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#sonofapitch, Adult, critique, thoughts, Women's fiction, writing
Son of a Pitch, round 2, begins! Welcome to Team Dark Side.
Eleven posts, for eleven entries. Four other blogs are hosting more! The comment section is for Son of a Pitch authors to leave their thoughts. So please do not comment unless you are a Son of a Pitch author. Thank you!
Onto entry 4!
Title: Trowel and Error
Category and Genre: Adult, Women’s Fiction
Word Count: 65,000
Query:
Eleanor Blake is an archaeologist hiding behind a boring desk job after a traumatic incident in the field. When she meets Tom Gage in a case of mistaken identity during a road trip, she sees the new relationship as a step forward. Eleanor soon discovers that learning to trust herself again is hard, and surrendering to love is harder. Finally pursuing a life of purpose and fulfillment, she finds that it may take her far away from Tom, and separate them permanently.
First 250 Words:
Eleanor Blake glanced with trepidation at the menacing clouds gathering on the horizon. She hated the thought of driving through a storm, but the prospect of delaying her journey was worse. Random gusts of wind buffeted the car and raindrops spattered the windshield. She fumbled for the wipers control in the unfamiliar vehicle, finding it just as the deluge hit.
Red lights glared and she tapped the brakes. The speed of the traffic slowed until it was stopped altogether. The car windows were fogged, the glass pebbled with raindrops, making it hard to see. But something was moving out there. A lone figure, obscured by a heavy pack, only jeans and a pair of hiking boots she imagined squelching through the puddles were visible. Eleanor was sympathetic, but every warning she had ever heard about hitchhikers clamored in her mind. Offering this stranger a ride might be kind, but that didn’t make it right. Not for her. The walker removed the pack and set it on the ground, looking into the distance. Water dripped from the end of a ponytail and ran down the back of a denim jacket. A ponytail? A woman!Her initial sympathy was rekindled, the sense of possible danger faded. She hit her directional signal and pulled over, pressing the button to lower the window.
“Can I give you a ride?”
The head turned and Eleanor’s eyes widened as a jolt of adrenaline flooded her stomach. The person looking back at her was a man.
And now my critique. Yes, I am doing it right now, if you don’t want to read my thoughts, stop here.
First, a disclaimer…
Hi, my name is Kathy. I am not a writing god or expert. I will tell you what works for me and what doesn’t. I will put in honest reactions. Please take the comments that make sense to YOU for YOUR ms. Please disregard any comments that aren’t relevant. I will ask a butt ton (seriously I don’t know exactly how much a butt ton is, but it’s a lot) of questions to spark your creative brain. Any questions that I ask that give you an AH-HA moment run with all those ideas! The questions that don’t send lightning to your mind…ignore. Please listen to all the other wonderfully talented people who will stop by.
Thank you for sharing your words. Your words are important. You are awesome!
Query:
Eleanor Blake is an archaeologist hiding behind a boring desk job after a traumatic incident in the field. (Too vague…what incident?) When she meets Tom Gage in a case of mistaken identity during a road trip (mistaken identity here is confusing…how does she meet him?), she sees the new relationship as a step forward (What relationship?). Eleanor soon discovers that learning to trust herself again is hard (Why? What happened that she doesn’t trust herself?), and surrendering to love is harder (why?). Finally pursuing a life of purpose and fulfillment (doing what?), she finds that it may take her far away from Tom, and separate them permanently.
First of all, this is too short for a query and too vague. I want a bit more detail for me to know her…why is she hiding behind a desk job? What happened that she can’t trust herself or fall in love? Then show me her falling in love, make it important. Then what happens that she could lose it? What does she have to choose between? Why is being separated permanently bad?
First 250 Words:
Eleanor Blake glanced with trepidation at the menacing clouds gathering on the horizon. She hated the thought of driving through a storm, but the prospect of delaying her journey was worse. Random gusts of wind buffeted the car and raindrops spattered the windshield. She fumbled for the wipers control in the unfamiliar vehicle, finding it just as the deluge hit. (I thought the storm was on the horizon? But it’s here already? And where is she going? Is where she’s going important? Is she nervous already without the thought of driving through a storm? Is the radio on? What does the car look like? Snack food on the seat next to her? Any little details can really make this come to life. The type of music she listens to or bag of M&Ms can help build character.)
Red lights glared and she tapped the brakes. The speed of the traffic slowed until it was stopped altogether. (where is she? By a big city?) The car windows were fogged, the glass pebbled with raindrops, making it hard to see. (Nice!) But something was moving out there. A lone figure, obscured by a heavy pack, only jeans and a pair of hiking boots she imagined squelching through the puddles were visible. (The figure being obscured by the pack confuses me a bit…is the pack on their back? Then how does that obscure them? Instead of telling us it’s a heavy pack, show us the hunched figure slowly moving, we’ll get that the pack is probably heavy. She can see jeans and hiking boots? How far away is the figure? If they are right by the road, would she be able to see their feet? The rain just started…would there be puddles and mud already?) Eleanor was sympathetic, but every warning she had ever heard about hitchhikers clamored in her mind. (amen, sister!) Offering this stranger a ride might be kind, but that didn’t make it right. (right? Or safe…or smart?) Not for her. The walker removed the pack and set it on the ground, (stretching their shoulders?) looking into the distance. Water dripped from the end of a ponytail and ran down the back of a denim jacket. (Are they facing away? Do they have a hat?) A ponytail? A woman! Her initial sympathy was rekindled, the sense of possible danger faded. She hit her directional signal and pulled over (If the stranger is on the side of the road and she is stopped in traffic…is it bumper to bumper?…why pull over? Can she pull over?) , pressing the button to lower the window.
“Can I give you a ride?”
The head turned and Eleanor’s eyes widened as a jolt of adrenaline flooded her stomach. The person looking back at her was a man. (Oh snap. Is this good? Bad? AH!)
Good set up. The title is cute! But I want to know Eleanor! A stranger in the rain is interesting, I want to know why he is wandering in the storm. But what about Eleanor? Why is she there? Where is she going? Who is she? If this stranger is trouble…we need to care about her so we keep reading to see what happens. We know she’s cautious, we know she will offer to help someone…but I want more. What about her mental state? Is she happy…nervous? Is this storm adding to her frustration or anxiety or is it annoying? Is she going somewhere good or possibly terrible? What is she facing in her life? What does she want? I know…that’s a lot for a page. Hints at these will help.
For the author of this entry…Feel free to comment on what I have said and you can certainly post revisions!
Again, THANK YOU for participating. Sharing your words and opening up for critique is difficult. We all are here to help you make your ms as shiny as possible. Good luck with all the writing!
Kathleen Palm 
Query:
You’ve got the basic direction of the query down, you just need to go back and fill in the motivation and reason for the conflict. I added some questions and thoughts to the body. Tinker with phrasing to add more punch when you’re closing. Good start. Best of luck. (And btw, your title made me smile.)
Eleanor Blake is an archaeologist hiding behind a boring desk job after a traumatic incident in the field (is it one that left her physically altered or emotionally scarred? We need to know more about what happened so we can better understand who Eleanor is). When she meets Tom Gage in a case of mistaken identity during a road trip, she sees the new relationship as a step forward. (Because the accident had held her back from living? Why is it a step forward? Forward toward what? Regaining her life/independence?) Eleanor soon discovers that learning to trust herself again is hard, and surrendering to love is harder.
Finally pursuing a life of purpose and fulfillment (is this coming from a new job? How does she finally reach this point?), she finds that it may take her far away from Tom, and separate them permanently. Amp this ending up. Is the conflict between love and job? Hone in on what she must choose between.)
First 250 Words:
Eleanor Blake glanced with trepidation at the menacing clouds gathering on the horizon. She hated the thought of driving through a storm, but the prospect of delaying her journey was worse. (why? the storm might get worse or there was an impending deadline she would miss –) She ventured on regardless? and random gusts of wind buffeted the car and raindrops spattered the windshield. (because the storm arrived? Otherwise – need transition) )She fumbled for the wipers control in the unfamiliar vehicle, finding it just as the deluge hit. (Love the stormy words you use – deluge, spattered, buffeted the car – good descriptions)
Red lights glared (where? Up ahead? In the distance?) and she tapped the brakes. The speed of the traffic slowed until it stopped. The car windows were fogged and pebbled with raindrops, making it hard to see. But something moved out there (There – of her passenger window? Front windshield? Where does she see the movement?). A lone figure, obscured by a heavy pack, only jeans and a pair of hiking boots she imagined squelching through the puddles were visible. (tinker with this sentence here for clarity) Eleanor was sympathetic, but every warning she had ever heard about hitchhikers clamored in her mind. Offering this stranger a ride might be kind, but that didn’t make it right. Not for her. (love the internal struggle here – so true to life !)The walker removed the pack and set it on the ground, looking into the distance. Water dripped from the end of a ponytail and ran down the back of a denim jacket. A ponytail? A woman! Her initial sympathy was rekindled, the sense of possible danger faded. She hit her directional signal and pulled over (Since the traffic was already stopped, would she need to pull over or just roll down window and call out?), pressing the button to lower the window.
“Can I give you a ride?”
The head (the traveler’s head? When you just list head – sounds a bit disembodied. Or you could use their? Of her?) turned. Eleanor’s eyes widened as a jolt of adrenaline flooded her stomach. The person looking back at her was a man.
Great stopping point – left me hanging and great start to your story. I made a few notes as I read with questions/thoughts. Good details and loved the storm set up.
All thoughts/suggestions/opinions are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing!
Kathy! Thank you so much for all your time and effort! I have a sick child at home today and need to process all your feedback but in the meantime, I wanted to share this.
The “Son of a PITCH” title of the contest threw me off. Somehow, despite reading the directions over and over, I had “pitch” stuck in my head so that is what I sent. I am going to paste my original query below. I also see that many of the comments will apply to both the query and pitch so I’m excited to get started on revisions!
ACTUAL QUERY (instead of pitch!)
Eleanor Blake is an archaeologist at the Smithsonian. A traumatic assault on a dig frightens her into giving up field work, the part of her job she loves most. She hides behind her desk job, refusing to admit that she’s unhappy. On a road trip to install an exhibit at a rural museum, she picks up a woman during a thunderstorm. When the pedestrian climbs into her car, she realizes her mistake: it’s a man.
Their situations are similar. Eleanor is afraid to pursue her life’s work; Tom Gage has given up his dream of acting on the stage, accepting a movie role to please his demanding parents. Due to a sense of connection over their personal challenges and some strong mutual attraction, they wind up in bed. Eleanor intends this chance encounter to end as a one-night stand but it’s hard to say good-bye. As their feelings for each other deepen, bitter arguments erupt. Tom gives Eleanor unwanted career advice he isn’t willing to take himself, and Eleanor resents his interference. When Eleanor returns home, Tom follows her, hoping to repair the damage. Eleanor sends him away.
An unexpected opportunity to return to the field, this time as project director, gives Eleanor a new sense of purpose and the illusion of control. She begins to regain her confidence, determined that a past she can’t change won’t negatively impact her future. When a strange coincidence brings Tom back into her life, she opens herself to the possibility that a relationship with him is another step forward. From the Great Smoky Mountains, to the National Museum of Natural History, to a Spanish mission in California, Eleanor finds the courage to pursue a life of purpose and fulfillment. But that new life may take her away from Tom, and separate them permanently.
Ah! Yes. “Pitch” would throw you off.
Eleanor Blake is an archaeologist at the Smithsonian. (The opener could be stronger. This is a passive sentence and doesn’t really pull me in…focus on a hook…the meat of the story…A traumatic assault makes Eleanor Blake afraid to pursue what she loves, working out in the field as an archaeologist with the Smithsonian…or something…) A traumatic assault on a dig frightens her into giving up field work, the part of her job she loves most. She hides behind her desk job, refusing to admit that she’s unhappy. (like this!) On a road trip to install an exhibit at a rural museum, she picks up a woman during a thunderstorm. When the pedestrian climbs into her car, she realizes her mistake: it’s a man. (this last sentence can be shorter, so it packs more of a punch…Except she is a he, Tom Gage.)
Their situations are similar. (don’t think you need this first sentence) Eleanor is afraid to pursue her life’s work; Tom Gage has given up his dream of acting on the stage, accepting a movie role to please his demanding parents. Due to a sense of connection over their personal challenges and some strong mutual attraction, they wind up in bed. (Definitely strong mutual attraction!) Eleanor intends this chance encounter to end as a one-night stand but it’s hard to say good-bye. As their feelings for each other deepen, bitter arguments erupt. Tom gives Eleanor unwanted career advice he isn’t willing to take himself, and Eleanor resents his interference. When Eleanor returns home, Tom follows her, hoping to repair the damage. Eleanor sends him away. (I think this para can be tightened up…and the end line…why is she unwilling to listen, give us her thoughts and feelings.)
An unexpected opportunity to return to the field, this time as project director, gives Eleanor a new sense of purpose and the illusion of control. (Why illusion?) She begins to regain her confidence, determined that a past she can’t change won’t negatively impact her future. When a strange coincidence brings Tom back into her life, she opens herself to the possibility that a relationship with him is another step forward. From the Great Smoky Mountains, to the National Museum of Natural History, to a Spanish mission in California, Eleanor finds the courage to pursue a life of purpose and fulfillment. But that new life may take her away from Tom, and separate them permanently. (So she faces a choice between the job and Tom? She’ll have to give up either the purpose she desperately wanted or the love she had finally found. Why would it separate them permanently? I feels long, but I think you have everything here. Thanks for sharing and I hope this helps!)
Thank you for all your comments and feedback, Elsie! I am working on incorporating changes/clarity suggested by you and by Kathy.
Just wondering: the more I add, the sooner my 250 cuts off. How important is it to get to the point where Eleanor realizes a man is getting into her car within those first 250? I don’t think that is going to fit in there if I add more details. Thoughts?
Thank you!
Not everything HAS to happen in the first page. If you give us an interesting character in an interesting situation…there being a storm…her mood… a figure in the rain…The first chapter is what is really important. In my opinion. No need to cram it all in. Yes holding interest in the first page is important, but you can do that without having everything happen. Do what feels right for your story.
This is my 2cents, feel free to ignore it.
Query: This way to vague. Boring desk job. Traumatic yet unspecified incident. ??? These are B-movie tropes. We’ve all seen it done before. If the query doesn’t make your characters stand out, you’re not going to get page requests. You’re not going to sell books.
So step back and think about what makes your characters unique and what makes this story different… Here’s how I might write it (it’s hard to tell what the inciting incident is from this so I’m being creative):
……….
Fearless, funny, and a touch foolhardy, Eleanor Blake had a reputation for the fastest tongue in the field. Her confidence propelled her through life at whirlwind speed, straight from grad school to the covers of the archaeology journals. The same confidence nearly got her killed when the promise of an untouched dig in China convinced her to ignore every warning and take help from a man who nearly killed her.
Now she has a desk job. Sure, it’s boring and sometimes she swears the office staff are gossiping about her limp, but she’s still doing good work. It might not be as glamorous as her discoveries in the Balkans were, but the museum pieces need to be cataloged correctly and if anyone can decipher the chicken scratch handwriting of the deceased former archivist, it’s her.
Eleanor told everyone she’d learned her lesson about rushing into things, but when she finds the piece she thinks is from the missing tomb of Alexander the Great, she can’t help but be intrigued. It’ll mean going back to the field, and trusting a stranger, but she’s almost died once… would it really hurt to tempt fate a second time?
………..
First 250:
You open by telling. “X did thing and saw noun.” This is not how you want to open your book. A few sentences down you have a much stronger sentence…
“Random gusts of wind buffeted Eleanor’s tiny, four-door rental car from hell. Windshield wipers squeaked as they tried valiantly to clear away the torrential rain. She tried turning them to a higher speed, but they screeched to a stop mid-windshield, leaving her to swear at the weather, rental cars, and the vindictive Melanie in accounting who promised her that the only reason she was taking a red-eye to Austin was because it was the only flight the department could afford.
As if Eleanor hadn’t been sipping the watered-down wine at the fundraiser a week ago when the museum director announced that a generous donation was going to allow all of them to travel first-class for the rest of the year.
Up ahead a light flickered. Almost like lightning but… She slammed on the brakes, hydroplaning the car to a stop.
Who the hell would hitchhike in this weather?
….”
Thank you so much for your feedback, Liana!
New Query:
A traumatic assault frightens Eleanor Blake into giving up field work, the part of her job as an archaeologist she loves the most. She hides behind her desk job, refusing to admit that she’s unhappy. On a road trip to install an exhibit, she picks up a woman during a thunderstorm. Except she is a he, Tom Gage.
Eleanor is afraid to pursue her life’s work; Tom has given up his dream of acting on the stage in favor of a movie role to please his demanding parents. Due to a sense of connection over their personal challenges and some strong mutual attraction, they wind up in bed. As their feelings for each other deepen, bitter arguments erupt. Tom gives Eleanor unwanted career advice he isn’t willing to take himself, and she resents his interference. When Tom tries to repair the damage, Eleanor decides his pursuit is bordering on creepy obsession and she sends him away.
An opportunity to return to the field, this time as project director, gives Eleanor a new sense of purpose and control. She regains her confidence, determined that a past she can’t change won’t negatively impact her future. When a strange coincidence brings Tom back into her life, she opens herself to the possibility of a relationship with him. From the Great Smoky Mountains, to Washington, D.C., to a Spanish mission in California, Eleanor finds the courage to pursue a life of purpose and fulfillment. But that new life may take her, the Smithsonian archaeologist, away from Tom, the Hollywood actor, and separate them permanently.
New 250:
Random gusts of wind buffeted the rental car and raindrops spattered the windshield as Eleanor Blake gripped the steering wheel. When menacing clouds first gathered on the horizon, she considered her options. She hated the thought of driving through a storm, but delaying her carefully planned journey was worse. Now that those same clouds were dumping torrential rain, she regretted her decision. Her driving experience was limited and she was keenly aware that every mile she traveled must be retraced before she was home again.
Red lights glared on the car ahead of her and she tapped the brakes. The traffic slowed, then stopped. But something was moving up ahead, along the shoulder of the road. The car windows were fogged and pebbled with raindrops, making it hard to see. A lone figure, hunched under the weight of a backpack. Jeans. A pair of hiking boots. Eleanor was sympathetic, but every warning she ever heard about hitchhikers clamored in her mind. Offering this stranger a ride might be kind, but that didn’t make it smart. Or right. Not for her. Still, she couldn’t look away from the unfortunate traveler. Water dripped from the end of a ponytail and ran down the back of a denim jacket. A woman! Her sympathy was rekindled, the sense of danger faded. She pressed the button to lower the window.
“Can I give you a ride?”
The walker turned and Eleanor’s eyes widened as a jolt of adrenaline flooded her stomach. The person looking back at her was a man.
Your query feels a little long, but I think everything is there! Clear and good stakes. Maybe look for phrases that can be removed that won’t hurt the overall feel, things that explain, but aren’t necessary.
The first 250…I got nothing to say. You added great tension! Great mood! Great detail! I could picture it! And it was a little creepy, which is my favorite.
Great work!
The query still needs work, but I think you have the chops to do a rewrite and make this flawless.
You have my vote.
Thank you so much, Liana! That means a lot to me!
I love this as a women’s fic. It has an empowered and educated woman, and a romance to give it some spice.
Good luck, and let me know when you get that book deal!