Feedback…Ready Your Mind and Heart

Tags

comments, critiques, feedback, self doubt, thoughts, writing

Feedback. So necessary. And sometimes completely heart-breaking.

Comments for my MG are coming in.

We all know how to react, what to do. Read it. Step back. Let it all sink in. Calmly. Let your creative brain sort through the comments and figure out what helps the manuscript and what doesn’t. Logically look at what you’ve written and prepare to delete and add and change all the things.

And we know what really happens when you first read comments…

Before you can let them sit, before you can step back, before you put the wall around your heart.

Because WHAT AM I DOING WRITING A BOOK NO ONE LIKED IT AND THE WORDS DIDN’T DO WHAT I WANTED AND I AM FAILING I CAN’T POSSIBLE QUERY THIS IT IS AWFUL

Yeah, that.

I live there now.

For a minute…or two.

One person sent me feedback and I am a mess. And I know better.

I DO KNOW BETTER

Self-doubt is weighing me down at the moment. Writer-me is struggling. So many decisions. So many words. So many questions. Things I should do…am thinking of doing…choices I face.

I remember a time when my writing was moving forward…then it stopped, standing still, motionless…now I feel as if I am moving backwards, being swept away.

I struggle against the current. A force we all fight sometimes.

But we need feedback. We need to know how others react to what we do. Every time, we open the door for doubt, we unlock the fear of failure…possibly right after we got that sucker chained down.

But we don’t stop writing. We can’t. It’s who we are. It’s what we do.

Now I prepare to really think about this manuscript. Think about what I want it to be. Fix what didn’t work. Hopefully make it into what it is meant to be…because of the kindness of others who read it.

For Diana… #CPLove

Tags

Critique group, critique partners, encouragement, love, self doubt, thoughts

Diana is part of my lovely Sunday Skype critique group called The Walrus Writers. Yes, walrus. Don’t ask, long really strange story. Go find them on Twitter because they’re awesome. E.L. Wicker… Natasha Raulerson… and Diana Pinguicha (AND I TOTALLY JUST SPELLED HER LAST NAME CORRECTLY WITHOUT LOOKING!).

We take turns sending our work to everyone to receive all the comments… or duck out of our word sending responsibility, because there just aren’t any. We chat about our words, our fears, our problems in writing and real life. Mostly we laugh.

And most important, we encourage each other. We all write and read different books. Each of us is on a different section of the road of life, a different stage of our writing careers. We’re all on different paths (self-pub, agent, and small press) and it doesn’t matter. We are a team. There is so much love. Can you feel it?

CAN YOU?

CP LOVE!!!! WALRUSES FOREVER!!!!!

When one of us succeeds we all celebrate. When one of us struggles the rest of us feel it. And this is what I want to address today. The struggle.

For Diana,

Self-doubt stalks you like a shadow, hiding your dreams. The contests you enter aren’t going to give you what you want, forget them! That is not your path. So… eat your banana cake, then shove that darkness out of the way and find your dream shining, gleaming. It is yours to have, yours to take, yours to make come true. And you will. For even though the rejections gnaw at your faith, you are meant to write and your words will find their way to just the right person at just the right moment.

When?

That’s a mystery. But don’t forget to enjoy the journey.

For Diana.

Our video gamer girl.

Our dragon keeper.

Our kitty snuggler.

Our writer of fantasy and fabulously twisted character creator.

(Iriae is one of my all time favorite characters!)

I love the way you comment with swear words on my chapters and stories.

I love your laugh and your smile.

I love how you talk tech, even though I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I love that I get to be with you on your journey to make your dreams come true.

So when you forget to have fun and let life get you down, we will hold you up. We will remind you that you have talent pouring out of every pore. The future holds so much fabulousness for you. So query. Bring on each rejection, then set them on fire, knowing that each ‘no’ takes you a step closer to that one ‘yes’.

When it feels like it will never happen, take a breath, play a game, cuddle with all your pets… then keep writing.

You got this. I know. Because I am magic. (Or did you forget?)

Love,

Kathy

PS. I hope this makes up for not having a poem prepared last Sunday.

 

Let’s Talk about Stress… Bay-bee

Tags

Believe, friends, hope, self doubt, stress, support, thoughts, writing

So… yesterday, I kinda freaked out.

No biggie, I do this every once in a while when life seems impossible, when what I want is an inch (or a million miles) too far out of reach, and I begin to doubt my ability to grab hold of it and make it more than a dream, but a reality.

This goes for everything, not just writing. Everyone has dreams. Everyone has self-doubt, whether a tiny speck or a mountain stretching into outer space. We all struggle. Some of us might explode in rage. Others will curl up in a dark corner and throw M&Ms at themselves (my chosen method of “dealing”). Tears will roll. We will attempt to comfort with food, or perhaps working out (I suppose those people do exist).

But what we should do is talk. Let it out into the world. Somehow, when all our worries and fears are set free into the universe they lose their power. So after I sobbed hysterically, draped over the arm of my couch, I turned to my friends on Twitter and FB. I tried not to unload all of my fears, keeping my pity party to a minimum, but got enough out there that I got responses. Really, when we say things out loud, we want someone to say something back, kind words of encouragement or an acknowledgement that we are not the only ones struggling.

Writers united yesterday to give me a bit of a pep talk. One I desperately needed. One I will need again, I am certain. My wonderful CP even sent me a love-filled e-mail (WHILE ON VACATION, so I felt special). Twitter. Facebook. A day with my writers’ group allowed me to have fun and not think about all the problems spinning in my head.

So, when I sat down to revise last night, I got through two chapters and the problem chapters lurking in the beginning of the manuscript, well, I had enough faith to know that I would get to those and do the best I could.

That’s the magic… believing, doing the best you can. It works every time. And when it’s too hard to believe in yourself, others will carry you for a moment, allowing you to drink of their faith, of their joy. I hope I add as much magic to the lives of others as they have given to mine.

Will my dream ever come true. I honestly don’t know, but I HOPE, and will always hope. Thanks to all my friends… my cheerleaders, without them I would still be tossing chocolate at myself, muttering incoherently, while curled up in a corner. I hope you know who you are. I shall bake you all a cake.

When stress hits, find your support. It’s out there. Always believe.

 

 

After the Craziness… Midwest Writers’ Workshop

Tags

agents, Midwest Writers' Workshop, self doubt, thoguhts, writing

I survived my first writers’ conference.

Last Thursday I drove to Muncie, where I met up with two Twitter friends Rena @originallyrena and Jamie @Jamie_Adams22, and attended class after class after class. Wow!

I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea how I would react. And my reaction was not what I ever would have guessed.

Let me begin by explaining… I did not sign up for a query or manuscript critique or to pitch to an agent. I was looking for a low stress experience. The agents were great. They weren’t set before us and then whisked away under heavy guard, but mingled among us, ate with us, chatted. Seriously, did those brave souls feel at all like prey? When an agent asked to sit at our table after dinner one night, we nearly fell out of our chairs. The faculty was amazing, always willing to talk, to share what they know. Our knowledgeable teachers burst with insights and facts.

By the end of Friday, my head buzzed.

By the end of Friday, I wondered what the heck I thought I was doing mingling with all the cool. I am not cool.

By the end of Friday, the amount of talent in the room made me want to curl up in a corner. Listening to the agents, I suddenly realized they would never want to represent me. I slipped further into a dark place the more words of wisdom shuffled into my head.

This was the last thing I expected. Granted I had no clue how I would react. I hoped for more of a “Yea for all the info! I can do anything! I am ready to write!” But sadly, no. I was overwhelmed. I was intimidated.

I questioned the very idea that I could be a writer.

Weird. I know. And my dear friends jumped to my side telling my I was crazy. I was a writer.

I am a writer.

One of a writers’ constant companions is self-doubt. Tucked away in my living room cut off from the world, I shove the doubt in a dark corner, but faced with the plethora of writers out there in the real world…

ALL looking for that agent…

ALL looking for that book deal…

ALL hoping and wishing and having SO MUCH TALENT…

The demons hiding in the shadows of my mind jumped into the light, waving their twisted limbs and flashing evil grins.

I listened to every piece of wisdom. I talked to other writers (yes, people I didn’t know!). I had a good time. I learned writerly stuff. I was lucky to get to hang out with my Twitter buddies and get to know them better.

I arrived home with my mind spinning and my little friend self-doubt sitting on my shoulder. But I don’t have time for him and all his depressing talk.

I have blogs to do, tours and a review. I have two stories to edit for Reuts. I have a manuscript to revise ONE LAST TIME before pitchwars and sending it off into the world. I have a story to write for the PEN and MUSE blog for their haunted house collection. Ahem… Sign up for that it sounds SO FUN! I am waiting to hear about a short I sent off months ago. I am waiting to hear about a ms.

So self-doubt… GO AWAY!

I am a writer. Without the words I would be nothing.

Anyone else, dear readers, who have had a strange reaction to things like writers’ conferences? Or is it just me?

FYI- I have begun to reread HP to make myself feel better. And there is chocolate.

 

The Magic of Teenagers

Tags

change, faith, fear, hope, individuality, life, self doubt, teenagers, thoughts

I know. I know. What in the world can I possibly find magical about teenagers? But hang with me for a sec.

To say I hated being a teen would be a nice way of putting it. Really, being the awkward, quiet, weird kid, cowering at the back of the class trying to disappear, wasn’t ever a goal of mine, I was really good at it though. Serious self-doubt and low self-esteem … yes, that was (and still is) me. Kids called me names. I was certain there was something wrong with me. Why didn’t that portal open up and take me somewhere I truly belonged?

No, don’t blow up the balloons for the pity party! That’s just how it was.

Being a teenager sucks – standing at the edge of the cliff of life, gazing out at the world wondering how in the world you’ll find a spot in the chaos. To choose what to be, who to be. Teens face the biggest questions of life, their brains having no idea what to do with those questions. So teens try to find a voice, find themselves. In their search for independence, there will be eye-rolling and ‘attitude’ (a word a have a deep hatred of). Why do they stomp off and slam doors? Because they have no idea how to express the emotions in their spinning heads. They are trying to form their own opinions, say what’s on their minds, live life their own way, because they don’t want to be told what to do or how to think – and who does? They need to discover what works and what doesn’t on their own. Hello, mistakes! What a perfect time to make them! When parents are there to offer a helping hand and say, “Oops. Maybe try something different next time.” By the time they venture out into the world, they’ll be ready.

However, we adults might not.

Sending kids out into the world is scary. What if they make bad choices, end up falling into darkness? This fear can lead to control. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about rules. Rules are different, rules are good. Control … telling them how to live. Encourage them to find their own way, because let’s be honest, we want then to move out! And never move back in! Surviving mistakes will give them confidence. Teach them to love themselves even though they make mistakes, even though they don’t fit in at school, because in the end we are who we are, and, maybe, not fitting in was just right. It was for me. If I had the chance to go back and tell teenage-me that being weird was okay, no better than okay … it was PERFECT, I wouldn’t go. One, I wouldn’t believe me being an obvious evil clone or shape-shifting alien. Two, being that girl brought me here and I LOVE it here. In the end we need to learn to accept ourselves and that takes time.

Being a parent isn’t about control. It’s about encouragement. It’s about acceptance. When they slam the door and roll their eyes, celebrate their need to be themselves and help them express their emotions. Don’t fear what the world will do to your child. Be excited about what your child can do for the world.

Being a teen isn’t about fitting in and being perfect. It’s about facing fear and finding a voice, which takes time, a bit of magic, and a lot of believing.

I write this because of my teen friends, past and present whose houses are filled with yelling. I wish I could change it with a wave of my magic wand. However, I promise to help you find the power to make your lives better. I dedicate this to the teens who think no one cares because no one listens. I honor all the parents who go day by day, trying to understand, to accept, but feel on the verge of running away. All families are different, all kids are different. My wish is for everyone to find the way life works best and live it fully. Life truly is magic, don’t let it get buried under frustration and unhappiness.

What can you do to make your life better? Or maybe the life of someone else.

 

Believe

Tags

Believing, Bridge to Terabithia, dreams, illustrating, life struggle, self doubt, writing

“You’ve got to keep your mind wide open, all the possibilities. You’ve got to live with your eyes open, believe in what you see.”
From the soundtrack to ‘The Bridge to Terabithia’

Not only a great movie, but a wonderful book all about one of my favorite words … believing.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is believe in yourself. I am struggling with this right now. Why? Fear.

Self doubt is rising, threatening to drown me. This is not new. I’ve been here before, haven’t we all?

I have a fabulous chance to do something I’ve always dreamed to do … have one of my drawings in a book, adding to the writer’s wonderful words. This is why I studied art in college!
They would love to use my talent, but my drawings do not translate well. The edges need to be better defined. Do I have experience with Photoshop?

No. Oh good heavens … you want me to experiment with technology?

Luckily, my hubs has the program on his work computer, limiting when I can use it, but it is there. So I stared at the screen and all the little symbols. I read tutorials, but … whut? … is this written in English?

So … I did something. The drawings look different. Am I going to be able to do this? I don’t know. I wait for hubs to get home so we can try again, so I can e-mail something … because I HAVE TO TRY, TO GIVE IT EVERYTHING. I need this.
Since I failed Photoshop, I decided to create more defined edges by adding ink to my drawing. Late last night, I fought back a wave of fear … AM I TOTALLY MESSING UP ONE OF MY FAVORITE DRAWINGS?

Ug.

On top of it editing my WIP is going slower than I thought it would. Believe it or not … this manuscript’s theme is believing. *headdesk*

What I hoped would be fun has turned into a monster with claws. Is the little I figured out on Photoshop enough to make my drawing something they can use? Is this dream going to come true?

I need a box of cookies.

I keep bursting out into tears.

I can’t focus.

I’m trying to keep my mind open … believing is magic. But in this moment, it feels out of reach.
Cross your fingers, kids, as I continue my adventure into the unknown.