Facing the Real Fear

Tags

facing fear, failing, fear, fearing success, rejections, thoughts, writing

I’m not a believer in writer’s block, in some unseen force sent from another dimension that magically holds our creativity hostage.

I do believe that writers can block themselves.

No mystical energy is stopping the words. We are. The question is…why?

Why do we sit in front of the computer, in front of a blank notebook and stare? Why can’t we write words?

Did we forget how?

Nope.

Do we not want to?

Nope.

Is our well of story ideas empty?

Nope.

It’s no secret that I am struggling with the words. I know why.

Fear.

I have decided to query agents with this manuscript. An agent. My entire writing career has been me not querying agents because I firmly believe no agent will sign me. I’m not good enough.

So to have these specific plans for this book, pretty much destroys any self-confidence I ever had. Why finish it when I’m going to fail? It will never be good enough. I can’t create the perfect thing in my head on the page. If I can’t reach this perfection, I should just give up.

But let’s look at the real fear here. Because it’s not the thought of failure. Someone at my writers’ group uttered a phrase, one I’ve heard, one I believe, one I had forgotten.

People fear success. What do we have if we reach our dreams? Where do we go from there?

I fear this manuscript will be good enough. I fear an agent offering rep. I fear the world I don’t know, one where I am not searching for the path I want to tread, but am walking it.

A few years ago I signed a manuscript with a small press and with the excitement came panic. I don’t know how to be an author with a published book. I don’t know what that means. I still don’t, but I realize that not a lot of people do. We learn as we go.

Maybe that world isn’t so bad. Maybe I’ll find my way there.

Instead of fearing setting foot on the path I dreamed about for so long, instead of striving for a perfection that isn’t attainable, I am going to do my best. I’m not a terrible writer, I do okay. This book idea is pretty cool. If an agent doesn’t like it…I’ll carry on with another dream.

Though that isn’t the fear, is it? The failing, the rejections. It’s that offer that’s scary. It’s that I am good enough. It’s living in a world I don’t know.

It’s okay to be scared. It’s not okay to run from your dreams because of the fear.

Look it in the eye.

And write the words.

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Scared of the Suckage

Tags

expectations, fear, first drafts, relax, thoughts, writing

I’ve started writing a new book!

I am so excited to tell Ember’s story of how she finds Nowhere. I love this whole idea! I love the characters. I love the setting. I love the tone. Adventure. Creepiness. So many emotions.

I know where the story is heading. I know the overall theme. So much is all figured out and the stuff that isn’t, well, it will show itself when it’s ready.

So, this…

Right?

Not exactly. More…

Yeah.

BUT WHY?!?!?!?!! Kathy…why?

I’ve been staring at the screen. And yes, blank pages that wait to be filled is frightening. I hate first drafts. But I know what the next scene is…I can see it played out in my head. Yes, translating the movie in my mind to words can be tricky, but not stare at the screen forever tricky.

So what is keeping the words from pouring from my fingertips?

Well, fear.

Fear that I won’t be able to link all the characters, the stories, the feelings. Fear that I won’t be able to tell this glorious idea that has been growing in my head in the right way, the best way…

That I will mess up what I think is a fantastic idea.

That I won’t be able to infuse the tale with the right amount of creepy and humor. That  I won’t be able to pull off the voice I want (because this is middle grade and VOICE IS EVERYTHING!). That I can’t tug this thing free from my mind and slam it on the page and make it real.

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty here. I’m scared it will suck.

So I admit it. I embrace it. I am scared.

What do we, as writers, do about that?

We take a breath, relax, and write anyway.

I’ll say it again.

Take a breath.

Relax.

Write. 

Have fun. Create. Don’t let these terrible expectations take away the reason we write, don’t let it steal the joy.

Because fear isn’t going to keep me from telling Ember’s tale. I’m going to pour all the words I can get into my first draft. I’m going to add all I can, get the story out. After I have a draft, I’ll worry about fixing it. I’ll sculpt the pile of words into what it wants to be.

Fear isn’t stronger than me.

 

Believe in Heroes

Tags

acceptance, be a hero, Believe in heroes, fear, humans, sadness, thoughts

Believe.

In.

Heroes.

Those three words sat on a T-shirt. And I stopped. And I stared. And my heart stuttered with a realization.

We’ve stopped believing in heroes.

The last Captain America movie. Batman vs. Superman. Suddenly we’re questioning the motives of these caped wonders, when once we cheered. Suddenly we’re trying to put rules on them instead of accepting what they do.

Who are we to control them? To control anyone?

We fear our world is spinning out of control, so we reach for a way to tighten our grip.

We aren’t looking for heroes. We’re looking for bad guys, for people to blame.

We scream…

 

SCREAM…

 

SCREAM…

Into the void that is the Internet. We call for change. We point fingers and demand everyone see the world the way we see it…for everyone to hear every idea we pour into the world from our tired, tattered minds.

And we think we can magically make everyone agree with us.

Everyone’s minds are twisted with rage at so many things. Different things. So we yell louder about the injustices that matter to us, about the help that is needed, about the change that must happen.

But no one is listening. All the crying opinions have become a chaotic ball of noise, a giant, scary wad of “You’re wrong and I’m right!”.

The fact that there is no wrong and no right has been forgotten, lost to the darkness of blame. The world has been turned upside down with terrible events, and people have been drowning in sadness and frustration and fear. There are no heroes coming to save us. And even if they did, would they do it the correct way? Who gets to decide?

Life is a series of moments. People act in those moments, choosing the way that works best for them, choosing based on their emotions, their beliefs, their strengths and weaknesses, on what will help them and the ones they love.

This makes us Human.

Later we analyze, we judge, we go through every scenario and decide how situations should have been handled. We find all the faults. We argue. We yell. We scream.

How does this help?

Things happen. And there is no one to blame. For if people act out of desire to help, and they do the best they can, should we place the weight of what went wrong on their shoulders?

Sometimes we need to pick ourselves up and move on.

Without judgement.

Without analyzing.

Without screaming.

Without trying to control every bit of life.

But with listening. People were affected, emotionally changed. Help them find a light in the dark.

With support. Instead of screaming at how things were handled wrong, tend to the mental state of the people involved. Understand what they were thinking, what they were feeling, and why they acted the way they did.

The truth is…

We can’t control everything and not everyone acts with good intentions.

And no one will agree. Ever.

Utopia will only work if everyone gets their own because everyone’s idea of perfection is different. Who are we to decide what’s right for the entire world?

Let’s remember that we’re all Human, that we’re all looking for the same things. To be happy. To find our place in the world. To surround ourselves with people and things we love. That’s enough. The rest of the world will never be that wonderful magical place of perfection you envision. Make your part of the world that place, allow others to have theirs. To be accepted, you must accept.

Let’s remember that this is not the first time in the history of our race (the Human race) that there has been violence, been fear, been hate and a cry for help. We will survive. We will get stronger. And, yes, we will repeat the lessons over and over again.

Humans. We are beautiful, wrapped in all our flaws and crazy emotions. 

Believe.

In.

Heroes.

But don’t look for them.

Be.

That.

Hero.

 

 

The Fear of Offending

Tags

art, diversity, fear, offensive, thoughts, writing

Lately, I have become afraid to write characters who come from different backgrounds, cultures, abilities, or lifestyles than I do.

I might offend someone.

I know… a little dramatic. But sometimes we need to laugh, so we don’t lose our minds.

I constantly think about characters I have written and wonder…

Did I do it right?

Will someone read it and hate me forever?

What if I could have done it better, differently?

This thinking (overthinking) will stop all the writing. Twitter is full of advice, well, opinions on this. So many people telling groups that we need diverse characters, but those groups can’t write them.

I’m all for diversity. Everyone’s stories have an important spot in the world.

And everyone has the right to tell the story in their own way. So many books, so many characters and so many opinions about them.

But there has to be a level of acceptance.

You can’t make everyone happy. Though we try. One person finds something they don’t like in our work and we bend over backwards to “fix” it, and it might not be broken.

I dislike…A LOT…when people discuss what could have made a book, movie, story, TV show…or any art better. Feel free to disagree with anything out there. Feel free to voice your opinions about why certain things bother you. But DO NOT state how to “fix” it.

It’s not your art.

Let me say that again…IT’S NOT YOUR ART.

If you think a premise, a character, a story would have been better written a different way…WRITE IT YOURSELF. Don’t bash the author for what they “should” have done.

Artists aren’t here to give you the art you want, to paint the world in your favorite colors. They are here to offer their views, to share how they see the world, and incidentally share parts of their worlds with you.

Do we need to worry about offending people…Yup.

Writers need to do their research if delving into a subject they know little about. Other countries, other cultures, religions, people outside your sexual orientation all need to be represented as honestly as we can get. And stereo-types? We need to break those suckers apart.

But writers have no obligation to write their stories or characters to anyone’s specifications except their own.

As long as the character is honest and consistent, to himself and the world, as long as the words weren’t written with malice…there needs to be an amount of acceptance from those who find offense, who don’t agree with how it was written. Accept the other person’s views. Accept how they decide to portray their characters. They did not write it to offend you or anyone else (and if they did, well, that’s a whole other thing). Most of us out here do not want to offend anyone, but we do not want to tip toe around trying to avoid possible trouble. We want to write the stories that appear in our minds. We want to portray our characters without fear of being hunted down and hung before the masses.

A lot of worry. A lot of overthinking. A lot of feeling not good enough.

I’ve decided to let the fear of doing wrong go.

Will my book offend someone? Maybe. Probably? I have no idea. I accept that. I also accept that I am writing without any hate towards anyone. I am writing my characters and my stories the way I want to tell them. My characters will express themselves the way they need to, for the story. My character is not intended to represent a group of people.

If people don’t like it? Okay.

If you want to tell me why…GREAT! I will listen. I will take those opinions and learn…grow, but I can’t guarantee those opinions will change what I write.

Because my words, my characters, my worlds are mine.

 

Writing Sprints… For Joggers Too!

Tags

fear, goals, new things, sprints, thoughts, Twitter, word count, writing

I’ve been around Twitter for a while. I’ve seen so many people hook up and do writing sprints. And I always thought…how nice, but no way. The pressure must be terrible. They must be watching the clock, wondering how many words they can get…will it be enough words…what if they only get two?

So I never participated, until last night.

I have been having problems putting butt in chair. I don’t always open that word doc. I am easily distracted by snacks, pets, TV, and, heck, I’ll even clean to put off the inevitable typing words that might suck, words that might not make sense, words that might not tell the story lurking in my mind.

Cause that’s really what this procrastination is…fear.

My fear of failure is not a secret. I scream about it at the top of my lungs. So I am working of trying different things to get over it.

Last month I began jotting down my WIP word count at the end of each day, not to reach a certain number, but to see the number go up. I found myself writing so I could write a higher number.

But that wasn’t enough…

Last night, when the fabulous Jolene Haley (go follow her!) asked who was up for sprinting, I said YES before my uncertainty grabbed hold of my brain and pushed me away from the challenge. If I have learned one thing, it’s to MOVE FASTER THAN YOUR FEAR! JUST DO IT!

I didn’t set a word count goal. That would have been too much for me, causing possible meltdown or spontaneous combustion. But I started at the set time and wrote until the end time. I did 250 words in 20 minutes.

I looked at the clock a lot at first, counting down the minutes. I mean how can twenty minutes GO SO FAST? Panic crept in, then I thought of the others in the group who would be back on Twitter to post their results. I thought of how we were all just doing our best and that any new words were good words. And my panic subsided.

I’m not a sprinter. I can’t just write without thinking, writing and writing to add a bajillion words, which is why I don’t NaNo. I stop and think. I stop to check my notes about my characters and worlds.

But I wrote. At my own happy pace.

Second round brought 450 words in 30 minutes.

And…WAIT I HAVE 700 new words?

Then we did 10 more minutes…well, I did 15, because the scene had to be finished and added another 250.

After each round we had a break. After each round we all celebrated each other’s accomplishments, no matter the word count. Goals were reached. Gifs were posted. Friends were made.

My next new thing is to go to the library for an hour during the day to escape the distractions that plague me at home. There’s no eating, laundry, dog who wants to play, or cleaning at the library. As long as I can stay away from ALL THE BOOKS…

If you get stuck, open you eyes to all the possibilities, try things you would normally run from. Scene by scene, chapter by chapter, word by word, we’ll get these things drafted.

I tried something new. And it worked.

And it didn’t kill me, which is most important, because a couple people might miss me.

 

I’m NOT Setting Goals… No One Can Make Me!

Tags

comparing to others, fear, goals, imagination, joy, living without goals, panic, stress, thoughts, writing

So I recently posted about getting into better habits. My brain immediately screamed…

SET DAILY GOALS!

MAKE A SCHEDULE!

PLAN YOUR LIFE!

FOCUS!

Wait… NO! Are you kidding, brain? We’ve tried this before. Do you want me to end up completely bonkers?

But… there are people, you’ve seen the posts on Twitter about goals to write 2K words a day. You’ve seen the people who write 5K (even 10K) words a day! You see all the people out there burning through their ms with passion, with gusto, with fabulous speed and brilliance! You’ve seen the people who have a schedule and get up at strange hours like 5am (seriously though I don’t think that time exists) and write words! Don’t you want to be like them?

Well…

Don’t you want to push past this fear you have of new words and write all the things you have in your head?

Well…

PLAN! SCHEDULE! GOALS!

(I do realize I had a conversation with myself right here, so thank you for attending Kathy-Talks-To-Herself Theater… showtimes vary, but happen everyday.)

*ahem* *straightens T-shirt*

I admire everyone with word count goals. I admire the writers who can get up early and add words. I have been falling into the void of LOOK-AT-THAT-PERSON-THEY-ARE-BETTER-THAN-ME-I-MUST-BE-FAILING. This is dangerous ground.

If I tell myself that I must write so many words a day… I panic.

If I make a schedule and something happens to derail it… I panic.

If I plan my life… I panic.

Believe me. No one wants that.

Relax, me! Things will work out. I will get back to writing and do my thing and all will be well. For some reason my personality does not allow plans or goals. I put extra stress on myself (perhaps a bit of that darn perfectionist) and get nothing done.

This ms is going so slow. I am having issues with the put butt in chair and write action. This bothers me! Why? Why can’t I do this? I like… heck, I love this writing thing!

BAH!

When I sat, stopped yelling at myself, and looked at the problem, I found an answer. I haven’t lived in my worlds long enough. I haven’t had lengthy conversations with my characters (old and new). This Darkness thing… there’s history it hasn’t revealed to me yet. There’s characters I need to meet, and worlds I need to explore. So I’m going back to brainstorming, writing all the ideas, creating a calendar, maybe sketching, and living in the worlds of my imagination.

My imagination is a happy place, even if it does contain a bit of creepiness. I will find my joy there. And when those good feelings fill me, I’ll write it all down in a spectacularly rough and crappy first draft. Just as it should be.

Yes, thank you, Hogwarts! They know brilliance happens in revisions.

But no daily goals. I’ll get done what I get done without stress.

Life is too short to live it in a spiky bubble of YOU MUST, at least for me. No plans. No goals. No self-imposed schedule. Just me and what I do, when I do it.

 

 

 

Ready to Slay the Demons

Tags

anxiety, failure, fear, Julie Hutchings, lists, One day at a time, real life, Reuts Publishing, thoguhts, writing

There are moments when all the things I have to do attack. The list runs through my mind constantly. I don’t sleep, I simply repeat the list over and over and over.

Then anxiety.

Then fear that I can’t.

Then the darkness of failure begins to stretch its claws across my brain.

Then I can’t focus. I can’t function. Anxiety paralyzes me.

Panic sets in.

I will fail.

But doing nothing isn’t an option. Doing nothing is failure. All I can do is try.

So I make lists. I write down all the things. For some reason seeing it, being able to line the things up in a neat little row makes them less scary. Looking at the words, I can prioritize, push aside the things that can wait and allow my brain to focus on what has to be done.

Which brings me to now. And my list… well, lists. Writing life list and real life list, two worlds that sometimes never get along. But they have to. For my sanity, or what’s left of it.

I can function under pressure. Once I get past the fear, I tend to thrive with all the things to do, with my list firmly grasped in my sweaty fist.

And, of course, I have my own little cheering section. People who tell me I’m fine, who tell me I can do anything, who tell me I’ve got this. My fabulous friends who know me, who know my craziness and still love me. For my hubs who keeps texting me to see if I’m okay… for the tweets and FB posts filled with encouragement.

I LOVE YOU ALL!

I am okay. Today I will reach a place of calm and tackle the list.

So let’s end this post with a bit of excitement… A fabulous lady, one of my Twitter friends, Julie Hutchings @HutchingsJulie (who posted my madness story on her blog last March) has signed with REUTS! Go read about my new Reuts family member. I can’t wait to read her book!

Think of me as you set forth on your adventure today, as you face your lists and possibly demons and dragons. I will think of you.

*draws sword* FOR NARNIA! FOR US!

 

Frizzled, Frazzled, and Whatevered

Tags

fear, forgive, human, keep smiling, thoughts, writing

It’s Monday, blog day. It’s also Memorial Day, a holiday. My hubs and kids are home, so I’ve been, well, doing not writerly stuff. But it’s not just today. I got a bit lost last week.

And I guess I forgive me. Because I promised that I would.

Forgive me for letting fear and anxiety keep me trapped in the black void of chapter one.

Forgive me for fighting a broken emotional brain.

Forgive me for calling myself a failure.

Forgive me for the crap I did write.

Forgive me for being a frizzled, frazzled mess.

Because that’s what I am. I’m trying to gather all the pieces of me and hold them in place. I’m trying.

And I’ll survive. I’ll get that first chapter written and to my wonderful Walrus Writers. I’ll get the kids to all their ball games. I’ll keep the house in its semi-nice-ish state.

I’ll keep smiling. Keep finding reasons to laugh. Keep pushing past the fear and insecurities.

Deep down, I know I can succeed. I know fear isn’t real. We’re all allowed moments to freak out, those times of insanity make life’s victories even sweeter.

We’re all human.

Life isn’t perfect.

Pick up the pieces, kids. The adventure isn’t over.

 

Positive Expectations Only Please

Tags

challenges, fear, journeys, new manuscript, positivity, thoughts, writing

I DID IT!

I started a new manuscript. The sequel to DOORS is happening.

It has been a LOOOOOOONG time since I wrote a full length ms. A looooooooong time. So when I approached this one I had to sneak up on it…

Two days ago, I just started it. Just wrote words without worrying about anything. Then BAM! The dreaded first words are finished. The anxiety I experience when beginning something new vanished in a puff of HA! TAKE THAT!

But I have a long way to go. I can barely see the path stretching out in front of me, let alone see the end. I have notes of scenes, dialogue, character arc, new worlds, new characters, and blah, blah, blah. The final picture wavers in my mind and as I embark on the journey, I have made myself a few promises.

I WILL…

MOVE FORWARD EVERYDAY.

LOVE the characters and the journey.

LOOK to my friends for encouragement when self-doubt creeps in. (Because a very fabulous Twitter friend reminded me that I am not alone and have a cheering section… the best one ever!)

FORGIVE myself when the writing doesn’t happen.

NOT WORRY about word counts.

NOT JUDGE every word.

ACKNOWLEDGE that it’s a first draft.

EMBRACE the mistakes.

GET the story out.

LOOK FORWARD to the time when I get to revise.

LAUGH at the awkward transitions.

PUSH away the stress.

HAVE A FABULOUS TIME.

Well, maybe not quite like THAT… but close.

We all face challenges, things that make us want to curl up in a ball in a corner.

But if we find the joy, WE CAN DO ANYTHING!

I write because I love it. And though I can’t completely promise that there will be no tears, I will find my way back from the edge of madness and fear. We all creep up to the line of giving up and let the light pull us back. In the end, it’s the good in life that keeps us going.

Positivity is easier to carry than fear.

 

Comfortable Shorts

Tags

a new path, fear, getting out of a rut, procrastination, short stories, writing

I find myself finished with my movie series and wondering what to blog about. *stares at screen*

However, one subject has invaded my mind.

Short stories.

These marvelous little bits of fiction have taken over my life. Invaded my brain. Become a comfy place to live.

Ten years ago when I began to learn about how to get published… the idea of publishing a short story was introduced to my head. I found a short story competition that called for UP TO 2000 words. BUT I CAN’T WRITE ANYTHING SHORT ARE YOU NUTS?

But I did. And it taught me that every word is important in the telling of the story, that extra phrases bog down the tale. Strong writing isn’t full of words, it pulses with images and emotion.

And I began my journey to being a short story writer.

After two years of rewriting two manuscripts, I wanted a break. Last October I wrote all sorts of flash fiction, my first attempt at anything under 500 words. And had a blast! And realized that I really liked (and was capable) of writing horror.

I wrote WEAKNESS for The Pen and Muse blog. Last November I wrote four stories for the ProjectREUTSway competition, one of which will appear in their upcoming anthology and the other three will appear on their blog sometime this spring and summer. Last March, my short fiction piece CLICK was featured by Julie Hutchings on her blog DeadlyEverAfter.

I just kept going. I’M ON A ROOOOLLLLLLLL!

Every time I discovered a call for short story submissions, I thought I CAN DO THAT!

I submitted three others, two of which have been accepted. The third, I decided to sub elsewhere too, just because it’s been a few months. And I have two more (a frozen fairy tale fantasy and a madness, creepy horror) I am working on to submit this month and next.

Whoa… so upcoming… two stories in two different anthologies and another in an online literary magazine. Three more on a blog. And we’ll have to be patient and wait for news of the other three.

I LOVE THIS!

But… am I using short stories as an excuse not to write the thing I should be?

Yup. I do believe so. But in my defense, I am pretty darn good at the shorts. And they are helping to get my name out there. At least my procrastinating was somewhat… good. Right?

We all know, once Kathy is comfy, she is less likely to move.

Shorts are comfy. I know them. But after these two stories, I’m throwing my shorts away. For a while anyway. I do have edits for DOORS that will eventually appear in my in-box. And the sequel waits, forever forming in my brain.

I will crawl out of my rut, even though it is a REALLY nice rut, and try to forge my way through something new.

NOT SOMETHING NEW?!?!?!?!

We all have to do it. What kind of life would we have if we never set foot on a different path? What kind of people would we be if we never accepted a challenge?

I don’t want to know.

So go forth! Try something new!

BE THE BEST YOU EVER!