Not So Much an ‘If’ Thing as a ‘When’

Tags

goals, not if but when, succeeding, thoughts

‘Ifs’ can dominate thoughts. If this happens, if I can do it, if the planets align…

if…

If…

IF…

When the ‘ifs’ move in, doubt comes with it. Frustration follows. Stress. Emotions crumble.

That little-bitty word can knock down towers of confidence, that stuff we work so hard to build, that stuff that teeters ever so closer to the edge of falling away.

So, we burn the ‘ifs’ with fire. Set them ablaze and try on a new word. WHEN.

When it happens. When I do it. Visualize the beautiful picture you will create when all the work is done.

‘When’ holds hope. ‘When’ carries possibilities.

‘Ifs’ path winds down a hill to an end. ‘If’ will let you down, release its grip on your hand and flutter off into nothing.

‘When’ climbs ever upward, wrapping around your heart and pulling you to where you want to go.

Though the journey of ‘when’ can twist and turn into uncertainty, the bright light at the top never fades. We’ll slow now and then. We’ll fall. We’ll stop to huddle in the shadows and cry. We’ll step from the trail to take a break, maybe go on vacation. The road won’t be easy or straight. The path won’t go the way we think, or hope. But we’ll keep going holding tight to the ‘when’.

Because it will happen. When it does, we’ll celebrate. When we reach our goals, we’ll throw confetti, maybe bake cookies.

Then we’ll find a new ‘when’. A new goal. Because life isn’t a set of stairs leading to a top. Life doesn’t have an end. There’s always another step.

So stomp on the ‘ifs’ and tell yourself ‘when’. Let yourself have bad days. Let yourself fall. Let ‘when’ help you back up and you will succeed. With the powerful magic of ‘when’, anything is possible.

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New Year, New…You?

Tags

be you, goals, happiness, new year, thoughts

New year, new you!

I’ve heard this a lot. Every January 1st.

It’s a nice thought. That we can head into the new year and just…be someone else. Suddenly do things differently.

Though each year, I find that I am still the same old me. The same fears and doubts. The same bad habits. The same crazy, weirdness all wrapped up in moments of anxiety and depression and fun. The same girl living in a world asking it to love her…OMG I WENT ALL NOTTING HILL.

Save me.

I look back on last year and I guess I did stuff. I wrote stuff. I submitted stuff. I feel as though I was holding my breath. Did I accomplish every thing I wanted? Nope.

As I head into this year, I will write stuff. Maybe hear about the stuff I submitted. Still be the weird me who overthinks and forgets to just be. Maybe I will stop holding my breath. Maybe.

I will have moments where I AM DOING SO GOOD LOOK AT ME.

I will have moments where I SUCK AND I AM A FAILURE AND OMG WHAT AM I DOING WHO AM I.

New me? Nope. Just me. But being me is fine. I am working on making me better every day.

Resolutions? Goals?

Not really. They never work for me. They feel like weights around my neck, holding me down instead of setting me free. I want to remember to enjoy myself. I want to make me a bit better every day. And the days where I can’t? Those are okay.

One breath at a time.

I have things I want to do. I will do my best. And when I am pretty sure I am not doing my best, that I could do so much more if only this and I should that, I will remind myself that the ‘if only’s’ and ‘shoulds’ can go jump in a river. Those will hold me back. Those will steal my happiness.

Life is nothing without happy. Stress comes and goes. Fear is a liar. Happy is forever.

New year, new me?

New year…and me, along for the ride, ready to move forward however I can with my hands in the air and a smile on my face.

 

No Judgement Zone

Tags

being supportive, do your best, Fitbit, friends, goals, no judgements, steps

A while ago, I posted about my new friend Buffy…my Fitbit. You can read it here.

Together, Buffy and I aren’t out to conquer the world. We aren’t out to show people how awesome we are…cause we’re not, we’re just us.

And enough of speaking of my Fitbit and me as “We”.

I still love this gadget strapped to my wrist. I love how she lets me know my heart rate, my calorie burn, helps track my calorie intake (when I tell her what I ate…hehe).

And I have joined a few challenges, where groups see who can get the most steps during the workweek or the weekend.

Then I found my fabulous friend Jolene from The Midnight Society and, well…tweets happened.

1. What I’ve learned this week:

Don’t ever challenge @KathleenPalm to a step challenge. She will destroy you…and your soul. ❤️💀❤️ ~Jolene

2. Don’t worry I’m only TWENTY THOUSAND steps behind @KathleenPalm and it’s only Tuesday. I’m getting owned. ~Jolene

and…

3. I AM ALMOST 30,000 STEPS BEHIND @KathleenPalm LIKE WTF ~Jolene

And we laughed!

4. RIGHT LIKE I HAVE AS MANY AS IT TAKES TO GET TO PIZZA. NO MORE. ~Jolene

And I cheered her to do her best and not to worry I wouldn’t destroy her soul…not all of it.  

Then yesterday two more of my Twitter friends, Rena and Brett, were pulled into our Fitbit conversation.

5. @BookSquirt @KathleenPalm The Fitbit app. We have a challenge going and she is murdering me. ~Jolene

No murdering! *hides bloody knife* 

6. @JoleneHaley @KathleenPalm This is why I won’t add her as a friend on Fitbit. ~Rena

They hesitated to be my friends. Because of my steps. Because theirs weren’t as high… 

No.

BE MY FRIEND! This thing on our wrists does not make us enemies. It makes us each others’ cheerleaders. It helps us be the best us we can be. It’s not about the most steps, those are just numbers and numbers don’t get to rule our lives. Feeling good about ourselves does. Encouraging others, laughing, being together is what’s important.

And we are now ALL FRIENDS and learned that Brett’s grandma walks LIKE EVERYWHERE and is beating us all. I think we’re all smiling now. All happily linked through steppage and technology. I love seeing them as friends on my Fitbit, makes me feel like I am not alone as I go through my day.

All the Fitbit people out there UNITE! Find the way this little gizmo works for you and don’t worry about everyone else. Don’t overthink. Just have fun.

Here in Fitbit land, I have a no judgement policy. Because, I certainly don’t want to be judged.

Maybe let this way of thinking enter every aspect of our lives. We could be happier. It’s life. LIVE IT!

 

It’s a Miracle!

Tags

goals, no more fear, thoughts, word count, writing

It’s a miracle that I finally got to blogging today? Well, yes, that.

But no.

My writing. My sitting on the couch and typing words. Before I began this manuscript, I was scared. I hadn’t written anything new (other than short stories) for years. I had drafts to revise and happily did so, but when it came to staring at a blank page…I panicked.

I knew I could write a book, because I had done so in the past, but the idea was foreign. Weird. HOW DID I DO THIS BEFORE I DON’T KNOW!

But I did it, slowly.

I put no pressure on myself. No word counts to achieve. No judgement if I couldn’t work my way through that transition. No worry about it being crap… dude, that’s what first drafts are.

I kept at it.

And now…I have found myself at a point where the fear has left. I have been writing consistently. My word count rises at a steady pace, not super fast rocket pace, but not too shabby. I do stare at the screen plenty, searching for the next word or scene, but I’m no longer afraid that my brain will let me down.

I’ve accepted how I work best. Instead of screaming at myself all day to write, I let myself have the time to workout, to do all the chores, to know I will get to the words. A bit of balance between all the things has appeared. I have allotted myself reading time and soon I will be adding drawing time, because I miss it. I write best after dinner, even though I do have the document open during the afternoon, the words flow better after the laundry is done, dinner is eaten and the kitchen is clean, when the dog falls asleep (seriously that is important!) and life slows down.

And now I have a crazy mission. To finish this draft before I get into developmental edits for DOORS. Can I do it?

Maybe.

I will do my best.

And for now I will be happy with my little miracle.

 

 

 

Writing Sprints… For Joggers Too!

Tags

fear, goals, new things, sprints, thoughts, Twitter, word count, writing

I’ve been around Twitter for a while. I’ve seen so many people hook up and do writing sprints. And I always thought…how nice, but no way. The pressure must be terrible. They must be watching the clock, wondering how many words they can get…will it be enough words…what if they only get two?

So I never participated, until last night.

I have been having problems putting butt in chair. I don’t always open that word doc. I am easily distracted by snacks, pets, TV, and, heck, I’ll even clean to put off the inevitable typing words that might suck, words that might not make sense, words that might not tell the story lurking in my mind.

Cause that’s really what this procrastination is…fear.

My fear of failure is not a secret. I scream about it at the top of my lungs. So I am working of trying different things to get over it.

Last month I began jotting down my WIP word count at the end of each day, not to reach a certain number, but to see the number go up. I found myself writing so I could write a higher number.

But that wasn’t enough…

Last night, when the fabulous Jolene Haley (go follow her!) asked who was up for sprinting, I said YES before my uncertainty grabbed hold of my brain and pushed me away from the challenge. If I have learned one thing, it’s to MOVE FASTER THAN YOUR FEAR! JUST DO IT!

I didn’t set a word count goal. That would have been too much for me, causing possible meltdown or spontaneous combustion. But I started at the set time and wrote until the end time. I did 250 words in 20 minutes.

I looked at the clock a lot at first, counting down the minutes. I mean how can twenty minutes GO SO FAST? Panic crept in, then I thought of the others in the group who would be back on Twitter to post their results. I thought of how we were all just doing our best and that any new words were good words. And my panic subsided.

I’m not a sprinter. I can’t just write without thinking, writing and writing to add a bajillion words, which is why I don’t NaNo. I stop and think. I stop to check my notes about my characters and worlds.

But I wrote. At my own happy pace.

Second round brought 450 words in 30 minutes.

And…WAIT I HAVE 700 new words?

Then we did 10 more minutes…well, I did 15, because the scene had to be finished and added another 250.

After each round we had a break. After each round we all celebrated each other’s accomplishments, no matter the word count. Goals were reached. Gifs were posted. Friends were made.

My next new thing is to go to the library for an hour during the day to escape the distractions that plague me at home. There’s no eating, laundry, dog who wants to play, or cleaning at the library. As long as I can stay away from ALL THE BOOKS…

If you get stuck, open you eyes to all the possibilities, try things you would normally run from. Scene by scene, chapter by chapter, word by word, we’ll get these things drafted.

I tried something new. And it worked.

And it didn’t kill me, which is most important, because a couple people might miss me.

 

NaNoWriMo Craziness has Begun

Tags

Believe, goals, move forward, NaNoWriMo, possibilities, word count, writing

It’s November!

For writers everywhere that means National Novel Writing Month. People are sitting their butts in their favorite chairs with cups of their favorite beverage in hopes of having 50,000 new words staring from computer screens at the end of these thirty days.

Sound like a lot? Cause it is.

For the last month, I have been reading tweets as those participating prepare. Some create extensive outlines. Others have general plans. A few are just going to wing it. Word counts run rampant on Twitter. Daily goals have been set.

And the fun began last Sunday. I am not a part of the craziness. I do not NaNo.

Why? Too much pressure. With daily goals and the looming deadline of 50K words… I would panic and fail. I know me. This would happen. At the end, I would be a quivering mass of blah with a bunch of words that make no sense. I choose not to be that. My writing process does not allow for this challenge. I’m okay with that.

For everyone who takes on this crazy challenge, I applaud you.

Whether you get to that magic number or not, BRAVO for giving it a go!

It’s been a few days and tweets are positive. Goals are being met. Stories are progressing. The general feeling is upbeat and numbers are high.

This trend probably won’t continue. In a week or so, tweets will begin to show panic. Goals slip away. Doubt nibbles at the positivity. Life throws strangeness into the mix. Exhaustion creeps in. Maybe the story gets out of hand. Suddenly everything that has been written screams that it doesn’t work. Maybe the ms would be better in a different POV or tense.

The questions multiply. The doubt grows. Will what exists at the end of the month be worth having?

YES! IT WILL!

AND I WILL BE HERE TO CHEER YOU ON!

I WILL BE HERE REMINDING YOU THAT YOU ARE…

To get through NaNo, there must be writing. Let the words flow. Maybe you can stick to the plan, maybe not, it won’t matter. Just keep writing. 50K in a month is not achieved through questioning.

You didn’t reach your goal one day? Relax, don’t sweat it.

Put it behind you and keep moving forward. This is not the month to focus on what might have been, what you should have done. This is the time to take what you have and build on it.

No showers for a month? No problem.

Kids are in charge of making their own dinner? They are learning to be independent.

The house becomes covered in a layer of dust? Adds cushion…comfort.

Your family forgets what you look like? They’ll remember eventually.

Because the month will end.

Will you hit that magic 50K number? Maybe. Maybe not.

But you will have words, new words. Words that will always be there for you to mold into whatever they decide they want to be, next week or next year. Whenever.

Hold onto that thought as you type away, reaching for the stars. You are creating possibilities, mixing the clay that will someday be brilliance.

Whether writing goes like this…

or more like this…

Whether you end the day in a state of…

or…

or…

or…

or…

I will be here to tell you to KEEP GOING! I might not be joining you in achieving 50K, but I will be striving to add as many words as I can to my WIP.

So, go forth my NaNo-ers as you NaNo and don’t look back.

 

I’m NOT Setting Goals… No One Can Make Me!

Tags

comparing to others, fear, goals, imagination, joy, living without goals, panic, stress, thoughts, writing

So I recently posted about getting into better habits. My brain immediately screamed…

SET DAILY GOALS!

MAKE A SCHEDULE!

PLAN YOUR LIFE!

FOCUS!

Wait… NO! Are you kidding, brain? We’ve tried this before. Do you want me to end up completely bonkers?

But… there are people, you’ve seen the posts on Twitter about goals to write 2K words a day. You’ve seen the people who write 5K (even 10K) words a day! You see all the people out there burning through their ms with passion, with gusto, with fabulous speed and brilliance! You’ve seen the people who have a schedule and get up at strange hours like 5am (seriously though I don’t think that time exists) and write words! Don’t you want to be like them?

Well…

Don’t you want to push past this fear you have of new words and write all the things you have in your head?

Well…

PLAN! SCHEDULE! GOALS!

(I do realize I had a conversation with myself right here, so thank you for attending Kathy-Talks-To-Herself Theater… showtimes vary, but happen everyday.)

*ahem* *straightens T-shirt*

I admire everyone with word count goals. I admire the writers who can get up early and add words. I have been falling into the void of LOOK-AT-THAT-PERSON-THEY-ARE-BETTER-THAN-ME-I-MUST-BE-FAILING. This is dangerous ground.

If I tell myself that I must write so many words a day… I panic.

If I make a schedule and something happens to derail it… I panic.

If I plan my life… I panic.

Believe me. No one wants that.

Relax, me! Things will work out. I will get back to writing and do my thing and all will be well. For some reason my personality does not allow plans or goals. I put extra stress on myself (perhaps a bit of that darn perfectionist) and get nothing done.

This ms is going so slow. I am having issues with the put butt in chair and write action. This bothers me! Why? Why can’t I do this? I like… heck, I love this writing thing!

BAH!

When I sat, stopped yelling at myself, and looked at the problem, I found an answer. I haven’t lived in my worlds long enough. I haven’t had lengthy conversations with my characters (old and new). This Darkness thing… there’s history it hasn’t revealed to me yet. There’s characters I need to meet, and worlds I need to explore. So I’m going back to brainstorming, writing all the ideas, creating a calendar, maybe sketching, and living in the worlds of my imagination.

My imagination is a happy place, even if it does contain a bit of creepiness. I will find my joy there. And when those good feelings fill me, I’ll write it all down in a spectacularly rough and crappy first draft. Just as it should be.

Yes, thank you, Hogwarts! They know brilliance happens in revisions.

But no daily goals. I’ll get done what I get done without stress.

Life is too short to live it in a spiky bubble of YOU MUST, at least for me. No plans. No goals. No self-imposed schedule. Just me and what I do, when I do it.

 

 

 

Achievement Unlocked!

Tags

accomplishments, busy, deadlines, goals, thoughts

Hello, September!

A month ago, I stared out at August and nearly fell over at the list waiting for me to complete it. Personal goals. Writing deadlines. Scheduled events. Holy mind-blowing adventures, friends!

I posted my first book review on my blog last month. I finished edits for two stories that will appear in the upcoming Reuts anthology. I wrote a story for the upcoming haunted house showcase for the Pen and Muse blog. I finished revising Doors (again) and sent it off to pitchwars. My Doors query looks better than ever. I critiqued a couple of stories and a MG manuscript for friends.

My daughter celebrated her 12th birthday this month. A new Dr. Who arrived.

What a month.

And I survived. Actually, I thrived. Sure panic threatened to consume my mortal soul, but my crazy, magical weirdness kept it at bay. Writing is my life. I want it to be my life forever. The challenge was met and conquered. My productivity last month gives me reason to smile.

I am lazy at heart. Procrastination is my spec-ee-al-ity… (as said in voice of little old man from Neverending Story, you know the one that observes the Oracle?).

As much as I doubt my talent, it is my talent and I came out of this month with some pretty darn good (and creepy) words. By golly.

Now… pitchwars mentees are announced on Wednesday. I don’t expect to be chosen, but am interested in who is. I love to cheer on my friends.

And then there is this feeling swirling deep in my mind. My words are out there, waiting for judgement. Something lurks in the near future, forming in the unknown. When it all come together, what will it bring. Pain? Joy? Both?

So through my new calm I have discovered after completing ALL THE THINGS, anxiety buzzes in my head. For now I’m good. Suddenly, I’m not in the kitchen looking for food every two minutes. Yes, last month there was much comfort eating. I am not ashamed.

For everyone out there, working towards deadlines and goals, you got this! For those of us enjoying the calm after the storm, remember, more storms will arrive. Hopefully, all the chaos brings joy, a sense of accomplishment, even with the moments of panic and tears.

Carry on!