We Don’t Have to Hear the Kissing Parts: YA and Romance

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first love, kissing, love stories, romance, teenagers, thoughts, writing, writing for teens, writing for young adults, YA, Young adult books

Most people who know me know that I don’t do kissing. I don’t do romance. The genre doesn’t click with me. Not that I don’t enjoy a good love story now and then, but most of the time, I don’t buy into what I’m reading or seeing. It doesn’t feel real.

That’s just me.

However, romance is everywhere. It is unavoidable. Now I don’t read straight romance books, but when the kissing invades (like a bit of peanut butter on my chocolate) my horror or fantasy I accept it, though it doesn’t always add anything to the story for me.

After critiquing the first part of a YA horror manuscript, there were a couple of times where the mc, a girl, went all swoony over a guy. I commented that it didn’t fit with the mc’s character…well, with the ms really. The author was so glad I thought that! He added those in because he had been told that romance was NEEDED in a YA.

Well…let me tell you what I think about that…

Needed?

Let me tell you about a teenage me. Now, YA wasn’t a thing when I was a kid. I was all about high fantasy/sword and sorcery stuff. Fighting and magic. A glorious world in which to escape. If YA was around way back then and every book I read held love stories, held the perfect girl looking for the perfect guy and finding him…I would have felt more broken than I already did.

Broken, Kathy? What do you mean by this?

Teenage me didn’t date. She didn’t talk to people much. She didn’t fit in. I thought something was wrong with me because I wasn’t like my peers. I didn’t have a group of friends. I didn’t have guys talk to me, school dances were pretty much my nightmare. And when a guy did ask me to a dance (after his first pick turned him down)…I said yes, but pretty much panicked and hid from him during the event. So does YA NEED romance? Nope. Teenage me didn’t need anyone showing her how much she didn’t fit. She needed stories of kids who were searching for themselves, not for their first kiss.

Kissing wasn’t important to me. Though I thought it should be. Forming relationships with boys wasn’t important to me…though I thought it should be. No one showed me it was okay to not care about that. No one told me it was fine to be different, to be me.

For teenagers relationships with people outside their families start to become important. They start to connect to people, look to make connections because they begin to understand that soon they will go out and merge with the world. But being a teenager is so much more than that. It’s about taking the first steps towards who you will be. It’s about questioning what you believe. It’s about realizing you will have to find a place in the world where you belong, exciting and gosh diggety darned scary.

When I write a teen character, I can’t help but channel teenage me. The girl who wants to love herself, not some hot boy. The girl who dreams of finding where she belongs in the world, not of touching some guy’s muscular chest. Not that I haven’t had a character have a crush, and it was awkward and horrible just like I remember. Not that I haven’t had a character fall in love, (though I tried to stop her!) with her best friend for heavens sake…and it was scary and exciting and a bit weird, as it should be.

Does YA need romance? Nope. Because not all teenagers need it. I admit that most teens out there probably like to read the kissing, the head-over-heals sensation of first love, the stories of boys and girls and making connections. But not everyone. Not me. So I write for those people like me.

So when someone tells you that a certain category or genre NEEDS something…stop and think. Does it? Is there someone out there making up rules for every style of writing? Nope.

There’s you. There’s the words. There’s your characters and how they feel and what they think. And all of it is relevant. All of it is needed.

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Why Teenagers are My Favorite

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independent, make decisions, need to, parenting, should, teenagers, tuning adults out

When I tell people that I like teens best, I’m pretty sure they think I’m being sarcastic. But I’m not.

Remember being a teenager? It sucked. I would never go back. NEVER.

I love to talk to teens and watch other adults interact with them. I have two teenagers myself, it’s the best. I am a fairly hands-off type of parent. As soon as they could put on their own clothes, I was done involving myself with what they wear. As soon as they could put food in their own mouths, I happily let them take charge of eating. When they went to school, I helped where I was needed, signed what I had to, but their work was all on them.

Their lives. Not mine.

I’ve never said…clean your room, did you get your homework done, or no, you can’t spend your money on that.

I believe in choices. I believe making our own decisions is key to becoming the best people we can be. If we mess up? We deal with the consequences and we learn.

Do I want to see my kids hurt or fail or end up on the wrong path?

Nope. But I will let them.

Because seeing them get back up on their own, seeing them find the way that works for them, and watching them become more confident with each step pretty much makes me the happiest.

Struggle is what being a teenager is.

This is why they’re my favorite. This is why I write for them. Because the fight is real. Teens might not have a mortgage or full time job, but they have their own problems, their own lives. The in-between stage of life is an important part of the journey, one where they test the waters, test themselves, face fear and uncertainty.

Never belittle it by lecturing, by telling them they’ll understand when they’re older.

Stuck somewhere between childhood and being a member of adulthood is painful, and the more tools in their arsenal the better. They want to be independent. They want to be in control of everything, but they’re not. They’re living at home, with rules they think they don’t need and parents telling them what to do.

Don’t get me wrong. Rules are good. I have a few of those.

Teens look out at the world with the fear and excitement at having to one day enter it.

Parents are guides. We are there to show them options, and not to hinder their choices…to share our opinions, but not to get in the way of them forming their own.

Recently, I watched adults offer their opinions to a teen. This nineteen year old has had some problems, he’s gone against what he’s been expected to do, made choices that have caused big issues, and his past holds a deep sadness. He’s struggling, trying to find who he is and what he wants in this great wide world. I watched him shut down as the opinions flew. I watched his gaze drift to the window. Whatever he was thinking, he held it in, knowing it would lead to arguments.

You should…

You need to…

Phrases I heard over and over. Phrases that make me cringe.

What does he want? I don’t know. I don’t think he does, which is the joy of being that age. But I don’t think he needs people telling him what to do. I know they want to help. I know they don’t want him to fail. I know they are imparting wisdom that only comes with age.

But wisdom can’t be given…we all have to find the knowledge ourselves.

He, and all teens, need a bit a freedom to find their way. We, as adults, as parents, have to be able to let go of our fear, that they’ll fail, be unhappy, or worse, and let them live…let them become who they are meant to be.

I am not telling people how to parent. Dude. I have no idea what I’m doing most days. We all have to do what works for us, with all our differing personalities and opinions. And I am prepared to hear from all the parents who want to tell me that if they let their teens make their own decisions the world would explode. Go for it.

I ask people to think. Letting teens have moments that are their own, letting them be in charge of their destinies, will help them when they go out into the world to create their own lives. Cause my goal is for my kids to leave and not come back, well, maybe for visits.

 

The Magic of Teenagers

Tags

change, faith, fear, hope, individuality, life, self doubt, teenagers, thoughts

I know. I know. What in the world can I possibly find magical about teenagers? But hang with me for a sec.

To say I hated being a teen would be a nice way of putting it. Really, being the awkward, quiet, weird kid, cowering at the back of the class trying to disappear, wasn’t ever a goal of mine, I was really good at it though. Serious self-doubt and low self-esteem … yes, that was (and still is) me. Kids called me names. I was certain there was something wrong with me. Why didn’t that portal open up and take me somewhere I truly belonged?

No, don’t blow up the balloons for the pity party! That’s just how it was.

Being a teenager sucks – standing at the edge of the cliff of life, gazing out at the world wondering how in the world you’ll find a spot in the chaos. To choose what to be, who to be. Teens face the biggest questions of life, their brains having no idea what to do with those questions. So teens try to find a voice, find themselves. In their search for independence, there will be eye-rolling and ‘attitude’ (a word a have a deep hatred of). Why do they stomp off and slam doors? Because they have no idea how to express the emotions in their spinning heads. They are trying to form their own opinions, say what’s on their minds, live life their own way, because they don’t want to be told what to do or how to think – and who does? They need to discover what works and what doesn’t on their own. Hello, mistakes! What a perfect time to make them! When parents are there to offer a helping hand and say, “Oops. Maybe try something different next time.” By the time they venture out into the world, they’ll be ready.

However, we adults might not.

Sending kids out into the world is scary. What if they make bad choices, end up falling into darkness? This fear can lead to control. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about rules. Rules are different, rules are good. Control … telling them how to live. Encourage them to find their own way, because let’s be honest, we want then to move out! And never move back in! Surviving mistakes will give them confidence. Teach them to love themselves even though they make mistakes, even though they don’t fit in at school, because in the end we are who we are, and, maybe, not fitting in was just right. It was for me. If I had the chance to go back and tell teenage-me that being weird was okay, no better than okay … it was PERFECT, I wouldn’t go. One, I wouldn’t believe me being an obvious evil clone or shape-shifting alien. Two, being that girl brought me here and I LOVE it here. In the end we need to learn to accept ourselves and that takes time.

Being a parent isn’t about control. It’s about encouragement. It’s about acceptance. When they slam the door and roll their eyes, celebrate their need to be themselves and help them express their emotions. Don’t fear what the world will do to your child. Be excited about what your child can do for the world.

Being a teen isn’t about fitting in and being perfect. It’s about facing fear and finding a voice, which takes time, a bit of magic, and a lot of believing.

I write this because of my teen friends, past and present whose houses are filled with yelling. I wish I could change it with a wave of my magic wand. However, I promise to help you find the power to make your lives better. I dedicate this to the teens who think no one cares because no one listens. I honor all the parents who go day by day, trying to understand, to accept, but feel on the verge of running away. All families are different, all kids are different. My wish is for everyone to find the way life works best and live it fully. Life truly is magic, don’t let it get buried under frustration and unhappiness.

What can you do to make your life better? Or maybe the life of someone else.