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Finding Faeries

~ My continuing mission to explore … magic

Finding Faeries

Tag Archives: marriage

Absence

14 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by Kathleen Palm in Thoughts

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

absence makes the heart forgetful, alone, connections, life, marriage, relationships, thoughts

robinhoodabsencemakes

This is from Disney’s Robin Hood, one of my very favorite movies. My college roommate and I watched it at least 348595739323 times. Seriously.

Does anyone remember how Maid Marion responds?

robinhoodabsence

All the laughs this movie has given me, this phrase sticks with me the most. Because I live this and I have learned that, for me, absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

Marriage is hard. It takes work. I do not believe in happily ever after.

I believe in love. I believe in communication. I believe in building relationships and that the roller coaster of life can make this difficult.

I don’t mind being alone. I like it. I need to be alone. I will happily slip into my own world whenever given the chance. And when I’m alone too long…it’s harder for me to go back to the relationships in my life.

My heart grows forgetful.

But, after a while, it starts to ache.

I suddenly need someone to be close to me, to love me, to make me feel loved…and I find that I don’t have the skills to make it happen.

Like I said…forgetful.

I fall deeper into a dark hole…maybe I’m not worth loving, maybe no one cares, maybe so many things. Bad things.

I scream at myself to fight for myself. To talk. To say all the things out loud. To crawl out of the dark place.

It comes down to one thing. I have to love myself enough to fight for me.

Back in my twenties, well, I barely knew me. I didn’t function well in the real world. It wasn’t a fact of traveling the path I was on…I couldn’t even see a path. All the things I didn’t know…makes my head spin.

In my thirties, I gained a bit of strength, learned what I wanted to be and where I might fit in the world. I had kids who needed me to do real world things. I finally found an independent me.

Now in my forties, I like me much better, though the self-worth problems still haunt me. But, dude, if I want something done, I’ll do it. I have places I go. People to see. I have a life, a purpose.

Leaving me alone when I was twenty-something, meant leaving a shell. I was nothing without someone else. I waited to be alive.

In my thirties, I pulled away from that.

Now, if you leave me alone too long…I’ll be me. I’ll dive into my world and disappear, happy in me, in not having to live up to anyone else’s expectations.

But my life is not just me. I chose to get married and have kids. They are part of me too. Getting married in your early twenties when you don’t really know yourself means stepping into a roller coaster car and not being able to see the tracks. You have no idea how much you will change. When I was a kid, I thought I’d hit some magic age… twenty-something…and BINGO be happy, have a life, know who I am.

Well, no. That’s the real shocker when you “grow-up”. You don’t ever grow-up. You don’t ever know everything. You don’t ever reach a point in your mental growth and say, “Great. I made it.”

And this post got a bit rambly. Welcome to my mood for the day. This should end well.

Anywho…

Absence. Makes my heart forgetful. Makes me question. But it also makes me remember to fight, for me and for the relationships that are important to me.

So I push past the forgetful, to seek out and strengthen the relationships I need to have. We weren’t put on this planet with all these other people to be alone.

 

Reconnecting

23 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by Kathleen Palm in Thoughts

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

anniversary trip, change, growing up, husbands, marriage, reconnecting, thoughts, wives

Last weekend hubs and I went away. See Wednesday will be our 20th wedding anniversary.

Dude. 20 years.

jonstewartbrainexplode

That’s almost half my life. Almost.

I banned our phones and computers from this little trip and we traveled a few hours north to Holland, Michigan. And had a GREAT time! We went to Holland State Park to see the snowy beach… snow on a beach! Ha!

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It was like my own Hallmark movie, walking up and down the streets of downtown Holland, wandering the cute shops, eating in all the yummy local food.

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And there was a tree lighting.

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EEEEEEEK!

We needed to get away from life. We needed to reconnect.

Because 20 years was a long time ago. And people change. When I think of 22 year old me, I cringe. This man of mine married a naïve, scared, uncertain girl. I had an art degree, but no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had a car, but wouldn’t go out into the new city I moved to, because of fear. At 22 I had no idea who I was.

I think this is true of most people in their early twenties, which kinda makes it odd to get married at that age. I was bound to change.

My tall, knight in drab camo loved that girl… but there was no guarantee that he would love the person I would become.

He watched me grow up, become me.

Not that I went through any real drastic changes, overall I still fear dealing with people in the outside world, I still believe in magic, I still love my art. But I am a lot more independent. And with him working a lot, I easily go my own way and am very happy by myself.

And marriage isn’t a by yourself kind of deal.

So we spent the day just us, not talking about work or all the things that keep us apart, but holding hands and enjoying being together…being US.

Because US is what it’s all about.

wallflowergobepsychostogether

 

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Kathleen Palm, Author

Kathleen Palm, Author

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