I discovered that my last effort had not failed… the green was settling to the bottom. So a bit of elbow grease to vacuum it out, gives me hope. Just when you think it’s done, over, finished, lying dead at the bottom of the pit of failure, a ray of light shines on the world.

Fear. Failure. They are strong adversaries, dark magic.

Dreaming. Hope. these make powerful allies in the fight to achieve our goals, to walk out into the unknown and create our lives.

My dream is big, but I am growing.

Everything is possible.

The Magic of Wanting

Tags

dreams, failure, magic, pitchwars, thoughts, writing

We all have dreams. Goals. Passions that drive us to get out of bed and, maybe, put on pants. (or not, no one panic)

I recently finished another round of tough revisions for my YA fantasy Doors and I entered pitchwars, an online contest where we writers hope that a mentor picks us to help polish our manuscript to a high shine for agents. In my YA category, there are over 500 entries. So do I stand a chance? I don’t know, probably not. So why do I torture myself by pressing submit? Why do I stalk the Twitter feed looking for clues that my ms has caught someone’s attention?

Because!

Because I have a need, a desire, this terrible burning in my gut… I want to be published SO MUCH – like every other writer out there. I burst out in tears when others share news about getting an agent or their book published. Because I want it to be me…

And I fear it never will be.

What makes my books stand out? I don’t know. Is my writing really any good? I don’t know.

But I keep doing it. I keep writing. I keep entering contests and sending out queries because of a little spark of hope, one that won’t die, one that won’t let me give up and find a real job I can hate forever.

I want to know if I have a chance.

TELL ME PURRRR-LEASE!

Last year my YA fantasy Faerie Wind was failing out there in the land of querying. Last year it had its turn to not be picked for pitchwars. Maybe next year I’ll have another one… my YA magical realism Fate’s Mistake is next on the big revision block.

Yea.

I am lucky to do what I love. I write for me because I have these stories to tell. But I write so that someone else out there can share in the journeys and maybe be affected by my words. And I am privileged to get to read and critique others’ work – seriously love that part. One I get to start soon! Eeeek!

Even though right now I am having a party with my self-doubt, a big mess of a party. Right now I am reaching out on FB and Twitter hoping for words of encouragement. (and I’m getting them, *bows in gratitude*)

Even though no one can ever answer my question of if I have a chance.

I’ll keep going. Because as afraid as I am of failing… I am more afraid of never succeeding.

Fear is not a welcome traveling companion. Fear will never lead you down the right path of life.

The magic of wanting keeps us all going.